A lovely family? Is this normal?

[anon876543]

This is hard to write. I’ve seen great advice on here and I am asking for it, for my family. Please be kind as it’s taking a lot to write this even.

Married 20 years, 3 teenagers close in age.

I’m finding things difficult. I felt that I knew what I was doing when they were little and now I feel out of my depth. We are all adjusting maybe through puberty x3, I’m going through menopause and I think my DH is struggling also.

Especially with repeated redundancy rounds and that his career hasn’t quite been what he’s dreamed of and worked so hard for. Long story.

I think DH is struggling, no social life. No hobbies. Just work and parenting. Rising bills and interest rates on a big mortgage coming up.

Thats the background. But he’s being very snappy with the kids. And very irritable..

He found some sweet wrappers in our eldest boys’ room and was so cross, he came downstairs and whilst he was studying at the table, he grabbed the neck of his t-shirt from behind and threw them underneath.

Oldest just told me this tonight.

He said that he heard him arguing with the youngest and think maybe that he shook him.. and that he knew even though he was studying that it would be his turn next- because Daddy was in a bad mood.

Sundays are always a horrible day and I wish H would just go off, meet some friends, go to the gym, play golf… anything. He says that he can’t as the house is always a tip.

No one has been physically hurt… but this can’t go on. Yet they listen to my H and don’t listen to me so I’m afraid on so many levels of trying to do this on my own.

I’m honestly lost and feel that I’ve lost what is normal? No family is perfect and LTB isn’t straight on my list either..

Who else would he do that to?

I'm guessing no one?

What a nasty bully & designed to humiliate.

I'd find it hard to have any respect after that.

There was no excuse for doing that.

Why was he even in their room?

Looking for an excuse to wield his authority?

If he’s not been pulled up at work for bullying behaviour then he can control it. He just chooses not to at home.

Your DH sounds stressed to the max. He has said over & above the work situation the house is always a tip. Do your children tidy up after themselves,clear dishes,tidy their rooms etc. Teenagers are notoriously untidy but they need to learn its unfair on their parents.I am also asking the following with respect for the fact there could be genuine reasons your answer could be no. Do you have a job to help towards the financial burden? If there are no health issues then if its a no then why not.None of this is an excuse for your DH to be abusive. My advice is to sit down & have a serious chat with him & let him know you are worried about him & what does he suggest you all do to help his current mental state. I hope it all works out for the best.

I think DH is struggling, no social life. No hobbies. Just work and parenting.

Sundays are always a horrible day and I wish H would just go off, meet some friends, go to the gym, play golf… anything. He says that he can’t as the house is always a tip.

He needs to get out of the house on a Sunday, in fact you all probably do!
Get some exercise and fresh air to make you feel better. Why no social life and hobbies? Is he a loner? 🤔

Is the house an untidy tip? Get everyone to have a delegated task and do their part to keep it tidy(declutter/organise/clean) so that it's liveable for everyone. Sometimes a good clear out is needed in a house to reset some balance. 😌

Or is he just looking for an argument? 😡
Is he purposely looking around for things to blow up over to justify his anger?
If that's the case than that needs a different approach.
Kids will fall in line of the side of an abuser, in order to stay safe.
This is not healthy.

The problem is not your kids and their sweet wrappers. - no matter what your DH says.
It IS about HIS reaction with HIS temper, instead of him responding like a mature grown ass adult.
Does he behave that way at work also? Or does he manage to get a grip of his own temper?
No-one likes to live with a tyrant.
This needs addressing and you need to have a come to Jesus meeting with your husband 💯
@anon876543

My sisters and I had that, just hearing the steps of my mum would stop us from whatever we were doing, even reading or studying, to swiftly pretend we were tidying up or start apologising for being idle.

I didn’t notice it was so ingrained until my partner asked me why I jumped every time he was approaching. It is abuse, it stays with you.

If the house is a tip then with three teens everyone can take responsibility, not least or keeping communal areas clean & tidy.

The doors to their rooms can be closed!

He sounds extremely stressed. If he’s being physical with the kids, that has to stop-I couldn’t really tell what happened.

If have a house meeting and say it’s everyone’s responsibility to tidy. 5 of you doing a hour each on a Saturday morning should get it done.

If the behaviour is different to previously, even if it came on slowly, he needs to go to the gp and get a health check. My husband became very snappy and intolerant of any misbehaviour. It took a big argument but he went and got his blood pressure done at the gp and he was hypertensive (think that the right term). Once on the right medication things became calmer and he went back to how he was before. He was also really unhappy in his job at the time and as we have send kids we were under a lot of stress. Depression can also have an impact. If there is a calm moment have a talk with him in the way you know he will respond best. For me it was being clear with husband that i was really worried about him but someone was going to get hurt and to keep our family together he needed to get some help. I think he felt better realising it was his blood pressure not that he was choosing to be so impatient.

This is psychological and emotional abuse -don't put up with it for your children's sake

You need to have a good sit down with him and firmly explain that his behaviour was unacceptable, that the youngest one is now scared, and either he needs to accept this and make a plan for self improvement or he needs to leave. A simple ‘sorry i won’t get angry again’ isn’t good enough either. He needs to make practical changes

I had a parent like this. I did everything they said because I was scared. They absolutely did give me many, many happy moments as a child but unfortunately my key memories when I think of childhood are of stuff being thrown at me in frustration (just like your sweet wrapper situation) and just being on edge. They don’t do this behaviour anymore. But even as an adult now I feel nervous before seeing them that I plan conversation and how I’ll be, I’m on edge with them, and afterwards I have to sit and recover and come down from it. It was when I went to uni and saw how everyone else missed their mum and hung out with them still, that was the first time I realised none of it had been normal. Don’t let your kids think it’s normal. If your parent can treat you like that, they could let friends, managers, partners do the same.

It’s not ok for your kids to feel they’re walking on eggshells- this sounds like a complete overreaction to having some sweets.

how old is your youngest? I’m guessing quite young with the term daddy - it’s not ok for him to be scared of his own dad like that.

you need to confront DH.

I’ve only scrolled past a few posts and cannot believe what I’m reading as supposed advice- go for a walk? Clean the house? Leave them to it and go to a shopping centre?! Jesus Christ. And for those saying it’s too hasty for LTB should she wait for him to actually hit a child rather than see the warning signs and leave before that happens?
This situation needs an ultimatum- get help now or leave

He’s emotionally abusive and what he has done is physically abusive. Your teen saying he knows he’s next is the emotional abuse part. Your husband needs to get himself sorted as what he is doing is a safeguarding concern

Staying with this man will profoundly affect your children's mental health, self esteem and what they think is normal in relationships. I think you need to make it clear he seeks mental health support or you're leaving

👏

Well, it's not normal in this house. Nobody is scragging anyone around for any reason, let alone over trivial things like sweet papers.

If he has always been like this, get out.

If this is new behaviour, please don't make the mistake of tiptoeing on eggshells around him. Confront him calmly but very bluntly and say his anger is out of character and entirely out of proportion. Ask if he wants the children to feel scared of him, for their primary memory of him later in life to be that he was irrationally furious over things like sweet wrappers.

Go off for a long walk or drive or coffee just the two of you. Talk about the difficulties you have that are out of your control ( e.g. rising CoL, job market for middle aged men) and what is within your control (taking better responsibility for your health, creating a happy atmosphere at home.)

He could see a GP. If he is stressed or depressed, that could trigger the anger, and a short course of anti depressants might help.

Can you find some projects together - start running or cycling - maybe as a family. Or redecorate the house a little. And support each other with some goals. Does he need to refresh his CV and start looking around? Can you encourage him to try a few things to find a hobby. I had to nag DH for seven years to join a choir, as he has a lovely voice. Eventually he agreed and now he loves it.

I took a zero tolerance attitude to teenage rudeness, and that prevented it from escalating. I used to ask DS1 how he;d feel if I talked to him that way and parroted back some of the rude things he said. It stopped almost immediately.

Why is leaving not on your list? Your kids are walking on eggshells. If you want a relationship with them when they are adults, you need to tackle this. By all means try to chat to your husband first, suggest a health check, counselling for him, make sure the kids are not being slobs etc but he's unlikely to change at this stage. Feeling unsafe at home is absolutely shit for a kid and no amount of "nice lifestyle" (I presume you've got a big house as you mention a big mortgage, and perhaps you don't work full time due to what your husband brings in maybe?) makes up for it.
So the question is will you leave now or will you leave later?

My father was like this too, but thankfully he mostly worked overseas from when I was around 13 and was only really around every other weekend.

He got a promotion that kept him in the UK when I was 19, and I left home a few months later, partly because I found being around him really anxiety inducing.

My DB is 9 years younger, and won't hear a word said against our father. It's as though he's talking about a different person.

Is he drinking? This is exactly the age when men who haven’t put much effort into creating a life for themselves start sinking into alcohol. The violence and irritability is classic.

There’s no excuse for him having no life. We have teens/preteens and a mortgage with a big rate rise coming up. Two businesses. And I have advanced cancer!

Dh and I have plenty of fun. Friends, both have loads of hobbies, solo travel (as in we each go travelling while the other stays home with the kids). If he has no life and is miserable about it, he only has himself to blame.

What you do about it is up to you though. I wouldn’t be tolerating that sort of miserable attitude. I’d tell him he needs to see the GP for some antidepressants, stop drinking if that’s an issue, and get himself together or I’d be out. That’s no life for your kids.

@anon876543 call a family meeting to arrange all hands on deck to blitz clean and tidy the house, so then there’s no reason for your H to be annoyed by mess or in the house all day on Sunday.

Sounds like he’s going through some sort of MH crisis, and you need to pick a time when he’s less irritable, to sit down and have a talk with him. Try get an evening out, just the two of you. Go for a meal or a drink, somewhere where you can sit down and speak calmly, with the knowledge he’s not going to lose his shit in a public place (shouldn’t have to do that btw, but I think initial conversations need to be had where you can reach him without him storming off, or getting too vocal/defensive). Find out what’s really going on in his head, and find a way to work through this.

The sweet wrappers thing I’m picturing as son downstairs doing work at table. Dad in angry mood. Dad angrily comes downstairs and pulls his t shirt and stuffs wrappers down back of it. It doesn’t need to be hitting him to be assault it’s abusive.
I asked how old as realistically the kids will leave as soon as 18 for uni and not come back.
Your job as a mum is to protect dc. If he’s not willing to seek help then realistically you’ll need to separate.

aww OP, I’m so sorry to hear your story.

Your DCs sound scared of your DH. This is very concerning. You say there is no one has been physically hurt but living with someone who is angry and intimidating is very damaging- I know because I lived with anger and coercive control for 20 years. I LTB several years ago but I am still recovering from the trauma (and “trauma” is the word my psychiatrist uses).

i have no idea whether domestic abuse is the explanation- it sounds quite likely. Other explanations such as depression or even neurodivergence (or both) plus many other things, no doubt, are possible. Whatever the explanation, you cannot live like this. It will cause untold harm to the health of everyone in the family.

Book yourself in with the GP. I finally plucked up the courage to talk to my GP about my relationship. I didn’t know at that point it was abuse but I did know it was affecting my health. My GP was very kind, supportive and helpful. That was the beginning of a long journey towards a happier, safer and healthier life. Although I did not LTB early enough unfortunately because I had developed a chronic illness with the stress of it all.