A lovely family? Is this normal?

[anon876543]

This is hard to write. I’ve seen great advice on here and I am asking for it, for my family. Please be kind as it’s taking a lot to write this even.

Married 20 years, 3 teenagers close in age.

I’m finding things difficult. I felt that I knew what I was doing when they were little and now I feel out of my depth. We are all adjusting maybe through puberty x3, I’m going through menopause and I think my DH is struggling also.

Especially with repeated redundancy rounds and that his career hasn’t quite been what he’s dreamed of and worked so hard for. Long story.

I think DH is struggling, no social life. No hobbies. Just work and parenting. Rising bills and interest rates on a big mortgage coming up.

Thats the background. But he’s being very snappy with the kids. And very irritable..

He found some sweet wrappers in our eldest boys’ room and was so cross, he came downstairs and whilst he was studying at the table, he grabbed the neck of his t-shirt from behind and threw them underneath.

Oldest just told me this tonight.

He said that he heard him arguing with the youngest and think maybe that he shook him.. and that he knew even though he was studying that it would be his turn next- because Daddy was in a bad mood.

Sundays are always a horrible day and I wish H would just go off, meet some friends, go to the gym, play golf… anything. He says that he can’t as the house is always a tip.

No one has been physically hurt… but this can’t go on. Yet they listen to my H and don’t listen to me so I’m afraid on so many levels of trying to do this on my own.

I’m honestly lost and feel that I’ve lost what is normal? No family is perfect and LTB isn’t straight on my list either..

OP I have been in your shoes.

My DH suffered a couple of redundancies and was very unhappy in his work and felt he hadn’t achieved his potential.

He was grumpy at home and once the kids became teens I had to speak to him. DH had hobbies so they were an outlet, but nevertheless he needed to change. I had to speak to him several times reminding him that I won’t live like this and he has since completely turned it around. He did so without therapy or medication but your DH may need this.

Mostly the anger was aimed at me and gradually this chipped away at our marriage, and this was very stressful, and if I am honest it took many years to get over.

I did make sure that financially I could leave if it didn’t change though OP and was determined my DC wouldn’t grow up in an angry tense home

I'm getting the sense that he is the dominant one in your relationship? Breadwinner, disciplinarian, rule maker, and that you're not used to challenging him? If so, it's going to take a change here, because sometimes you have to speak up very assertively to protect your children.
No man, no matter how unhappy, stressed or frustrated should ever get physical in temper. You're right, it's a line. And at the first sign they've crossed it, you need (if safe) to come down hard and heavy. Because if left unchallenged it can become the norm and escalate.
You need to talk to him about these incidents and quickly. Tell him you won't allow your children to be manhandled in any way, and you won't stay within him if it happens again. And mean it.
He will deflect by complaining about their behaviour. Stay focused as it's not the behavior its his response that is priority.
Ask him about the stress you believe he's under and if he's receptive talk about help with that.
But you have to be very firm and clear he must never lay hands on your children in anger again.
If you feel its not safe to do this, then I'd urge you to contact a domestic abuse helpline.

Read "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. The author has made it available for free online if you don't want a hard copy of the book lying around.

Your sons listen to their Dad not you because they have learned it is safest to get on the side of the abuser.

Vile, abusive man.

Many people's careers aren't what they had 'dreamed of', yet still manage not to be an abusive cunt to their families.

My dad was like this OP, and as an old man now he is even more grumpy and unreasonable. I never go to visit my parents as I won’t expose my 4 year old DD to his behaviour, and as a woman in my 40s now I refuse to walk on eggshells around a man for a second longer. I have told him that this is why I won’t visit and he doesn’t seem bothered. My mum comes to our house instead and is like a different person when she’s away from him, she is constantly on edge after years of it. He was never physically violent but never knowing when he was going to lose his shit over something minor was awful. I wish my mum had left, but she doesn’t drive and has no financial independence - she certainly won’t leave now they’re in their 70s. Only you can know if your DH can change. My dad certainly didn’t, he only got worse as he aged and worse still when he retired.

I’ve raised teen DC as a lone parent.

If your DH is starting to lose his temper and become physical, he needs to work on himself. It could escalate and be very dangerous. He sounds v stressed. He needs to exercise to relieve it. Family walks on a Sunday are a good idea. I found swimming helpful to both physical and mental health, followed by a sauna/steam. But, you must make clear his behaviour’s unacceptable.

Give yourselves grace. It’s quite typical to struggle when parenting teens. By then, you’ve been parenting for over 10 years minimum, juggling work, parenting and housekeeping. Everything’s built up. Finances suffered. Parents had no time for themselves or each other and are starting to age and lose energy. Teens (unlike little kids who want cuddles) can be quite rejecting, disrespectful and scoff, making parenting feel a thankless task. But you’re on the home stretch. The finish line is in sight 🙂

But you need a reset. The relationship has to shift. Teens should be treated as young adults rather than children. They should, in return, be expected to behave as young adults rather than children. The answer is be firm about what’s acceptable in the way you would a flatmate, holding them accountable for their own behaviour.

If they’re rude, you say: “Why are you being rude to me? Don’t speak to me like that”. But equally don’t be rude to them or treat them like a child. If they leave mess about or don’t do household chores, you say: “Could you tidy up your stuff from the living room”. You don’t shout at them (verbal abuse), shake them (physical abuse) or go in their rooms, find sweet wrappers, pull their collar from behind and drop them in. If a flatmate did that to you, you’d think they’d lost it and were abusive.

Like flatmates, they’re responsible for tidying and cleaning their own rooms. If they don’t, it’s their problem. It’s pretty typical for teens’ rooms to be a tip. At one point, my DS had what could only be described as landfill under his desk. I was worried we’d get rats 😂. However, as with everything, they have to be taught by example. So, when their rooms get bad, you help them do it. Make sure they have storage. Waste and laundry bins. Baskets for socks to avoid stuffing them in drawers.

Parents shouldn’t enter teens rooms without knocking. They should be given privacy, as young adults. I talked to my teens from the door, unless invited in. So I didn’t have to see the landfill 😆

And humour is an absolute essential with teens. They respond best to it, rather than humourless ‘telling off’ or (eyeroll) serious chats. “Is that some kind of bacterial experiment under your desk? We’ll have Greta Thunberg turning up” is much better than “Clean your room up, now!”. Everything has a funny side. Try to have a laugh 💐

A few sweet wrappers in a teenager's room doesnt mean the house is a tip. That's a massive leap.

I thought she meant threw the teenager under the desk.

What does he actually say wben youve spoken to him? Sounds as though maybe you're all loving so much on eggshells youve not even raised it with him?

I feel like the replies you are getting are extreme as the story in the OP isn’t well explained.
No one physically hurt. Sweet wrappers were thrown, not OPs children (is that correct OP?)

He needs to see GP about his mood.

Teenagers have sweet wrappers. His reaction was too much.

My dad was too, it’s horrible and I moved out as soon as I could.
Hes passed away now and I tend to look back with rose tinted glasses until I read things like this and it reminds me.

Your DH has lost control and needs anger management. If he refuses then I don’t think you can stay living with him. It’s not safe for you or your DC. 💐

Yes! I also moved out as soon as I could. Been there with the rose tinted specs as well, after I moved out I kind of erased it all but one day I took 2 year old DD round there and she moved some stuff off the coffee table and I heard my dad kicking off at my mum about how the house was a “tip” and I had this moment of clarity - never been over there again since. And I read things like this post and it brings it all back, that feeling of hearing the key in the door and immediately jumping up and trying to tidy anything that might be an issue or stop doing anything that might cause an argument. Just awful.

I may not ever be rich and have brand new cars or luxury holidays but I know that I am successful in life and I am a good mum because my kids see their home as their safe place.

None of us ever have to walk around on egg shells, none of us have to dread someone being home and wishing they’d go out, all of us are free to be exactly who we are in the comfort of our own home.

If you cannot feel truly comfortable and happy at home - where can you?

He sounds like a bully who is also incredibly boring. So no, not normal.

He was grabbed by the shirt and they were shoved down it - do you think that’s ok if a man did that to a woman, let alone a child?!

What about the youngest being scared because he knew daddy was in a bad mood.

Do you seriously think abuse is just about physical violence?

Ask anyone living in a domestic abusive relationship and they’ll tell you that the emotional abuse and the fear of being physically attacked, is way worse than the actual physical attack.

The replies in the thread think the teenager was thrown not the sweet wrappers. That is a bit different.
And no, it’s clearly not acceptable either way.

I feel similar to you!
2 teens, menopause & a grumpy husband is not a great combo! Our house is always too messy for DH as teens just seem to trail mess as they move.
exercise helps us all hugely, we are both having personal training sessions which has improved things.
have also started leaving kids at home and going for dog walks on our own.
we have really struggled with having proper conversations s as the teens seem unable to take turns in talking and just but in!
personally I would make it very clear his behaviour is not ok, but maybe text him that and ask if you can schedule a walk & coffee to talk about ways to support each other in times of stress.
agree he may need GP support if things are no better in a month or so.
I am finding this period of life far harder/draining/less rewarding than any other, but hopefully it will pass

I’m sure you do have a really lovely family OP. Ordinarily.
You sound lovely…albeit overwhelmed with this extra mental load for now.

But something has gone amiss with your husband and you have no alternative but to find your courage and persuade him to sit down to communicate properly without this rage inside him. He needs to explain how he feels and why … and only then can you maybe both come up with ways to put things right. Eg tackling the house keeping situation, finding a new job etc.
He does need to explain himself to your sons too, and apologise properly, reassuring them you have both found ways to ease the tension and stress so that things will be better.

If, on the other hand, your DH has always had these tendencies of being bad tempered, unreasonable, irrational and controlling then a ‘good talk’ isn’t going to do it and your priority has to be safeguarding your children.
You will no longer allow him to use them as his punch bags, verbally or physically or in any way. You spring into action as their protector.

Either way, you have to find your own true self in all this, then find your courage to stand up to him and maybe make plans to separate until he can resolve his irrational temper and poor parenting actions.

Only you know the real story behind it OP. I feel it’s not just the two isolated incidents. So you have to be honest with yourself first and foremost.
Stay strong ! It’s a big job in front of you.
I hope your husband can positively help you make things better for the whole family.

Great, non judgemental advice, which is refreshing to see on here.

Your husband is abusive and has been for a long time. You all are abused, if you were not and this was an isolated accident you would have jumped at him to protect them the first time he touched your kids. He is doing it and you are just an observer paralysed with fear?

You and your kids need help, call Women’s Aid, get counselling, start talking more openly about it. Hiding that behaviour is normalising it, you don’t want your kids growing up traumatised or to believe that’s how kids should be raised, nor do you want them to grow believing that women should be passive and put up with whatever the husband does.

As if honest chats with abusive controlling men could get anyone somewhere. Op is afraid of him as well. May not be a LTB situation as yet but she needs to seek external help. Her husband will just dismiss her views and probably turn aggressive towards her as well.

Great, non judgemental advice, which is refreshing to see on here.

all advice is ‘judgemental’. You can’t give advice without making value judgments about the information given. LTB is often NOT the worse case scenario.

non judgemental advice isn’t a thing. It’s like saying ‘non thinking advice’ 🤔

What a horrible environment for kids (and you) to live in. Nothing worse than a home tyrant who failed at everything and the only people he can take his anger out on are his kids and wife.

I think its ultimatum time. Either he gets help, or he leaves.

There are no excuses for his behaviour or your kids living in a house they feel scared in. None.

This.