Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

I don't think anyone comes out smelling of roses here really. The OP/her DP made a faux pas by turning up with the boys without prior discussion and it would have been better if the father had spoken to his son during the meal to clarify arrangements for the bill rather than just leaving it unpaid.
He might well have been making a point, but equally it could be a genuine misunderstanding. If the OP wants people to believe that her actions were an innocent mistake then she probably has to accept that her DH's father might also have made an assumption that she'd pay for the two extra guests and intended no harm. But communication could definitely have been better on both sides.
I wouldn't think it is worth escalating though, not if the OP and her DP want any relationship with the wider family in future. I'd put it down to experience and move on I think.

Maybe his dad quite reasonably assumed that their mum or her partner would pay for the guests they brought. He'd only met the boys a few times, it's not as though they were always present at family events. DP needs to talk to his dad about this, and agree what happens in future.

It was definitely rude because people are forgetting they are not married and those children are not his grandchildren. I wouldn't be taking even a minute of my time to discuss anything above what I agreed and planned if someone chose to rudely turn up with extra guests.

You don't single out two children of your sons long term partner at a family event and make them feel excluded either. That's really classless

WHO EXPLICITLY SAID 'THE KIDS ARE NOT INVITED'

Can you see you’re the one that’s caused your son’s to be upset and embarrassed?

I’m confused here. You’re letting your embarrassment translate into anger directed towards your partners father. You admit you were wrong and accept it’s your oversight, why is this his father’s fault? What exactly did he do wrong here? Unless you think he should have just stumped up and paid?

I am really shocked that you 1-didn’t think to ask if it was ok to bring 2 extra people and 2-expected him to pay for not only yourself, but also the 2 extra people you brought along.

You sound extremely entitled.

Your DP is not your DCs stepdad.

They’re at an age where they’ll likely never been seen as truly part of the extended family.

You might as well have brought your siblings along for a free meal too.

This has to be a reverse surely….

Yes, the OP is projecting her own embarrassment at her faux pas onto someone she blames for not covering it up.

He should have stumped up and paid and then spoken to his son after about the money.
That is exactly what the polite thing to do would be

Why are you shouting?
Who explicitly said they are?! The issue is not that she brought them it’s that she was expecting the dad to pay. She didn’t even offer.

Exactly this!! Just the partner of this man's son and thinking she can invite her kids to their family's meal unannounced and that he'd pay?? Why?? Feels goady.

Why are you saying you don’t want to see your DP dad again. This situation was of your making, your children are embarrassed because you assumed you were getting your meals paid for. Did you thank your DP dad at the end of the meal, (when you thought he had paid for the meals)? maybe the misunderstandings wouldn’t have happened as he would have told you he hadn’t paid.

You seem to be avoiding answering the people asking whether you and your sons thanked him for lunch. If you and your children had been polite and thanked him, the situation would have been very different. Either he might have said you're welcome and paid, or he would have explained the misunderstanding. Since your family were rude and ungrateful, you were further embarrassed. Why are you angry with him?

OP's actions caused that. If she hadn't been so presumptuous and rude it wouldn't have happened. "I just didn't think..." doesn't ring true here, of course you think about who is paying for the food you and your children are eating when you're in a restaurant. OP and her partner had already decided that the partner's dad was paying and gave him no say in the matter, he chose to set a tone and not be taken advantage of. Very embarrassing for OP unfortunately but it is what it is.

I didn't think is ridiculous. No one goes out for a meal without thinking about who is paying. You tried to freeload and got caught out. I feel sorry for your sons.

If this were me, I would have at the beginning took father in law aside and said, the boys really wanted to come but I’m going to pay for their meals, here’s some money, or please separate their bill at the end.
bringing two extra guests and not saying anything at all and quietly expecting someone to pay for their meals without saying a word is really very cheeky and in the CF territory.

But the OP was very impolite both in bringing uninvited people and expecting someone else to pay for them. Maybe he wasn’t feeling like being extra-polite to smooth over her gaffe?

It was an error in judgement. Don't be so hard on yourself, OP. Write it off to experience and try to forget about it.

So you didn't think :
to check that it was ok to bring your sons along
to have a discussion about who would pay for them
to check that they had actually been paid for?

And your partner's father didn't think that you would be so rude and cheeky as to expect him to pay for your children.

But your lack of thinking is understandable?

(In fact I'm wondering if OP has ever thought to check that her partner's father is ok covering her bill as well).

The father should have spoken to your DP, as, strictly speaking, he was the one who brought the additional guests along
It was incredibly rude to send someone to run after your sons with the bill. The father could easily have paid the whole bill and then asked DP to reimburse him.

It is if he assumed the op was going to pay and they had been added to his bill by mistake. He may have thought how embarrassing for the op if her sons bill had been inadvertently paid by him putting her in a difficult position.

If you genuinely didn’t think about who would be paying for your meals, who has been thinking about paying for your meals all these years?

I’m presuming it’s an ongoing thing because I don’t think I’ve ever gone out for a meal and not thought about how I’d pay for it. As I’m getting ready, I’m making sure I’ve got my card/phone so I can pay.

Presumably you've been out for meals before and know you have to pay at the end? This 'didn't think' line is daft. You got up to leave, didn't check at the bar to see if there was a bill to be paid - badly handled. As pp have said, if you'd said to FIL that you'd get the meals for your boys, he'd probably have said not to bother he'd cover it. But you looked rude as it was.

Also, teenage boys of what age? 13 is more like a child maybe, but 14 up and you're probably paying for adult meals. You've glossed over that too.

If I arrange a meal I think it goes without saying that I only expect to pay for the people I've invited. I shouldn't have to circulate a list of people who are unequivocally not invited in order to not be financially liable for them if they turn up.