Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

A dick move to turn up with additional guests without mentioning it before the meal or offering to pay for them.
Given the Op has suppressed any memory of thanking the father for her lunch I’d say that was a dick move too.

Her partner should have paid for her and her children
he’s at wrong here

Not Al all. Rather, could you not have given me a heads up you were going to have those two meals removed from the bill? If I allowed my partners children to come along to a family meal I'd have a good sense of whether or not they would be paid for; I'm guessing OP's parter had presumed the invitation would be extended to her sons also or would surely have thought to raise it with her. I genuinely can't imagine being so mean. It's a clear indication of how she is viewed and I'd take heed of that.

@bittertwisted

Why should he have paid for the OP's children?

He paid for the OP's meal, like he usually does. But why should he have been expected to pay for the meals of two people who he wasn't even expecting to attend?

No he hasn’t. He’s paid for OP before, not for her children who he hasn’t invited to these dinners. OP not only decided to bring uninvited guests, but had the audacity to try and land him with the bill.

She’s upset and it’s entirely her own fault.

His dad sounds awful; he was cowardly in the way he handled the bill situation.

I completely disagree with this, he gave OP the same energy she gave him, she rudely didn't mention bringing two extra guests, rudely didn't offer to pay for them and he rudely didn't mention that he never paid for them, fairs fair.

I get the impression if he is an older chap that this is about lack of respect rather than the money, he's obviously not tight, but OP brought two extra people that weren't invited, didn't mention it before hand, and didn't offer to pay.. it is so rude and disrespectful to do that.. no matter what she says, from his point of view she is obviously expecting him to pay for them as she never said anything, and they didn't even say thank you afterwards!!

I do not buy the 'I didn't think' bullshit as a genuine excuse, only CF do this sort of thing 'without thinking'. BUT I would also hazard a guess that if she asked if they could come, or offered to pay he wouldn't have heard of it and would have paid for them no problem.. too late for that now though!

You’re rude and grabby. You’re also over dramatic, and making it a big deal.

If your sons are embarrassed, it’s a) because you’re making it out to be a massive deal and b) it’s a good lesson for them to learn that it’s potentially embarrassing to show up at a pub/restaurant and expect your meal to be free.

The fact that you never want to see your partners dad again due to your own oversight (greed) makes you out to be the problem
100%

It sounds to me like you think what you did was ok because you “weren’t thinking” but it’s the fact you weren’t thinking that makes it rude. You have said you weren’t expecting him to pay but you clearly were because you weren’t going to pay until someone ran after you with the bill.

You literally invited extra people and expected him to pay. You say you could never do what he did - you could never not pay for people you hadn’t invited? Of course you could! You were going to not pay for the people you had invited!

Agreed. IMO, he's about to learn a harsh lesson about the difference between value and cost. He may have saved himself the financial value of those two meals, but the subsequent cost of his actions may be far, far greater.

People are often very black and white on Mumsnet, but you can still set boundaries while keeping good relationships.

He paid for @Puplunchcrasher meal because she was an invited plus 1, he didn't pay for her teenagers as he didn't invite them they were gatecrashers brought without a heads up by op and her boyfriend

”I didn’t think” is a hell of a catch all here.

You have now had the chance to think… and you now know it was wrong to not double check… and wrong to not offer to pay…

but you have also consciously made the thought that you are offended that you weren’t paid for!?

and strangely offended that your son was embarrassed.

You should be the one who is embarrassed. We all make mistakes, but genuinely not thinking is not an apology.

Think. Apologise. Do better next time.

Exactly this. By leaving the pub without offering to pay you were very “taking”. You should have checked ahead to see if the sons were invited. How incredibly embarrassing for your sons and you put them in that position yourself.

Why? They are her kids not his - her responsibility.

I agree with this post from @SatinHeart

But if it was you - would you be happy with leaving it to the embarrassed server to inform your son and the OP that the kids wouldn't be paid for?

Or would you think it would be a dick move not to talk to your own son first?

If the former, you are yourself a dick mover ;-)

I don’t think the father is wrong in what he did. He was probably too embarrassed to ask you to pay or to make a scene.

You most likely look unreasonable to the family because you brought along 2 extras for free food (you don’t but that’s how it would look to others).

You not talking to the father again makes you look guilty of EXPECTING the free meals for your ds’s and being angry he didn’t pay for them.

I think you should be asking for ideas about what to say/ do next.
I would try to see FIL and apologise for any awkwardness (he will have felt awkward saying he wasn’t paying for 2 meals) and explain how you had every intention of paying for your kids meals but you forgot.

@thestudio

I would be assuming that the kids were going to be paid for - by their mother.

If OP or her DP had just gone to pay for the meals there would be no chasing after anyone with a bill, would there?

OP, I know you said you didn’t think, but you must have thought something would happen re taking the extra children along. Their food wouldn’t be free. They don’t normally go, so there must have been a thought process involved.

It seems much more likely to me, especially as you didn’t ask re bringing your sons, that the Dad just assuming you were planning to pay for them. That was the “organic” thing to happen, bearing in mind you had had no conversation with him re the extra attendees.

So far from deliberately embarrassing you and hoping to see you chased with a bill, he probably assumed you were planning to go ip and pay before leaving.

I can’t see why anything else would be your reading of the situation.

”What he did” was just stick to the default situation, bearing in mind nothing else had been said.

You may gave needed to ask before bringing your kids, but your partner's father was petty. He could have paid once and then talked to partner about it afterwards, so there is no repeat.

Of course when you saw your partner’s dad going to pay you should have gone after him to offer to pay for your boys’ meals. If you did I would have imagined he would have told you it was ok, not doing so made you look like a CF despite the fact that that wasn’t your intention.

@Restlessinthenorth the family have only met OPs kids a few times. This is not a case of a family very regularly seeing OPs kids.

PS - I agree with those saying it was ideally for your partner to have the prior discussion with his Dad re a. Bringing the boys at all and b. Paying for them

So far from deliberately embarrassing you and hoping to see you chased with a bill, he probably assumed you were planning to go ip and pay before leaving.

Exactly. I really do not see why some people are jumping to the conclusion that there was ill intent from the father.

hang on, so you were the one drinking while your partner drove, but he paid the bar bill? So his dad picked up the tab for your food (as he has done every time you've met up with him), and then your partner paid for your drinks and taxied you and your kids to and from your house to the pub when he doesn't even live with you?

It's a bit ironic to say you could never do what his dad did when from the sound of it you don't exactly come across as someone willing to even pay for yourself, let alone anyone else!