Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

It absolutely is comparable.

FIL could be a pensioner who closely budgets for 5-6 family meals a year, at c £30 a head for 10 people. Being asked to then, with no notice and not being asked, fund another two meals which could easily be £40-60 extra with drinks/starters/desserts could easily be the difference between affording his weekly shop or not.

OP didn’t even think about how to fund her sons meals. She didn’t even think about it enough to expect someone else to fund it. I can’t imagine bringing uninvited guests to a meal and then not even having a conversation about who was paying for it.

It seems the family were fine with the sons being invited, and if OP had mentioned it then FIL might have said “don’t be silly of course I’ll pay for theirs too”, but it’s not rude for him to spend more time thinking about who is paying for OP’s kids meals than the OP was, it’s grabby and entitled to assume someone else is paying for your kids in any scenario.

I really don’t think what you did was in any way rude OP. If your DP thought there was going to be an issue, he shoukd have spoken to his father and offered to pay for your sons.

The way your DP’s father handled it was rude and very strange. I would feel very upset in that situation and it’s a sign of things to come.

You were very rude to go to leave without first paying for your children!! Fair enough to take them, but you should have made it explicitly clear from the off that you were paying for their meal…and then done so! I’m genuinely embarrassed for you that you thought you didn’t need to do this. And why would your partner need to ‘have a word’ with his father about this?? 🤯

There’s a lot of sense in that. He could well have taken it as read (as he’d expect his son’s girlfriend to have decent manners) that she’d be paying for her own ‘add-on’ children at this meal, and in receiving the bill, just requested that a part of it be separated off for her.
He had no reason in Earth to automatically pay for them, since if these boys’ lunches were anyone’s treat, it was his own son’s, not his. He really had every solid excuse for not even thinking beyond that, with no ill intent or calculation at all.

Your son is DP’s partner’s son? He was worried about what he or his brother would think? I’m lost.

This is all on you and your partner. I get it’s embarrassing but it’s ts your fault not the dads. Presumably the other children are biological grandchildren so ofcourse they’ll be paid for. If you want a relationship with your partner then ofcourse you’ll need to see his dad and family again. The best you can do is apologise and say you weren’t expecting him to pay and you made a mistake.

Going to go against the grain here. I think it’s fucking rude of him. A nice reminder that they are nothing to do with him.

Even if you don’t agree with it you suck it up, pay, and then have a quiet word later.

No need to make it obvious someone isn’t family.

No the 2 kids are hers and then her partner has a son who was also there

100% which is why OP needs a different partner. She shouldn't make her sons to join this family, where they will always be made to feel superfluous.

She didn’t leave first, the partner’s father had paid most of the bill ( fir those he’d invited ) before he left, they then had another drink before leaving whilst assuming meals were paid for

I think YABU for not realising that he had got up to pay and for beating him to the till. I'd have had my eye on him all the time.

TBH I wouldn't let him pay for everyone all the time. You and your DP should be offering, even if he insists. You are both a bit rude IMO.

It sounds like you didn't even thank the dad for paying for your meal.
Because I can't imagine how you could have done that and not thought about who was paying for your sons' meals.

Oh, Mother of God. Hair-trigger emotional responses cause wars.

Absolute bollocks!

I would presume that I was paying for the people I'd invited and had offered to pay for. Similarly, I'd presume that if someone had chosen to invite someone else along that the inviter would go and pay for the people that they'd invited along. I wouldn't presume I was expected to pay for the extra guests unless I thought that the person inviting them along was a cheeky fucker who tries to duck out of paying their bills, and that's not generally the default opinion I have of people.

Another drink which the partner appeared to pay for when he wasn't even drinking. Did OP pay for anything?

I agree. You should have realised this.

This!

You were rude as fuck to bring uninvited teens to his family get together and a cheeky fucker to expect your partner's dad to pay for their meals

You were embarrassed? Good. I bet you don't do that again.

FAFO.

I don’t think it was about the sons not being considered family or shunned, it was about the entitlement the grandfather felt OP and his son had at bringing two non-invited ppl to a family get-together without asking if they could come, then expecting them to be paid for - the fact OP said she didn’t even think about it illustrates she didn’t consider paying throws or he partner paying for them. Same thing would have applied if she’d brought her parents or siblings. Not on.

It was very rude of you to take 2 extra people and not offer to pay from the. Had you done so maybe the offer would have been refused. Yes the father is making a point - but just that you dont bring extra people and expect me to pay without asking. He was polite not to call you out on it earlier and to not send your sons away.

The stinginess of some people never ceases to surprise me. The OP made an honest mistake.

I understand they were last minute and you hadn’t arranged it but I think that’s awful from on his father’s part. Both of you had choices and could have dealt with that in several different ways but it got to that point and he decided to send you a message. What a shame.

What an outrageous comment.

Where is the line? Can you bring the sons girlfriends too? How about their siblings on their dads side? A nephew you’re also babysitting at the time? A niece who’s in care and you’re the only family member she sees? Your foster children at that point in time? Your mum if shes travelled over to visit you that day? The elderly neighbour your treat like a grandmother and is like family to you? A best friend who is closer than a sister?

On every invite should I be explicit about who isn’t invited and who I am and am not willing to pay for? I’d suggest you assume it’s for the people invited only, and check if you want to bring anyone else (so DP checks if he can bring OP, OP checks if she can bring children), it’s much simpler than explicitly listing out the other 8 billion people I’ve not invited.