To think he’s too old for her

[BeGreySnake]

I have 3 children, eldest is 17 and in 6th form. She is 18 in April.
She is quite a quiet and studious girl, good group of friends, she is learning to drive and works part time. I know she has had boys who she’s liked but there’s been no boyfriends that I have known of.
About a month ago she went out to a pub and saw friends from the year above, who work together and who were out with their colleagues. One of these colleagues started chatting to my daughter and they hit it off. He is 27.
They have been somewhat inseparable ever since. I haven’t met him, but I have invited him over so hopefully I will get to soon. He has his own place so they tend to go there if they’re not out.
Its hard as she is smitten and I can’t say he has done anything wrong as such, but I just struggle with why an adult would want to date a school girl (albeit one who will be an adult in a few months). I have had the usual chats about being careful/contraception etc.

It’s also well known that the brain doesn’t mature till the mid -late 20’s and the last part to mature is the pre frontal cortex that’s responsible for decision making. So no I don’t think it’s arbitrary and I do think a 20yo dating someone 10 years older is also not ok. Just because we have outdated laws doesn’t mean the laws are right. I think there needs to be a shakeup. Whilst I appreciate that teens are not going to necessarily wait any longer than 16 a law should be imposed to which they’re restricted to their own peer group only within a few years. It was only in the late 90’s that rape in marriage was deemed a crime. Before that a woman couldn’t be raped within her marriage and we all agree that even then that wouldn’t have been seen as right or just.

letting 16yo date much older people puts them in a vulnerable and precarious situation they aren’t equipped to deal with. They’re susceptible to exploitation and cohesion. Teenagers are notoriously known to follow the crowd and bend to peer pressure of people their own age, imagine the power an adult yields when the child is infatuated. Just because it used to be the norm doesn’t make it right & whilst we didn’t know any of this 30, 40 or 50 years ago that can be excused but now we understand more about how the brain works and more about relationship dynamics no older person should be dating anyone under the age of 25

Yes it does. I would hope my kids wouldn’t date a 17 yo when they’re in the 20’s. My daughters 21 and one of her mates went out with a 16yo when he was 19 and they all thought it wasnt appropriate. So I think you’re wrong and most 22yo wouldn’t date someone still at school

Sad for so many posters that they seem to have never experienced the joys of being a lusty wench at 14,15,16,17. I don't know if 'dating' on here is a euphemism for shagging, but it doesn't have to lead to a long-term relationship, pregnancy or any other encumbrance. There's nothing wrong with sex just for the fun of it whether it's with someone your own age or someone older. Her adult body, her choice.
I know I'm in the minority here---I was talking to my own daughter earlier about this thread. Don't know how, but I've raised another age-gap puritan who can't understand the rejection of conventionality and absurd age-of-consent laws by my own free love generation

I get what you mean, I don't think every 18 year old should go out looking for a man ten years older but equally I don't think they should be a hard no either. Love and attraction are not a hard science. Its why I think the OP should meet this guy and try to suss him out, she's probably experienced enough to know if he's a good bloke or a waste of her daughter's time. My husband works with a nice young lad, he's 18, tall, good hair, has a nice car. They both had their tops off in the summer when we were landscaping our garden, he's in good shape too. He's the sort of guy I'd have fancied the pants off when I was 16. But if I were single now I wouldn't date him, not a chance. He doesn't have what I want from a guy, it'd be impossible for him to be the kind of guy I'd go for precisely because of his age. If he keeps at it and gets good at stuff he'll be a great catch in ten years. My husband and I weren't together when I was 17, I was 19 and him 29 by the time it was something anyone could call serious. 17/27 is more of a red flag than 19/29 for sure. But there's no black and white here, its all just grey-zone where the people and their intentions matter more than their ages. If a friend of mine dated ten years younger, I'd have questions for sure. But not all 17 year olds are the same and neither are all 27 year olds. I don't want to firmly fix myself to a position on whether this particular relationship is right or wrong when I have limited information. If I were the mum I'd be wary but approach carefully and open-mindedly until I had a clearer picture of what he is like.

The feminist in me cringes when I say this but I think what men and women want from a relationship is not necessarily the same thing. Aside from looks and the initial click, from a partner I want someone who is capable and confident. I think I'm pretty capable and confident myself but he is even more so. That's a highly attractive trait to me. I hadn't really thought that through at the time but something drew me to him, if I had to pin it down to one thing it would have been that. And he has been a good influence on me too, helping me achieve personal goals and do things I'd never have thought myself capable of. But I don't think men seek out competence in the same way women do, I'm not exactly sure what it is they look for besides attractiveness? When it comes to sex, I think women appreciate a bit of experience, men appreciate enthusiasm. After the two lads (both 16) that I was with when I was 16 I was just not interested in anymore of that.

In that respect and in that respect only, the strict definition of someone who is not legally an adult, you are, of course, correct.

The Oxford Dictionary, and others. have other definitions of the word as it is more commonly used in daily conversation

"A young person of either sex, usually one below the age of puberty; a boy or girl."

Great post!

Older men were always asking me out as a teenager. Sometimes I went out with them. My mother never gave it a second thought as far as I recall but she had a cultural background where this was not seen as unusual. She thought at least two of then were charming. I used to wonder though who would ask me out in my twenties - would they have zimmer frames and walking sticks? I've got to say I never took these men too seriously because after all why were they interested in a teenager? My husband is three years older than me - finally got a young one and I was 29 when I got married.. Honestly the more you oppose it, the more attractive he becomes. Your daughter does sound a teeny bit more impressionable than I was. Hopefully it wears off some - she might even age out in a few years.

I was actually talking to my friend about this the other day - when I met my DH I had just started my first Saturday job at 17 and he was 25. At the time it didn’t seem a big deal but now if my 17 sister came home with a 25s year old I would be asking a big old WTF!

The weirdest thing on this thread is your determination.

Their lives must be so boring if they think a 22 year old man must be a predator id he dates an 18 year old girl.
Young adults need to work out for themselves what they want/dont want. They dont need a bunch of pursed lipped pearl clutchers telling them they shouldn't mingle with, or even look at anyone 6 months older/younger than themselves.
No wonder the younger generation look so miserable these days!! 🤣

To speak the truth. Yes it's a big failing of mine.

Most teenagers are lusty with people their own age which is ok. Do you think a 14 with an 18 year old is fine? None of the ages you put are adult ages

If it was the use of the phrase 'I came on to him' maybe we have different understandings of that. All I meant was that I 'pursued' him as opposed to him 'grooming' me. I don't see anything rank in that
Don't forget I'm from a different generation and language may change.

You mistake truth with opinion.

This.

I know someone who went out with a 24 year old when she was 16 (probably started when she was 25). They have now been married for 25 years and have 3 kids, and he is a nice guy. BUT it does seem really quite strange and predatory. Especially as an adult, it's hard to understand why a almost 30 year old man would be interested in a teenager other than due to the control element or having a taste for young girls.

Maybe it's our generation, I fully understood you and I think that the word "rank" is just heinous to describe a relationship that's lasted over six decades.

Any maybe this is the problem with the world today, everyone is so focused on everything "looking appropriate" they stop giving anything else a chance. Maybe that's why there are so many divorces and separations, it all "looked good" but it was rotten to the core.

The popular idea that the brain suddenly finishes developing or "locks in" at any specific age is a cultural misinterpretation of neuroscience.

Structural brain development, particularly in the prefrontal cortex, which governs impulse control, long-term planning, and risk evaluation,is a gradual continuum that extends well into a person's twenties (and neuroplasticity continues throughout life).

Crucially, neuroscience recognises that brain development studies show population-level averages, not individual roadmaps. Just as puberty doesn't hit everyone at the exact same age, cognitive maturation varies wildly from person to person.

Consequently, a blanket neurodevelopmental rule such as you are asserting cannot accurately predict the maturity or decision-making capacity of any specific 17-year-old compared to any specific 27-year-old.

You need to recognise that people are individuals, not machines, and that what may be hazardous for one person may well be beneficial for another.

it does vary but a 17yo will definitely not have a mature developed pre frontal cortex. With raging hormones & a desperation to be an adult a 17yo is possibly at their most vulnerable. Puberty is a poor example you use because you don’t go through puberty in your 20’s there is a window. Your brain always evolves but by the mid 20’s you have a much firmer grip of impulse control. Just because you see a wide range of maturity from one individual to another at 17 doesn’t mean the more mature is capable of making wise decisions. They are always the vulnerable in a relationship they get into with older people.

Fully agree that 24 is too old for someone 16. But it's pushing it to say 24 is pushing 30.
Edit...I realise now you're probably referring to OP situation. Sorry my mistake

@NoisyViewer

They are always the vulnerable in a relationship they get into with older people.

Likely to be, agreed. Always, not true.

It depends on the 14 year old, but in general, yes I do think it's fine. I had sexual longing at that age even though I didn't put it into practice until I was 15. The onset of puberty is around 11, so it's hardly surprising that mind and body are ready for action at 14.
As I mentioned in an earlier post about bedroom posters and my unrequited lust for El Cordobes. People should think back to the pin-ups of rock stars/actors/footballers they had on their walls. They were usually there because you 'fancied' them. And how much older were they than you?