Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

Awkward one tbh and I don't quite know how you will all move on from it now tbh as clearly your offended and b your DP's dads reaction to the bill he was also offended.

There has been no communication between you both or your DP about who was paying for your DS's meals. I feel sorry for your DS's tbh as they must have felt very unwelcome after having a nice time and meal. Personally I would have just settled the bill and then had a with your DP not done with the dad has done. But then I would also had made the call to ask if it was ok to bring them along.

I also think it’s rude and petty to leave them out. Making a point. I would insist on paying for myself if theres a next time.

You were the most upset and embarrassed you have ever been in your life at the fact you had to pay for your own children's meals?

I'd be more mortified at the idea of being the kind of person who doesn't think to warn someone or ask permission to bring guests to their event. You are only invited as your partner's plus one. His dad isn't interested in your children because you're not married and they're not his family.

Exactly or offer to pay for them when it was time and let your partners father be the one to say no don't worry I'll pay for them and well.

@Puplunchcrasher Bringing them when they were not invited and then expecting them to be paid for can come across as grabby and taking the piss even though you say that wasn't your intention. In a situation like that you should be the one or your partner to say hey we're really to pay for the kids and if his father enst to he can welcome and offer to pay or let you pay.

Having read the updates, I think it's cruel on your sons who have been singled out and embarrassed. I wouldn't go again.

I feel sorry for the OP - she sounds trusting, not rude.

It might be that the partner's father hadn't budgeted for it. Eating out is now so expensive.

I would have paid for them if I were the father-in-law - but I think I would have checked if I were the OP, and offered to cover them in advance.

I wouldn't fall out over it - there will be bigger conflicts to come. Keep your powder dry this time.

Yes, agree with this.

Her assumption was he would pay (didn't even think about it), the dad's assumption was that she would pay (possibly also didn't even think about it). Her assumption was worse since she was bringing two uninvited, non related people to a family dinner. And now she's offended, really. And worse wants to cause a rift in her DP's family.

It isn't rude or petty - do you also pay for every random person's meal in the restaurant when you eat out?? Offer to reimburse the OP then(!)

I agree with a majority of the other posts.

I don’t think taking them was unreasonable, but if it was the first time I might have checked. I would definitely have offered to pay for them myself.

I imagine these terms would be perfectly acceptable to FIL.

Perhaps he couldn't afford to pay for two extra people or he hadn't budgeted for it, was he polite and welcoming to your children? Surely that's all that matters? I don't think him not paying for your children is any reason to not speak to him again

I appreciate you didn't deliberately set out to be rude, but the fact is you were. You invited your son's along to a meal, that you knew your son's weren't invited to, without running it passed your FIL. It then never entered your head, that those meals would need to be paid for by someone. You didn't offer any money to your FIL either!

Personally, I think you need to apologise to your FIL for being thoughtless. Your FIL is under no obligation to pay for your son's meals, especially as you invited them. I rather suspect your FIL deliberately didn't pay for the meals, to make a point to you. You also need to apologise to your own children for embarrassing them.

Going forward, I think it's obvious that your FIL won't be treating your son's in the same way as his own grandchildren. He doesn't have to do so. I do think your FIL should have taken your partner aside, and made it plain to him, that he wasn't going to pay for the meals, so you'd have to.

It didnt cross your mind that somebody would need to pay for your kids?

And somehow its the father that's in the wrong?
Wow.

If they all lived together, then sure.
But at this stage, nothing is set in stone in terms of any ‘family’ status, and I think DP’s father is in no way unusual in regarding this relationship as not quite 100% his family’s business yet. IYSWIM, as it’s tricky to articulate.
He hasn’t yet ascended to a FIL position, for instance, and these lads are pretty much nothing to do with him unless and until there’s a case made for their inclusion in his purview. (Like his son moving in with them and assuming a step-fatherly position.)
(
For now though, this can all be handled on a case by case basis, eg ASKING him if it would be acceptable to bring them to HIS family lunch gathering, and repeating this re any future bash until the whole relationship is put on a more recognisable footing, from his point of view. It’s mere politeness.)

Yeah I can see why you feel embarrassed and yes he could have handled it differently but from his perspective it comes across as you're taking the piss and you and your partner should have handled it differently as well.

You can clean the air next time you see him and say you didn't mean to assume he would pay and just skipped your mind, or you can just avoid it and move on and if as you say you don't want to see him anymore that's to me is an overreaction but it's your perogative.

Saying you never want to see the dad again is an over-reaction. You could cause lots of family upset and I don’t think it’s worth it.

You keep saying you ‘didn’t think’ about who would pay for your son’s meals - but then I think you should also consider that your partner’s dad just ‘didn’t think’ about paying for them. It doesn’t only go one way.

But they are his sons gfs family, which the son has clearly excepted.

They're not some random teens off the street.

There his sons, potential step sons if he moves in with them and get married.

Two teens he has known for the past two years.

I think people on here are lying if they think that wouldn't hurt.

It's far ruder to single out the two boys than it was to bring them. Clearly her dp assumed it would be fine.
The dad should have pulled his son aside and asked him to contribute if he couldn't afford it or took issue. Or asked you if you could pay for your own boys, Not just left them out but not mention it and have to have someone chase after them.

It was deliberate and it was to make a point and punish you, so that's why I wouldn't bother with him again.

You don’t automatically bring your teenagers to events they’re not invited to. That’s incredibly poor manners.

It's not on to just say 'I didn't think ' when you should have, you have made it awkward for everyone. Had you told your FIL you'd pay for the kids he would probably have told you it was no bother and paid for their meals also, most people would. Not if you just swan in without a word and seem to just expect them to be paid for, which is how it must have come across , you're right to be embarrassed.

Just turning up without a word, that's on you, you have created this situation. I feel sorry for your DPs family 🤷‍♀️

He would have had to ask specifically to remove those meals from the tables bill, so not the same.

Yeah you’re coming off rude and if not rude, absolutely thoughtless which is just as bad.

You didn’t think to ask to bring your children
you didn’t think to discuss payment
you didn’t think who would pay

playing the - I didn’t think card- just doesn’t sit right with me. Maybe think a bit more?

They don’t even live together.

OP is trusting?? I think she knew exactly what she was doing and thought she might just get away with it.

In what world is it OK to go to lunch with your latest partners family and expect them to fund two univited guests.

If you really didnt think any of this through then shame on you. I just dont believe you. You were grabby and now you are flouncing around playing the victim.