Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

Yes, how can a grown woman person be so utterly oblivious of the most basic niceties of such a gathering?
You’d need to be on hefty recreational drugs to sail through that family meal and end up pissed off and disbelieving that the uninvited kids you decided to bring along were not treated as the gentleman’s guests (and indeed grandchildren.)

Simple case of lack of etiquette.

You absolutely should have run it past DP father that it was ok to bring your children. That would have given him the chance to OFFER to pay for them, ask you to pay for them or even refuse to have them there.

Instead you gave him little choice. He did the only thing he could to take back control by not paying for them and he was quite obviously put out.

Do not make a big deal of it if you want a future relationship. Next time ask and make it clear you do not expect him to pay.....my guess is once he is shown some respect, he will offer to pay.

They’ve only been together 2 years and don’t even live together yet.

That’s very different to living together for 10 years and being more of a step parent.

I can’t imagine a man bringing his kids to a family event without asking and expecting me to pay for them.

I wouldn’t even expect to pay for my nieces and nephews who I’ve been part of their lives for 10+ years if their parent was there.
They’re not my kids - so why would I pay for them?

Eeek I’m cringing for you with what his family will now think of you 🙈 if that was me - and we are both from well off families- I would have A asked to bring my kids and secondly I would have said we shall pay for them or even for the whole meal. I find it strange you are cross with the dad and not cross with yourself.

Also very cheeky to just not think. Some people are not privileged enough to just not think. His dad may not have been able to afford it.

I’m staggered that you didn’t clarify that you’d like to bring your sons ahead of time. Who goes out for Sunday lunch on a large group and doesn’t check there’s enough seating at the venue?

everything else follows a similar lack of thought and manners on OP’s part.

Why assume he's loaded? He might budget carefully so that he can treat his family every few months. Why assume his generosity is anything else. He didn't pay for the extra two guests because he wasn't expecting them and two extra meals is not going to be a small amount. Teenagers won't be eating of the children's menu

He’s paid for multiple meals out for the Op.
She didn’t bring her kids to the previous meals otherwise this would have come up before.

So I imagine he invited on the basis of previous meals out ie paying for the Op, not her children.

The Op and partner didn’t bother to raise it in advance and didn’t offer to pay the extra (2 adults mains, puddings, drinks £60?)

They also didn’t thank him when he went to pay.

I’m not at all surprised he was ticked off.

Face it, you're a scrounger.

lack of communication from both sides - you didn't ask if your sons were invited and just brought them along. Partners father for some reason did not check with you if you were going to pay for them and just paid for his side which is fine, but why he did not communicate that to you, that's weird.

I dunno I think the grandad comes out smelling of roses actually. Hes pretty badass. If I was him, I would have quietly paid and been seething and resentful and never had invited her again. I think he actually did the right thing, because this way it gets the message across loud and clear, and she wont just rock up with extra uninvited guests next time.

I hope it doesnt cause a fallout with the grandad and his son. I do think his son has some ownership in this too - not just OP. If my DP did that, Id be questioning what the hell he was doing bringing them (I wouldn't allow that tbh), and secondly if he wasnt paying Id be questioning why, and then paying for them myself. I wouldn't let me parents be taken advantage of, and I wouldn't want my family thinking my DP was a cheeky fucker. Id be embarrassed of him for sure.

The grandad actually is my hero! Rock solid boundaries - good on him.

You’re getting a lot of heat, but honestly, if it was standard that the FIL paid, with numbers changing regularly, I see how the situation occurred. It’s nice to think of everyone as family. If I was the FIL, I would absolutely have paid the full bill, (if I had an issue I’d have taken it up with my son at a later date). It’s entirely the FIL choice who to pay for but it was very deliberate to not cover their bill and I think the FIL should have quietly told your partner before he left.

Bullshit, no way you didn't know. Unless you were comatose, you knew you and your kids had a meal for which you did not pay and you knew FIL will pay. No one who is conscious can have such a lack of awareness.

Surely you asked if the boys could come? How did you know there would be seats for them on the reservation?

Anyway, I think you text the dad and apologise wholeheartedly for being thoughtless and rude. Own it. He will respect you for it and you will have cleared the air for your ongoing relationship.

I can't believe you thought you could bring two extra people without paying for them. Without even checking.

If OP had been thinking, she might well have decided that her teenage sons probably wouldn't want to spend an afternoon with people they scarcely knew that were "polite to them" and just stayed at home.

Feels even more like she was just taking them to get a free meal.

YABU.

You and your partner don't even live together. You've chosen to partner with him, and he's chosen you, with 2 children. He may think of your teenage sons as part of his family now (gosh, I wouldn't but never mind) but it doesn't mean anyone else in his family needs to.

You both made a choice, but your DP's family didn't! So you - or your DP - should have offered to pay for your 2 DC.

That said, in your partner's father's situation, I would have paid for your 2, but judged you if you hadn't offered to pay as soon as the bill was mentioned.

You and your DP need to be prepared for his father to think quite differently than you about your lack of offering to contribute ...

I can’t believe you would bring them without them having been invited and that you didn’t already make arrangements to pay for them.

Perhaps if you had spoken to your DP’s dad and said you would pay then he would have been happy enough to include them when paying but the fact you expected him to pay (even unconsciously) is really cheeky.

If I was in his position I wouldn’t have paid for them either.

Not wanting to see him again will cause issues between you and your DP - you were the only one that did anything wrong in this scenario.

Sorry but they don't even live together. Tough abd blunt as it is, the OP's kids are just strangers at this point that the family met briefly. They are not marriex so is not really a blended family case yet.

Yes it’s rude to bring two other people but I didn’t think…
Them being paid for with my hand on heart, I never gave it a moment’s thought.

This is the very definition of being inconsiderate. You didn’t consider your FIL and how he would feel in this situation. You put him in a really difficult position due to your thoughtlessness.

You have been incredibly rude, OP, and if your sons are upset, it is because you put them in that situation. You might not like how your boyfriend's dad made his point but good for him, it is not ok that you turned up with your teenage kids to eat and drink at his expense.

The only reason you didn't give a thought as to paying for their meals was because you assumed somone else was picking up the tag. Don't act dim. And now YOU want to go NC with the man?!

If I were your boyfriend's family, your behaviour would be raising a lot of red flags. Your boyfriend hasn't moved in with you yet, your children have no relationship with these people, and yet you rock up to a family event expecting them to be paid for? If I were them, I would be wondering how far the CF behaviour would go once your boyfriend is actually living with you.

nicely put

How does he communicate to OP that he's not paying for her uninvited children, without giving the impression that he thinks she is trying to freeload off him?
He can't.

He could have paid for the whole bill and said she could settle up with him later, but maybe he didn't have enough to cover 2 extra meals?

While I accept I should not have brought them and offered to pay I would never have done what his father did and don’t want to see the father again.

And there - you are being very unreasonable @Puplunchcrasher .

It's understandable that it all "happened organically" but
a) you didn't offer to pay for them
b) you're now judging your DP's father in a completely OTT way - not wanting to see him again? When you were the rude one?????

Yes you should have checked with them first, but DO NOT blend your children with this family unless you are prepared that they will always treat your children as an inconvenience rather than valued members of the family. They have shown you exactly how they will proceed.

Find a new partner OP. Put your kids first.

A few years ago my divorced son was in a brief relationship with a woman who had a young son - they didn’t live together but I met her a few times and her son once

At Xmas I took gifts for my GC plus a gift for her son - Lego and a police car

She later sent me a very nice note thanking me for including little Johnny in my Xmas thoughts. It’s the not including that hurts a mother - although in the OP’s case she brought this upon herself!

As an aside, she and my son have remained good friends and helped each other out over the years 🙂