Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

The bottom line is that if you can afford to host everyone regularly, you can afford 2 extras as a one-off.

The reason you leave them out on the day is to make a point.

Either you're not adult enough to make that point to your own son privately at the time...

or you want to humiliate him via his DP.

Ergo, massive and tbh abusive dick.

@thestudio

You're going to pay for everyone, including your own son and his dp, just as you have done several times previously - apart from your son's stepkids whom you know and who have been polite and sweet to you?

That's the standard arrangement. It wouldn't occur to me that I'd be expected to deviate from it?

But not having that conversation privately? Not telling your own son like a normal human being in advance that you're leaving out these two children,

Like I said - I would automatically assume that this conversation didn't need to happen because I would presume that the son and/or his partner were intending to pay for the children themselves.

It seems rather strong to see that as a 'dick move' when it's not malicious. Erroneous assumptions and presumptions are errors of judgement but they are not dick moves? It's simply what happens when people assume. The OP also made an erroneous assumption in thinking that her sons' meals would be paid by someone else.

"perhaps you too are a mover of dick"

A bit of a rude thing to say to me, don't you think? I've been perfectly polite to you.

nb: To clarify - it's the move that's massive, not the dick. IME this kind of behaviour is compensatory.

I'm not sure what you mean by this. Are you saying that you think I have a dick? (I certainly don't.)

Abusive?! I’ve heard it all now!

In advance of the chasing - obviously.

'Son, I'm about to pay the bill for everyone. I'm going to pay for you and DP as per, but I'm not paying for those kids that aren't related to me.'

I wonder was he was too cowardly to let his son know his intentions? It's really hard to work out..

But you’re expecting someone else to compensate for OPs rude behaviour. It’s the whole basis of CFery. They do something that puts you in a situation where calling it out is uncomfortable or somehow rude. He did nothing wrong. If she asked/paid it wouldn’t be an issue.

They're not his step grandchildren. They're his son's girlfriend's kids. They're not married, or engaged, or living together, and have been together a short time. If the OP hasn't blended families yet, why should her boyfriend's extended family have to pretend she has?

He was probably too cowardly. I am generous but hate anyone making assumptions that I am going to pay for things.

I agree with this.

I do think the OP should have paid, or at least offered to, but I also think the way the DF handled it was really poor.

How would you describe a father who prefers to shame his son than have a conversation? Or cover a couple of pizzas or whatever?

I think the difference here is that I see family and children as something to cherish and celebrate, blood or no. This is a generous family man, a man who loves his family and likes spending time with them. They clearly all get on or OPs hackles would be risen to being hyper vigilant around “I’ll pay for my boys!” But what a sad sentence in the scheme of things, no? I’ll pay for my boys. My othered boys. My not family boys. My not your boys. I’ll pay for their burger and fries. Oh this family meal? But not my boys. Not my not family boys. Get outta here! How cruel. We can suggest OP shoulda woulda coulda, fine. Heads up? Fine. Bring them but WE will not be paying for him. Oh, okay. Sure thing. You’d never see my kids again. Not because of finances, it sounds like everyone here can afford to pay for two teenagers meals (do we think they ordered the £159 steaks? Little non family gobshites!!) kids are kids. My family paid for kids who weren’t related, boyfriends, girlfriends, best mates who tagged along, eventually new partners kids, blended families kids (I was hoping at one particular meal that my non blood related niece would chip in her 5th of the meal but she was 18 months at the time so couldn’t get much out of her!) anyway I’m being silly now.

Again, if the son or OP paid, there would be no shame in the situation at all. Any shame was brought on them by themselves.

Yes it would have been better to be open. But a lot of people find confrontation and setting boundaries hard. OP should never have put him in that position

Anyone who cares about his relationship with his son would have the conversation, however uncomfortable, at a later date.

They wouldn't shame their son.

@GhETty if OP had offered to pay, or even checked it was fine to bring her boys, he might have paid. The OP can't be bothered to help her son's actually get to know her boyfriends family. They have only met them a few times over a few years. That is absolutely nothing. But then when it suits her wants her son's to be treated as family.

Op how did this actually come about?

Because a table of that size doesn't get organised on a whim. That is a big table, most restaurants would need a booking.
It should have been cleared up at the booking if it was ok to bring the boys and who was picking up the tab for them.

I think you / DP need to apologise and say you are sorry for putting fil into an awkward position. And next time your pay your share for all of you.

Or: anyone who doesn't take his father for granted would have asked if he could bring two extra people instead of just assuming that bringing them would be fine and that they'd be paid for.

Most people - even if pissed off - would not have risked such an aggressive move which will inevitably damage this relationship.

This is not some CF from the school gate - this is his own son.

If he can't have that really pathetic conversation with his son then he is, as I said, a shit parent.

@thestudio

You're judgemental of what you view as bad behaviour by the father, fair enough

"perhaps you too are a mover of dick"

But then you go ahead and make what seems like a bit of a snide dig at someone who has been nothing but polite to you. (If you look at my posts that have responded directly to yours, there is no rudeness from me.)

If you're going to judge others for what you believe is inappropriate behaviour, don't you think you should also be at least somewhat mindful of your own?

youre a CF

expecting other people to pay for you and your kids

grow up

Treat as kids maybe? Children (and people actually) are inherently worthy of respect and inclusion, IMHO. The cost of a couple extra meals cost this man nothing but actually the price was much more. He made his point, his sad little petty point, in front of children who now know this kindly and funny grandad figure does not value them. Not enough to pay for a couple extra meals. Oh, going to invite YOUR kids to MY family meal? Where I normally pay for you and clearly the vibes are relaxed and enjoyable enough that YOU are comfortable to bring YOUR kids along thinking we’d have nice time? A time where YOU didn’t immediately feel to need to jump up as loudly pronounce that you would pay for YOUR kids? Ha, let’s see about that lady. You CF, I’ll show you. Yep, he showed her alright… the comments on this thread just remind me how children are incredibly disrespected in our culture. All
children should be all our children.

Nope. You're not my child - I don't think...? - so there is no equivalence.

I also disagree that calling someone a mover of dick is inherently rude.

To me it's a gentle ribbing rather than a diagnosis, though only you can confirm.

Lol, ‘cherish and celebrate’, by which you mean pay for. That’s one way to spin it I suppose. How terrible of the man for not paying for OP’s invited guests(!) And poor OP, being expected to cherish and celebrate her own kids. Truly a tragedy.

You’d never see my kids again

A great loss, I’m sure.

@thestudio

I also disagree that calling someone a mover of dick is inherently rude.

It seems rude to me, but okay, perhaps you didn't mean it in that way.

To me it's a gentle ribbing rather than a diagnosis, though only you can confirm.

The ribbing, however gentle, is not wanted.

InterIgnis, you see it as “pay for” and I see it as “enjoy” perhaps two utterly different life and world views and neither of which either of us will understand - you’ve also resorted to saying my kids would be no loss, again, how terribly sad for you to say to a stranger on the internet about children…

I fear you perhaps do not know this kind of family & community but wish you well in finding it (although perhaps no one with their own kids eh? Wouldn’t wish it on them)

Maybe, just like you didn't think to pay for your sons' meals, DP's father, just like you, didn't think to pay for your sons' meals either!!!
Pull the other one! You and your sons were free loading. DP's father rightly, pushed back and you don't like being called out on your bad behaviour!
When you go into supermarkets and the local garage to fill up with fuel, do you also not think to pay???