Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

WTF. You have read the thread? This is NOT son's new family. They've only been dating 2 years. Shit, I have tins older than that in the cupboard. They are not my new family either. Yes op says they are moving in next year. Genuinely just wondering how the 3 children regard that.

I would have given him £50 or whatever it cost.

It was perhaps a bit crass of your DP's Dad not to take DP to one side and say "I don't think I want to pay for OP's sons, will you/she take care of it?" - or at least "I see OP has brought her sons along, I assume she's paying for them?". And then DP could have had a quiet word in your shell-like and the embarrassment would have been avoided. But Dad was just dealing a bit inelegantly with a situation that you really should have thought of in advance. As PP have said, this going to be something that happens again as you build your blended family lives in future, so chalk it up to experience and in future make sure you know who's paying for whom before you sit down.

Outrageous and entitled of you to assume he'd pay. What planet are you on.

But historically FIL has paid for OP's children and has previously given no indication at all that this was a problem.

To unexpectedly diverge from previous practice without discussing it with his own bloody son or the OP - that's a punishment designed to humiliate them. What a prick.

A normal person would have said 'Hey son, we can't continue to pay for your partner's kids, will you sort it?'. No humiliation required.

OP, ignore all the people that say you are a CF! This is not normal behaviour.

You should have asked in advance if they could come and said you’d pay for them. You were unbelievably rude to bring them without agreeing this and then expect that his dad would pay for them.

Oh, come on! It seems to be a Mumsnet thing that any relationship short of a ten year marriage doesn't count as long-term or permanent.

In the real world, most people would see a partner of two years, with a plan to move in together imminently, as a long-term relationship.

I say this as someone married over 20 years so I have no skin in the game of 'justifying' the status of a two year relationship. I just get tired of reading comments on here that regard as two year relationship as no more significant than someone you've been seeing for two weeks.

If it was me I would have not only made it clear that I was paying for my children but I would have paid for myself too. I would not have felt comfortable allowing the father to pay for my meal after two years of dating. I would have also said thank you for the meal invitation etc. If he always insists on paying I would have also showed my appreciation by taking him a token gift eg a box of chocolates etc. and/or reciprocating with an invitation to a home cooked meal etc. I think you mentioned that he had already left when you were presented with the bill so he might think that you made the decision to get up and pay after he left (and didn’t assume the meals had been paid for). Ignoring him etc is going to make the situation incredibly awkward. I think you are just going to have to reflect on what happened and try to move on, especially if you care for your partner and see a future together. He did also pay for your meal OP which he really should be thanked for 💐

Id have paid for their meals beforehand.

@thestudio

But historically FIL has paid for OP's children and has previously given no indication at all that this was a problem

I'm not sure where you're getting this from? From what the OP said, it looks like this was the first time that her sons have attended. Previous meals out appear to have been for the father-in-law's immediate family, with OP included as she is the partner of one of his son's.

The sons coming along seems to be a first-time thing.

The father has paid for the Op before.
There’s no suggestion he ordinarily pays for them.

He probably did it to make a point. And you're the offended one? I'd be mortified if I were you! Rude, careless, thoughtless, ignorant and self-centred.

Maybe DFIL just didn’t think?

Yet another poster who doesn’t get the corroboration they expect so they go radio 📻 silent… why post just for an echo chamber?

I can afford to take many people out several times a year. I am more than happy to treat my family, and their friends. If someone offered to.pay, I would decline, with grace. This situation isn't that. This is OP, new girlfriend, turning up unexpectedly with 2 quasi adults and not saying a word. Having been treated many times in the past. I wouldnt like that at all. I would expect, despite the lack of communication they would pay for their DC. So I would settle my usual and beyond generous share of the bill. There is no judgement on the young people, but their dining bill needs to be paid, and it won't be by me on this occasion.

I do think it sends a clear message when two people out of such a big party were left out. People do not like blended families on MN. They also don’t like ‘entitlement’ which is why you’re getting a hard time. I don’t think I’d have assumed they were being paid for but also had he paid, left and said nothing then I also would be hurt that these two had been singled out. He paid for your meal - why not them? It sends a clear message doesn’t it.

Perhaps a chat beforehand about the bill would have avoided this but i don’t blame you for being upset about the message it sends.

Thet don't live together so no not family.
If they do move in together and blend their families that would be different. Nobody I know would consider that some random thats dating your dc and not committed enough to live together is family.
Choosing to marry or not is less relevant than living together imho

Sorry OP but you're not making sense:
You're trying to convince us that you forgot about paying because it was hectic at the end of the meal. That's ok, I can believe that.
But if not paying was your error, then surely you're admitting that you should have paid? So how come you're making out your boyfriend's dad is awful for not paying?

Also, I feel it's your responsibility to make sure your sons aren't upset by it. It's not their fault - it's yours. So please make out to them that it's sorted and not a big deal!

Ah apologies and also to @Notonthestairs - I've misread the OP.

Still think it's a dick move though without discussing it with his own son.

So my 'what a prick' stands!

@thestudio

I just have a hard time seeing why you'd attribute this to intentional malice (which seems to be what you're saying) rather than an honest misunderstanding/presumption on the part of the father.

Don't you think it's just as likely - perhaps even more so - that he simply assumed their mother was aware that she would be covering the cost of their meals? An erroneous assumption on his part, but an assumption made in good faith - not a dick move?

It’s hard to say what the vote is for. The ending comment is that you don’t want your DP to speak to his dad about it - what is it your DP wants to say?

If he wants to have a go at his dad and you don’t want him to do that then YANBU.

If he wants to say “sorry for inviting two extra people without checking with you, we got the message you weren’t happy to pay for them when we got the bill, and so we paid it and we won’t bring uninvited guests again” but you don’t want him to say that then YABU.

People on Mumsnet have some strange ideas ; "new girlfriend" and "some random" are not words to describe a partner of two years. And how odd to define living together as the only marker of seriousness of a relationship.

His dad sounds awful; he was cowardly in the way he handled the bill situation. And your partner is equally a coward if he doesn't take up with him the way you and your sons were treated.

That isn't even what OP said. A member of staff ran after them as they were trying to leave (without paying). It is far more likely that the son was the closest by and easiest to catch his attention, rather than the dad specifically said 'bill him'. OP has already owned that it was her that caused embarrassment, not the waiter, nor the dad.

Who knows how many years this family lunch has been going on, with whoever is the son's girlfriend going along as a +1. She and her children are not family to this man. They have only been together 2 years, don't live together. Unless OP and partner introduced everybody very early on, they can't have met that often.

Take it up with him? "How dare you not pay for people you didn't invite!"? Embarrassing

Don't worry, I doubt that the father wants to see you again. The fact that he did this shows he's very pissed off about you expecting your sons to get a free meal. As someone who's been on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour from my son's partner, I can relate.