Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

The fact that you still can’t see that you’re in the wrong here and infact incredibly rude is mind blowing.

You keep repeating how you’ll never talk to your partners father again and how you could never do what he did but you’ve acted awfully.

The extreme entitlement of not even thinking how your children’s meals would be paid for, for not thinking to approach your partners father and let him know discretely that you’d be covering their meals and the fact that you haven’t reached out to him to apologise for putting him in such an awkward predicament and “apparently” not thinking about all of this beforehand.

You need to take some time to self reflect on this one because you’re well off course
to be thinking he did anything wrong.

You bought along two extra guests to what you know is a routine meal that gets paid for by somebody else, you didn’t even ask if that was ok and then you didn’t bring up the subject of him not having to pay for them.

When your partners father went up to pay you should have joined him to pay for your two sons lunch. Why didn’t you think to do this?

Surely it’s the son or OP that should have had a word with the father, something along the lines of we will be paying for the boys or here is £70 for the boys meals.

OP: It’s my fault that my sons were upset and embarrassed but I could not do what his father did.

There is no But OP, it all falls on you, as most PP have said, they could not do what You did.

Stop trying to shift the blame.
His father wouldn't have done what he did, had you not done what you did.

I can't get over the fact OP can't remember if she said thank you. There shouldn't be any doubt whatsoever there.

I guess also if you won’t be speaking to his Dad again you don’t have to worry about this situation happening again going forward because you won’t be going to any of the family meals!

After 2 years nobody normal would consider these.children to be family. They are not. They are probably delightful young teenage men, so no issue to meet occasionally and chat to. But not family. Why would anyone impose that burden on them? They have families, mum's and presumably as they are not always with mum, dad's family too. They don't need another family imposed on them.

That doesn't make the boyfriend's dad mean spirited. Sensible, yes.

This is a disaster.
Your DP’s, DF had in mind a nice family meal with people he had INVITED.
You bring along your 2 kids which might have pissed him off anyways and then you completely ignored the fact that there would be a bill.
In saying all of this, I personally couldn’t have done what he did and would have paid and spoken to my DS about it afterwards. Either, your FIL has balls of steel OR he’s very pissed off about something to do with you and his DS and this was the icing on the cake. To me he wanted to prove a point.

I think it’s strange of him to have asked the waitress to bill the eldest teenager! It’s very passive aggressive isn’t it?! Why didn’t he pay it then ask your partner for x towards it? Or why didn’t he view them as kids and potentially family?! I don’t think I’d want to attend those dinners any more. It’s not nice of him to embarrass your children in that way. He excluded them from the family meal which is quite heartbreaking.

I agree. FIL is not the one who embarrassed the dss's that was all Op.

I think this whole situation is, in the grand scheme of things, a mountain out of a molehill.

The OP says she didn't think about it, which I accept. That more or less amounts to her assuming that her partner's father would pay for her sons' meals, otherwise it would have at least crossed her mind that she would be paying.

She probably assumed this because of the father's previous largesse. She took it as a given that this would be extended to her sons. She didn't do so maliciously, it was thoughtlessness. A mistake.

Where I think you are being unreasonable, OP, is saying that you don't want to see the father again. I understand you feel embarrassed but that's a huge over-reaction to what was most likely merely an assumption on his own part (that you would be covering your sons' meals) rather than some kind of pointed, deliberate exclusion.

The father - some people are speculating that he purposefully did this to exclude OP's sons. I think that's a very uncharitable reading and that it's much more likely that, like the OP, he himself made an assumption - his assumption being that their mother was paying for them.

I also think some people are envisioning some sort of relationship dynamic between the father and OP's sons that probably doesn't exist. It doesn't sound like anyone in OP's partner's family has met her sons that often or has any kind of proper relationship with them. They sound like acquaintances at best.

I’m neither English, British, nor American, and behaviour like OP’s isn’t accepted in my home country. She’d be told directly that she was taking the piss.

I’d say it’s would be more ‘English’ to suck it up and seethe silently.

I do hate the tendency on Mumsnet to say it’s totally fine to treat stepkids (actual or de facto - who cares) as less than because “they’re not family”.

They aren't family and they aren't seen as family. Her kids aren't stepkids. They aren't married or living together and it's a relationship of 2 years, so not even long term. This was a family gathering. OP was invited as a +1, her bf's father was hosting. Her kids were not invited.

You don't bring uninvited guests to a family gathering. And you sure don't leave it to the host to pay for the people you brought. Yikes.

Of course they mean less to the host that the host's grandkids. They're not close. This was for family and OP has shown herself to her bf's dad as a freeloader who will bring her kids whether they've been invited or not. She owes him an apology. She's not going to win this one. She can pout and sulk that her bf's dad didn't let her take advantage of his generosity and it won't hurt him. Let her go no contact. Her bf's family will likely be relieved.

I think that your ‘thoughtless’ actions in bringing your boys to a family lunch without checking first with your DP’s father have rebounded on you and, sadly, your sons. You absolutely should have ‘thought’ when you knew someone else was paying. Your DP’s father then reacted badly to your assumptions and sadly your sons became aware. You can’t really blame DP’s father reacting rudely when you were being incredibly rude in the first place. Apologise to your boys for your social gaffe and learn some manners. Nobody likes being taken for granted!

@Loloj

But I don't see how he necessarily could have predicted that what he did could have resulted in embarrassment or upset?

He might well have assumed that it was a foregone conclusion that the sons' meals were taken care of (or going to be) - by their mother.

If he thought that the OP was fully aware that she would be paying (which would be my assumption in a situation like this) then he can't possibly have known how things would unfold.

Heartbreaking??? They aren't his family by amy stretch of the imagination.

Really? He had to actively take their meals off the bill, and he didn't think to say to his own son 'im not paying for OP's kids, make sure she knows she still needs to pay'...

That is a snub. A massive one.

They shouldn’t have been on the bill, they weren’t invited. At the very least the OP should have asked for her own bill.

I think this is the sad reality of blended families. Since getting divorced, one of my siblings has been in 3 relationships with children involved over the years. We are always expected to treat these children the same as our niece and nephew. I resent it as they are just random children to me. I don't want to treat them and take them out and buy them equal birthday/christmas presents. I don't love or have a relationship with them.
Alternatively, my husband's brother has lived for many years with a woman who had a young child when they met. They are an established family and this child now feels part of our family and we treat them as such. It has happened organically.

In your situation i think it is extremely presumptious to assume that this man would wish to pay for your sons unless he had specifically invited them. It is awkward and unpleasant for your children/you but that it the reality of the situation. You should have insisted on paying for your own children.

How awkward
clearly they’re just putting on a face but this would worry me
a man moving in with me who’s father won’t pay for an occasional meal for 2 teens because they aren’t his “biological” grandchildren
I fear this is the tip of the iceberg here

This.

Not in the eyes of the boyfriend’s father, clearly, and I think that’d be a very common view in his generation.
The way OP has described her setup certainly indicates that number of ‘fastening’ steps have yet to be taken still, even in her own mind, until this is a ‘family unit’ rather than a couple.

I feel sorry for the boys , none of this is their fault.

But, OP, the way not to have your sons feel embarrassed is not to behave like a total cheeky embarrassment.

And you did so they do.

It's on you.

That makes it sound like this man is rejecting two children his son has adopted!

they aren’t his biological, adopted or step grandchildren. They aren’t related to him at all. They are his son’s girlfriend’s children.

While the man’s behaviour lacked grace and kindness, his son brought along two guests to a family meal without giving the man a heads up and then didn’t move to cover the extra cost.

you can’t just decide someone’s definition of family for them.

Based on that rationale, why didn't the OP pay for her sons meal? There are her sons after all, actual family not potential.