To think he’s too old for her

[BeGreySnake]

I have 3 children, eldest is 17 and in 6th form. She is 18 in April.
She is quite a quiet and studious girl, good group of friends, she is learning to drive and works part time. I know she has had boys who she’s liked but there’s been no boyfriends that I have known of.
About a month ago she went out to a pub and saw friends from the year above, who work together and who were out with their colleagues. One of these colleagues started chatting to my daughter and they hit it off. He is 27.
They have been somewhat inseparable ever since. I haven’t met him, but I have invited him over so hopefully I will get to soon. He has his own place so they tend to go there if they’re not out.
Its hard as she is smitten and I can’t say he has done anything wrong as such, but I just struggle with why an adult would want to date a school girl (albeit one who will be an adult in a few months). I have had the usual chats about being careful/contraception etc.

The reason I always cite 21+ as no-one's business as long as it's consentual, is it's clear that below that is a bit of an age gap grey area. I think there are plenty of 17 year olds who could have a healthy relationship with someone in their twenties, and quite a few that would still be too immature, especially now when more and more are heavily infantalised by their parents, and even early/mid twenties is treated like an extended adolescence.

I think insisting that someone of 17 is a child no different to a 5 year old, and that an adult in their twenties who is attracted to them is a pervert, is ludicrious though, and also undermines the horror of actual sexual abuse of children.

It baffles me that people are defending this.

It doesn’t undermine anything. We have eyes & those who have been in the company of 17yo’s know what they see & hear. My husbands family is very big. They have every generation possible and not 2 people are the same and for the 27yrs we’ve been together I’ve seen some of them grow from babies to 25 yo and they’re chalk and cheese. The current teens are different to the current mid 20’s. In family do’s the 25yos will mingle more with my generation of 40+ than they do the younger ones. They treat the 17yo very much like children. They have a little chat & pleasantries but they don’t want to be stuck talking to them all night and vice versa. So for a 27yo to choose to be in the company of such young people who aren’t family is in itself odd. But to actively be in any kind of intimate relationship is plain weird and I for one would be extremely concerned

If you meet someone in a pub or club, that you haven't known since infancy, it's completely different to a family gathering (where I'd expect zero intimate relationships to be formed!).

I personally do think it's too grey an area to advocate specifically for such relationships, but I don't think every single one would be wrong or damaging either.

What I mean is he was a serious person. Not a silly young lad. I was pretty mature for my age, I'd been a nationally competitive gymnast and fell runner. I loved the discipline and had to treat it seriously to get as far as I did. He left school at 16 and had been in work 12 years by the time we met. He was so different to the boys I knew at school, college and uni. Even the lads at uni were mostly what I would call unserious people. People who drift through life. What I really liked about my husband is that when I met him he knew what he wanted, had a plan and was seeing it through. But we were friends more than anything for the first 6 months, he didn't once try it on. It wasn't lust on first sight at all but he was interesting to talk to and we had a lot of shared interests, gym, sports, running.

My career has been not particularly eventful - I didn't know what I wanted to do at school, was pretty academic but more interested in sport, got pointed at uni (first in my family), I got a 2:1 in psychology and graduated into the middle of a pandemic. Moved home, worked in retail full time while applying for serious jobs and getting nowhere, re-trained as a PT, did that for a couple of years successfully then got pregnant. Now I am in the lucky position of not needing to work but I can if I want, I still haven't made my mind up.

So?
Lots of people can be immature and infantile at any age.
They're not considered to be actual children.

Someone of 27 will be awfully old/mature/grown-up/desirable to a 17-yr-old. It's hard to look at it from her POV. Most of her peers will have BFs who are 18 or 19. So I don't think it's a normal or healthy relationship for the average 17-yr-old. I would be trying very hard to work out what he sees in her or wants from this relationship. I can't think of anything good, unless he's very immature or young for his age.

Actually rank

Actually quite a rude way to speak about someone's decades-long marriage.

Absolutely do not agree. I can sit with said 25yo despite seeing them grow up and genuinely enjoy and have a grown up chat and laugh with them. They’re relatable, they’ll make jokes about their relationships, they have anecdotal stories. They can hold their own in a conversation. The 17yo’s even the most mature of the family. (It’s a big family) will sit and listen and may interject some good conversations and observations but you see the lights go off as they get bored. They have limited input because their day to day life is not comparable. A 27 should not overly relate to a 17yo. The only attraction they could possibly have is a physical one or they’re after control and 17yo even the brightest and mature are notoriously known for being easily manipulated.

You may find she's the one who gets bored. When I was 17 I dated a 31 year old, we met in a nightclub I said I was 23 he said he was 27 it didn't come out for a few months (when I was organising my 18th ..) that we'd both lied. He was actually very immature and whilst initially I thought dating an older man would be worldly and exciting I got the ick pretty quickly. It fizzled out in under a year

A 22-year-old young man has a reason to be ashamed of fancying an 18-year-old girl.
Flipping heck.
I'm not sure he's being entire truthful here with you to be honest.
Oh no I can't possibly be attracted to her as she's 18 and I'm 22. Makes no sense.
There's so little age gap here as to be not relevant at all.

He could argue that he feels they shouldn't date as he's finished university and she's just started. I get that.

In all honesty, though, he probably is attracted to 18-year-old girls - and why shouldn't he be? He's only 22!!

Unless he's too afraid to admit to a healthy attraction to a girl a mere four younger than him out of fear of being judged for it.

Very rude I agree.

But do you honestly feel that way now that you’ve reached the age he was when you met? Do you not see it through a different lens? Surely like most people in their late twenties you see teenagers as the children they are? If a male friend your age started dating a 17 year old would you not think it was off?

A 17 year old who thinks she’s ‘mature’ because she’s driven or likes an early night is still totally lacking in life experience. The 27 year old knows that. They know what the age gap really means. The 17 year old doesn’t.

No he’s being truthful, he said it doesn’t feel right going out with a 17/18 year old. I remember being 24 and I didn’t want to date an 18 year old either not sure why that’s so strange to you.

And it’s not about the age gap, 21 and 25 is fine, 14 and 18 is wrong

This thread is just weird with the number of people making comments as if all people of 17¾ are the same.

Would you please explain why my married life has been 'rank' ?

100% this. ^ As has been said there is something fundamentally wrong with a 27 year old man who wants to date a 17 year old child. IMO he is rather inadequate and a bit creepy.

I think @Brokentoes85 was saying what you said was 'actually rank.'

Go back and read what you said.

They are all the same.

They are all legally children.

And as from the age of 16 she is also, rather inconveniently for your argument, deemed competent by the law to consent to having sex.

As with the age of consent, the age of 18, at which you appear to be saying there is a sudden and overnight transition from child to adult is purely arbitrary. It used to be 21, so would you have said that a girl - or what would now be called a woman - of 20 years and 11 months old was being exploited and corrupted if she chose to go out with a 30 year old man?

It's indicative of a very blinkered attitude to see things in such black and white terms - "My mind's made up, don't confuse me with facts!"

She’s 17 and 6 months