Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

Im not really buying the thoughtlessness. Would you usually go out for lunch and not for one moment consider how the bill was going to be paid?

Rubbish. What happened was, you presumed he would pay because what’s 2 more, and perhaps if the bill was paid at the table you would have made a gesture to pay for boys.

but you didn’t do anything. The meal was finished. They had left. You sat at the bar and assumed it had all been settled. Then discovered it wasn’t.

your partner should have cleared with his father before the meal that you would all be going and that your partner and you would take care of your food bill separately.

why neither of you did that is beyond me.

I personally would not have done what your partner's father did - it just wouldn't be worth it for the sake of £50 - £60 but it would have been nice if you hadn't just assumed, given that your boys hardly know your partner's family. No one comes out of this that well tbh.

I would be cringing if I was your DP, it's extremely unclassy behaviour from his dad.

However FIL was making a point. What was it? Does he not approve of your relationship or is it that he was annoyed you arrived as a five instead of a three?

I think your DP is in the wrong here too. He should have cleared the extra guests with his dad and said you would all cover your costs. And yes you should have offered to pay.

But FIL's response was disproportionate and extremely rude and insensitive to your son's. He should have phoned his son afterwards and actually spoken about whatever his objection was. You don't even know and I doubt you are remotely interested in finding out now.

I don't blame you not wanting to see him. I would feel very uncomfortable in his presence after seeing my DC left out like that. What a nasty man.

My parents would never behave like this with my DSC.

It’s good you have accepted you’re at fault here, you really should have asked/thought. But FIL was also unkind in his actions.

I accept I was rude but it was just thoughtlessness.

Thoughtlessness is a way of being rude 😂 it’s not an excuse! You couldn’t be bothered to spare a single second out of your day to ask yourself “should I bring my kids, who will pay for them”. Goodness me.

@Puplunchcrasher Never would I ever just bring my kids to my partners family restaurant outing without having:
A) Asked if they minded
B) Say that I would ofcourse pay for myself and my children (if there was a standing invitation where the grandfather always paid)

You are a CF and now you're angry because he wouldn't put up with your cheeky fuckery. He did not embarrass anyone by not paying- you embarrassed yourself and your sons by wrongfully assuming someone else would pay for your kids!

You are ridiculous and grabby. He will have been upset at being expected to pay for 2 more people. He will might think how many more you will bring next time.

Whose step children are they?

To the older man they are simply the kids of the woman his son is sleeping with.

He did not want to pay for them to dine at his table. This was on their mother to address, upfront and before the end of the meal. She failed to do so because she assumed he would pay for her kids food and drink.

Do you routinely "forget" to pay for your children's food? You know, at the supermarket, or getting a takeaway, or taking them out yourself? Are you maybe a habitual dine and dasher? If so, that would at least explain how you could have forgotten. Otherwise it seems rude. A fiver says that if you had offered to pay, as you should have done, he'd have covered it. But as you decided to be a cheeky fucker, your boyfriend's dad decided to set boundaries, and I can't blame him.

I hope he inspires you. My Mil is very generous but my sons would never take advantage. They are teens but have manners and are taught not to be entitled and rude. And I think my Mil is very generous with them because they are the way they are. She is very outspoken and would def tell her if they were being cheeky. I just don't get how parents do not educate their children.

Yep. No CF ever accepts they are a CF. It's always someone else's fault. Look inwards love.

Who the fek can afford to pay for everyone? Do you assume everyone older than you is rich? You are also a CF.

I agree with this. You were in the wrong to not offer to cover your boys meals / check first if they could come along, however your partners father did not handle it very well at all and has caused unnecessary embarrassment. I can understand why you’re upset OP. I think your partner needs to have a chat with his dad. I can understand why you are taking it as a rejection of your children but I’m sure it wasn’t meant in that way. Maybe he was just making a clumsy point that you turned up expecting them to be paid for.

It’s a bit extreme of you to say you never want to see him again - I’m sure this can get sorted.

however your partners father did not handle it very well at all and has caused unnecessary embarrassment.

Should he just have paid for teens he didn't invite? This is on their parent including any embarrassment. She didn't even ask! Assuming rarely ends well.

People are calling her teenage sons uninvited guests because thats exactly what they were.
Op doesn't live with her boyfriend, it was a family meal that op was only invited as a plus one and then chose to bring her teenagers aswell without asking if it was OK or whether the restaurant could accommodate them too.
The thing that you don't seem to under is the op is not this mans family shes just his sons girlfriend who he doesn't live with and has zero intention of marrying and as such her teenagers arent family so weren't invited

@Rhaidimiddim

He's known the OP for a fair amount of time (a couple of years) but I don't get the impression that he knows her sons on a similar level. It sounds to me like there isn't really a relationship between the father and OP's sons (and there doesn't need to be) - they just happen to be the children of his son's partner. OP said the family has been polite when they've met them, but to me that suggests they've only met them a handful of times and that any connection is very superficial/distant.

If he doesn't know them well and there isn't any relationship between them, I don't think he is obliged to invite the sons along.

That he doesn't indicates that he doesn't now, and never will, see them as part of his son's family

I think it indicates that he doesn't see the sons as part of his own family. And he doesn't need to. He can accept that they are now his son's family without viewing them as family himself. The same way I recognise that my sister's brothers and sisters-in-law are part of her extended family - but they are not my family.

God I think everyone has behaved badly here. You were very entitled taking them along and expecting them to be paid for. We have this dynamic in my family and it annoys me (it’s my dad who is generous and gets taken advantage of IMO)- poor of you. But he should have been more graceful about it. Even paying this time but having a word with his son. It’s quite cowardly behaviour IMO. You obviously really annoyed him. I would suck it up and apologise. Brush it off with your kids. They’re only upset because you are. You need to play it down with them.

I can afford to pay for everyone and would happily . . . just because you can't, it doesn't mean I shouldn't 🙄

And you are very rude with an inappropriate behaviour issue . . .

I doubt he meant it as a snub. Probably just figured as they’re your kids and he wasn’t expecting them, you’d naturally pay. This is not worth shunning the man for. Now you that if you bring your kids, you’ll be paying for them. Not unreasonable.

So neither you or you sons thanked your boyfriend's dad for the meals you assumed were paid for - had you or they done that, he would have had the chance to let you know they weren't covered..

I had a friend like you OP, always organically coming out for drinks but never consciously paying.

She's an ex friend now.

You should have offered to pay. The fact that you're considering not seeing the father when he did nothing wrong, shows you did expect him to pay.

What if he organically forgot to pay for your sons?

Maybe there's a deeper problem with this situation where FIL always pays. 7 adults and 6 children (some of which are teens) is going to be an expensive meal. Does no one else ever offer to pay, even if he wouldn't accept such an offer? Maybe he feels taken for granted already and OP bringing two extra people without mentioning it tipped him over the edge.

No he shouldn’t have had to cover the meals but he could have handled it differently in a way that didn’t upset the boys and cause embarrassment e.g discreetly speak to his son? I don’t think what he did was very kind, even if the OP was in the wrong.

For those saying FIL should have said something, surely OP would also have felt embarrassed if he had paid the bill then returned and said to her and his son that he had paid at the till, but could they transfer £50 to cover the boys meals as he wasn't expecting extras.
I bet OP would also have said this was rude and wouldn't want to see him again.

Gosh. How awful OP. Your father in law was rude. He should’ve had a word with his son after if he had an issue but I have to say I find this is more common in English culture. I genuinely do not know other cultures that would behave like this. They would be mortified. There is a meanness about the English in situations like this as evidenced by the number of posts here.