Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

Well, I would say at least you know where you stand. Your DP’s father was sneaky when he paid the bill and excluded your kids without letting your DP know. How was he expecting you/your DP to find out that those meals were unpaid? He literally did a runner and left you and your dcs to be embarrassed and also the server.

I do think it’s gross treating kids like this. My dc were my PILs’ only GC. BIL then got together with a woman who had 2 kids. At Christmas, PILs treated my two and the new two the same, giving each of the 4 children £30. Previously, my two got more money but PILs were not loaded and so shared the.budget equally amongst the kids. Everyone was happy with this. BIL wasn’t married to the woman and later left her. But my kids have fond memories of a Christmas with her dcs.

Clearly your dcs aren’t seen as important. But worse, do’s father was sneaky in how he went about showing this. I’d keep away from him unless necessary. Send DP alone mostly. Dp’s father is presumably expecting to be invited into your kids’ home when DP moves in. No way would I be cooking for him after this stunt. Or have my kids kowtowing to him by getting up and shaking hands.

I think all you can do really OP is style it out. If you paid “oops, silly me!” what is there to be annoyed at anyone else about? Nobody was even left, so nobody saw you leave without paying. Bringing it up in any way is like doubling down on the idea you expected him to pay for your uninvited DC.

I think if you'd have offered to pay for your sons first he might have paid the tab. It was probably the thankless assumption he was slightly offended about himself.

If it was a genuine oversight I'd probably tell DP to send my apologies, you did intend to pay for your children and you were caught up in the catching up. Say you feel embarrassed that you might have seemed assumptive and of course you will pay for your own children if you bring them again.

I think its you that needs to do a bit of damage control here OP, not the father in law. He didn't do anything wrong, its not a slight to not pay the tab of extra guests when as the gift giver you weren't even asked or acknowledged and he was welcoming to your family by the sounds of it.

@nisa the father in law has only met the kids a few times. Of course they are not important to him. He hardly knows them.

I share your opinion entirely. The OP is out of order, but cowardly is exactly what the father is.

I only just read this as I read OPs posts first (which just made it worse and worse lol) but this is an excellent suggestion and hopefully OP uses it. It’s like, her only get out of jail free card. If I ever do something really stupid, I’m coming to you for advice on how to weasel my way out for sure!

YABU If I was the fil I wouldn’t have wanted to pay for your kids. That wouldn’t mean I didn’t like them or you, I just wouldn’t want to pay for them. I would also hate the fact you didn’t say anything or ask. If I were you I’d apologise. It was you and your boyfriend that put him in the awkward position.

these replies are shocking these two boys are OPs CHILDREN I wouldn't sit at a table with people again who would treat my children different from me. I doubt anyone else on here would either. The father doesn't own the pub I wouldn't ask for permission for my children to come along we come as a package yes he's well within his rights not to pay for them. But I would take that as a massive snub towards my children and distance myself

Where exactly have you seen OP to say that he paid for her kids in the past? Maybe I missed it. I only saw he met them briefly. And if he did, even more reason to say no. Why is he the default payer when it should be the OP? OP should thank the DF for his generosity for paying for her, but she didn't even do that, or she can't remember doing it because she "didn't give it a second thought". Who is crass, the father or OP in this situation?

Oh OP, I feel for you. I haven’t read all 33 pages but can imagine the responses but have read yours. You’ve made it clear it isn’t about the money, it’s about feeling your children have been included in a blended family set up. We are tribal people, thats what family is really isn’t it? And you’ve been told, loud and clear, that your boys are NOT. I would be deeply hurt too. It would change things for me, forever too. I come from a family where all children are included, always. Yes, even TWEENS! Are counted as children. I think many may have said that this man had no obligation to your children in this moment, but on a humanist level - he did? To exclude people silently and know the embarrassment of chasing you for payment and not giving you a heads up. He of course, retains his right to do just that but let it be a clear communication to you. He has allowed this to happen, a family man, a generous man who it sounds like budgets for this often. He chose to humiliate you and your children over an extra, what, £50? £60? I don’t want to hear he has budgeted for EXACTLY WHAT HIS BLOOD FAMILY WILL EAT AND ORDER. It’s a grim way to live life and I am glad I’m not afflicted with meanness, especially when it comes down to deliberately excluded two kids. Come on!

@GhETty

What makes you so sure that the father was deliberately out to embarrass the OP and exclude her sons? Surely it's just as likely that he had made an honest assumption, in good faith, that their mother would be paying for their meals?

@GhETty the family have only met the sons a few times. I wouldn't consider a family members girlfriend sons who I have only met a few times over a couple of years family.
If you want to be considered family you make much more of an effort to get to know that family. Especially when you don't even live together

The children are not the man's family, they are the OP's family. Twist this and read this way: I invited my son and his partner for dinner, his partner brought her two sons to said dinner without asking us and didn't bother to offer to pay, to ask us if is ok or even say thank you. They only been together 2 years they don't live together and I barely know the lads. Am I unreasonable to say I will not pay for the lads as I didn't invite them and I didn't factor them in my expenses to start with?

These are kids? Who cares? It’s a nice meal where everyone had enjoyed themselves. I’d be hurt by thinking we were having a great catch up when in reality he was likely pondering how to best handle not paying for your kids. Being annoyed at them being brought along is quite sad to me, why not more the merrier? They are her children. Not some strangers she dragged in from the street. How many times does a kid need to be met and paid for independently before they are deemed worthy by the FIL?

@GhETty sorry I missed the memo that unrelated adults should pay for other people's kids because they are kids. They are actually teenagers who probably eat more than most of the adults.

I believe you made an honest mistake, OP, but that doesn't make your faux pas any less. Your partner's father was also quite ungracious. He should have pulled your partner aside and had a quiet word about it, or just paid for your kids and brought it up later on.

The main error was from you though. You just don't bring uninvited guests to other people events, especially without talking to them first. I would be mortified in your position.

Then, my friend, perhaps you too are a mover of dick 😁

You're going to pay for everyone, including your own son and his dp, just as you have done several times previously - apart from your son's stepkids whom you know and who have been polite and sweet to you?

It's your prerogative, I guess, to make whatever point you're making about who's family and who's not.

But not having that conversation privately? Not telling your own son like a normal human being in advance that you're leaving out these two children, that you don't consider them family, such that your son and his DP are chased back by the staff?

Humongous dick move.

nb: To clarify - it's the move that's massive, not the dick. IME this kind of behaviour is compensatory.

Change it to “invited her children” I personally feel this is a crappy thing to do to two kids and make them feel othered in a situation where presumably we hope to have good will and a family dynamic eventually. I don’t think it’s right to embarrass children, I’d have paid the money and enjoyed our meal thinking

You should has asked if it was OK and said you going to pay for the extra people not invited. I think they should have mentioned you would need to pay for them if you didn’t raise it.

Maybe you did miss the memo? Teenagers are kids and worthy of respect despite what they eat

@thestudio they are not the sons step kids. They do not live together. They are the sons girlfriends sons. And father has met them a few times. That is all. Yes he is polite but barely knows the sons.

Of course they are worthy of respect. Doesn't mean others need to pay for them,

Your partner's father was rude, yes. I would have paid for everyone.Yes, he is explicitly saying that your children are not part of his family, therefore he will not pay for their meals. I would not want to see him again, either.

In your position, though, I would have walked up to him and offered to pay for my children's meals, and mine.

Do people really think a sons girlfriends two sons who the family have only met a few times are part of the family? I find that idea very strange.

Not telling your son in advance you’re not going to pay for people that weren’t invited?

What about the son telling the dad in advance they were planning on bringing extra people for him to pay for?