To think he’s too old for her

[BeGreySnake]

I have 3 children, eldest is 17 and in 6th form. She is 18 in April.
She is quite a quiet and studious girl, good group of friends, she is learning to drive and works part time. I know she has had boys who she’s liked but there’s been no boyfriends that I have known of.
About a month ago she went out to a pub and saw friends from the year above, who work together and who were out with their colleagues. One of these colleagues started chatting to my daughter and they hit it off. He is 27.
They have been somewhat inseparable ever since. I haven’t met him, but I have invited him over so hopefully I will get to soon. He has his own place so they tend to go there if they’re not out.
Its hard as she is smitten and I can’t say he has done anything wrong as such, but I just struggle with why an adult would want to date a school girl (albeit one who will be an adult in a few months). I have had the usual chats about being careful/contraception etc.

I'll bet the young woman in this case would be absolutely livid if she heard anyone referring to her as a child.

I am sure that is correct but she is still a child.

They’re not legally but anyone who works with this age range will recognise how immature and often infantile they actually are.

The problem with an age of consent is that people are different at different ages. By defining an age in law we are trying to find a happy medium where most people can consent but some people obviously will be too immature. But the likewise applies too, some people younger than the age of consent are mature enough to be able to consent in a moral sense, but the law says they aren't.

Of course she would!

Which is why everyone is advising such caution in how the Op should approach the situation, because it is such a well trodden path in this situation that teens are often so keen to assert their own independence and right to be with whomever they choose, but do not have the maturity or experience to realise that it very often is not in their own best interest.

Probably not. I have a 16 yo DS and I don’t think he’d question being called a child.

So, are you suggesting 14 is ok?

Im not sure you are the poster I asked, but you have quoted my question whilst not answering it?

Women = adult human female.

She is not a woman, young or otherwise, as she is legally a child.

There are a lot of things our teens are livid about, that doesn’t make them right though.

Sorry to derail this thread but no. 15 yr old is a child, despite how grown up they feel, not legally old enough to leave school and under the age of consent. A 21yr old is yes a young adult but an adult out of school for several years and should always be able to walk away.

An attitude like that had severe consequences for me…

Absolute rubbish, 22 year old son has said no to many 17/18 year olds when he’s been out as he is not attracted to teenagers, my partner literally sees my young adults daughters like young girls like when they were small! I could be attracted to a 17 year old if they look 25 the same as men but the min I find out they’re 17 the attraction disappears. Most normal adults don’t want to go out with teenagers and school kids

27 year old married to a 37 year old here. I met him in a pub when I was 18 1/2. He was the most interesting and switched on guy that I'd ever met, far more "on my level" than lads my own age were. I'd had a previous boyfriend and a short-lived fling at 16 and neither of those lads gave me what I was looking for. I had just started uni in another city so we didn't date, but we spoke a lot on the phone and made time for each other, I'd come home every few weeks and we would go into town and have dinner and drinks. I didn't sleep with him until shortly after my 19th birthday and tbh he took a little bit of persuading that it was OK, I wasn't asking for a relationship at that point. There was a bit of pisstaking from his mates when he was taking me as a his plus one to their weddings. I think my dad was a bit unsure initially but he knew me well enough to know that I make my own decisions. Mum thought he was brilliant from the day she met him.

I honestly couldn't have found a better guy. By the time we were in a serious relationship (21 & 31) he was well established in his career, earning good money and ploughing it into property, we moved in together into a big wreck of a house at 23 and 33 and did it up together, married at 25 and 35, just had our first baby almost 6 months ago and it feels like everything is in our favour. He always said he wanted a big family, I'm the right sort of age where that is a possibility and he's the right sort of age to be able to afford to pay for it - although I know I definitely want at least 2, after that we will see. I know I am biased but I think relationships where the guy is a bit older is taking advantage of the differences in male and female biology, especially if its a relationship where you want kids and have a traditional dynamic where the man is the main earner and the woman is the main carer for the children.

In your place as a mum, I'd want to meet him and make up my own mind about him. If he is a solid guy with his head screwed on then I'd give her my blessing.

I'm suggesting there isn't a hard line in the sand where it is not OK one day and OK the next. But it isn't easy to write a law that takes that into account.

I am happy with our age of consent in the UK being 16. If other countries want to have it at a different age that is up to them.

Depends what his job is .. he may be breaking some laws.

The age of consent is an entirely arbitrary figure, with no real scientific basis. In many European countries it's 15, and in quite a few, including Italy and Portugal, it's only 14. Yet their civil society has not collapsed, and their teenage pregnancy rates are less than half those in the UK. Could it just be that they are more mature and sensible societies, which have a rather less hysterical reaction to teenage sexuality than the UK does?

@JT1999 He was at your ‘level’ when you were 18? That suggests he was pretty immature for a 28y old? A 27/28y creeping around an 18y old will never be ok in my eyes I am afraid. I am sure you don’t care, but it raises red flags for me.
How is your career doing?

I dated a guy of 25 for a year when I was 17. It was fun, we had a ball and then it ended. I moved on as did he. There was nothing creepy about the relationship.

My dad was 8 years older than my mum, they met when she was 19 and he was 27 married at 21 and 29 and were happily married for 56 years before my father died aged 85.

Relationships with age gaps happen, doesn't mean it's sinister or creepy, it's just an attraction. It will either work longer term by which time she'll be over 18 or it won't. Getting involved will push her towards him, not away. Yes, I have a daughter and she dated some people I would rather she hadn't, but they have to get on with it and make their own decisions. She's fine because she has a sensible head on her shoulders.

I don't find it creepy and she is basically an adult and old enough to make her own decisions.

He is to old. Her brain hasn’t fully developed yet and I’d be concerned of a power imbalance in the relationship. But my major concern is how the hell does he find her attractive. She’s a child

It does when one person is very young. A 25 yo dating a 35 is completely different to a 27yo dating a 17yo. She’s not even out of mandatory education. What may have been acceptable decades ago doesn’t mean it should be now (we know lots more of brain development than we used to).

There is clearly something lacking in a 27y old wanting a relationship with a teen. That in itself would make them hideously unattractive in my eyes.

Agree. And we know a lot more about sexism and power imbalance.

Well she is a child. She is still required to be in education, she can’t legally buy alcohol, she until recently couldn’t vote, she can’t get a tattoo, she’s still entitled to free prescriptions & she would still be treated through a paediatric dr if she was to be taken to hospital & needed treatments. She may not like being referred as a child but by every metric she is seen as one

WTF!!! Is my first reaction to this view.

Some teens may seem more responsible than others but I would say that the rule is no 14yo can cope with the emotional imbalance of an intimate relationship with someone who is significantly more mature and more worldly than themselves. I would go as far to say that no 14yo is ready for that level
of intimacy with anyone regardless of their maturity. What views do you hold dear as a 14yo as you do as an adult. I have a completely different perspective to life as a 45yo as I did as a 14yo and I didn’t have a particularly sheltered childhood.

Yeah, I think we all know that you don't stay in a marriage for 40 years and post about it on MN if you're desperately unhappy. Stop trying to get a rise and be sensible.

I would not be down for this simply because in my area it seems like all young adults who work in pubs are on drugs and that would be enough for me to not want him around my impressionable 17 year old.

Do you know if he lives in pub accommodation or on his own?