Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

as long as I have money, I’m happy to pay for anyone, whether I know them or not, and I don’t expect anything in return.

Where did I say “anything and everything”? If I have enough money to buy someone a house, no, I wouldn’t be buying them one. I thought it was obvious, given the subject of this thread, that I was referring to food and drinks in a group setting. Pardon me, for assuming that you’d figure that out.

They ARE NOT family. He has no obligation towards her kids. She is his son's partner, that's why she was invited as her son's partner. The kids were not invited but were imposed by OP. What was he supposed to say when OP showed up with 2 kids without checking with them in advance, go home? Good for him, entitled much! If someone would intrude like this in my family meal I would not be happy.

@Wilfulignoranceabounds Well thats what I meant too. Youd buy anyone and everyone anything they wanted food and drink wise. And anyone who wouldn't is 'tight'. What utter nonsense. I dont believe you for a second. Literally noone would do that.

I’d apologise for making things awkward for him. You shouldn’t have brought them as they weren’t invited by the host, but given you did you should have made it clear you’d contribute to the bill at the outset. As a bare minimum a quick, ‘I hope you don’t mind, I’ve brought Bill and Fred. I’ll cover the cost of our meals, of course’.

I’ve done that all my working life. Key phrase, “If I have money”. My siblings are like that, too, I don’t see what’s so hard to believe. I’m not bankrupting myself.

I don't really think the blame is on you at all. It's your partner's family, he should have informed them they were coming, and checked with his dad regarding splitting the bill.

His dad could have said something too.

That said, I wouldn't have made a big deal out of it. Mistakes happens, move on. I'm pretty sure the waiter didn't think you were trying to dine and dash, he probably just thought you had forgotten (which happens a lot with split bills).

Everyone here is making the situation way more awkward and complicated than it needs to be

So desperate for company that they’re willing to avail themselves to cheeky fuckers in order to get it.

I imagine that someone in that position would struggle to discern whether those benefiting are spending time with them because of genuine affection, or because of what they can get out of it.

I think you were all a bit rude tbh.

I can see why you took them if they were with you, but I would have made sure I moved early to make it clear you would cover their costs.

However, I think the act of asking for their meals to be removed from the bill and then paying for everyone else was pretty unbelievable.

It was at the end of the meal when he went to pay it was fairly chaotic with the older ones getting up to walk and fuss over the little one

And that made you completely forget when you're in a restaurant you have to...you know ..pay for your food? Ok 🙄

This reminds me of when I was in a similar situation but in OP’s partners father’s position.

I was taking my sister out for her 21st birthday for a fancy meal, I had saved money for a few months to be able to afford it and she knew I wasn’t very well off but wanted to treat her.

She turned up with her boyfriend who was 8 years older than her and for some unknown reason he decided to bring his 8 year old daughter- both completely uninvited.

It was really awkward because it was an evening meal in a fancy restaurant that wasn’t really suitable for young children with no children’s menu and I was really pissed off when I had just wanted to spend time celebrating with my sister. I’d ordered champagne as a special treat and her boyfriend drank most of the bottle.

My sister knew I was paying for her but I didn’t think for a second her adult boyfriend would expect me to pay for him - let alone for his daughter.
He ordered 3 expensive courses and a few beers and his daughter had a meal but didn’t like it so ordered a second one and had a pudding.
I hardly had a chance to talk to my sister because her boyfriend’s DD wittered on all through the meal and interrupted loudly if we tried to change the subject. I was really pissed off that I’d worked extra hours to pay for it and was so disappointed because my Dsis looked embarrassed and fed up as well.

When the bill came I worked out how much I owed for me and my Dsis then asked her boyfriend how he was paying. He said he had no money at all and had come along as my Dsis had said I was paying! His bill was about £80 (this was 20 years ago!) and I didn’t have the money to pay.

In the end he had to phone his mum to get her to cover his share and was very vocal about how unfair it was and how he expected me to pay him back.
My Dsis just sat looking like she wanted the ground to swallow her up and said she didn’t realise he thought I’d pay for him especially when he was ordering so much and brought his daughter!

I’d like to say it made her see what he was like and dump him but she went on to marry the CF’er and he’s still the same.
My parents have paid for him so many times over the years and he sits and expects it, I don’t think he’s ever bought any of us a drink.

He would 100% use the defence he “didn’t think” if he had to explain why he didn’t offer to pay for himself or his DD.
That’s what CF’ers are like - because they expect it.

I think OP is right to be embarrassed and should offer an apology and so it doesn’t look like she was taking her DP’s father’s generosity for granted. She doesn’t know if he was trying to show her up or had just assumed she would be paying for her kids herself so had asked for a separate bill for them to start with.
There is no point creating a rift or drama over something that could be solved with a simple apology and it would be ridiculous to never spend time with the family again and blame them for something that was completely her fault.

Perhaps he assumed you were paying for your own kids meals? Rather than it being deliberate (although it does seem a deliberate thing tbh). I really wouldn't fall out with him over this, it will cause a rift in the family when you could just make a simple apology & move on. You really should have paid, or offered to pay at least, but just move past it now.

He must have asked for their meals to be taken off the bill.

I can see why he might have privately harrumphed and sighed, but in the circumstances I cannot imagine actually doing that, no matter how much I would rather not pay for them.

however, i do think OP ought to have addressed it before or at the beginning of the meal. At the very least, she ought to have watched for him going up to pay and followed to sort it.

Look you've said something daft, and now you are doubling down on it. We've all said things to try and labour a point. Its not true what you are saying, it cant be true, and no one is going to believe you - and now your siblings - are this daft. Come on.

Mean spirited?? The man treats his family including his son’s girlfriend to a meal. How is that mean spirited? why should he pay for even more people? Would you really be okay for someone to take the piss out of your generosity in his position?

The bare faced CFery on this thread (not just the OP) is astounding.

The OP’s sons are teens anyway so I would hope they wouldn’t expect gifts from him.

This reminds me of something in my life. Im very close to my nieces, but one is particularly 'grabby' shall we say. The others absolutely are not. Im very generous and treat them a lot. This particular niece was getting quite entitled so I have reigned it right back with her. The others offer to pay their way, never just rock up with their boyfriends etc. This one never puts her hand in her pocket, and regularly turns up with her boyfriend and they both sit there when its their round (they are adults). Its so cringe. They would let you buy them things forever. No way Im putting up with that.

Her sister on the other hand was round my place on my birthday with gifts and choccies and offering to take me out for lunch bless her. I never let her put her hand in her pocket with me.

I think his actions are actually quite admirable.

Better to do it then than pay for it and be pissed off after. He showed the OP up for the CF she was.

If he had paid but been pissed off, then what message would that have sent? That anyone can just invite other people along and expect him to pay?

I don’t think cutting him off is the worst thing though because he can go back to treating those he chooses

Well I'll bet your partner's father 'could not' do what you did, which is either: assume someone else will be happy to pay for his children's meals without even asking; or, leave a restaurant without paying for two meals.

I don't really think any of them were admirable. The whole thing just sounds awkward.

I haven’t said anything that isn’t true…or that I haven’t done. But thanks anyway. You’ve reminded of how small-minded, ungenerous, miserable and miserly people can be on here. Just because you wouldn’t do something generous, anybody who says that they do must be lying. Okay. Well, God knows I’ve spent too long arguing the toss on this forum. I’m out… and, for that, I thank you.

Really really cheeky of you to bring them without asking and then not offer to pay. I'm impressed he made a point of it and set a precedent. You should of text in advance and ask if they could come and insist you would pay for them. I can't believe this isn't the first thing you thought of. To be honest though being as they weren't invited and you know the Dad always pays you should of stayed home with them and let your partner go to his family meal. The Dad wasn't happy with them just coming along clearly and I understand that. You've let your sons and your partner down. You just need to take it on the chin and never seem grabby again.

When he invited his son, so before the evening began. He and his son should have agreed who was invited and who wasn't, who Dad was paying for, who he didn't want to pay for.

So I agree with you, the men who were talking to each other about the event should have had this sorted.

I cant imagine his father would want to see you again either, what an awful situation to put him in. Show up with two extra people and just assume he would pay for them. Thats a level of entitlement most people would take issue with. Im also not sure that restaurants accept 'oh I just didnt think Id have to pay' as an excuse for not paying. Id say what he did reflected how annoyed he was. Id also guess that both your partners parents have fairly dim view of you now. Might make the relationship quite tricky moving forwards.

I agree.

If a guy invited me for a meal out and then bought his kids along I would be secretly really annoyed.

If he then expected me to pay for him and his kids, I’d be massively pissed off.

I think the grandad probably thought it was rude to bring additional guests to his meal but was kind enough to overlook it and treat them all with kindness.
But that doesn’t mean he should be taken for a mug and pay for it.

He probably assumed that he wouldn’t be expected to pay for her kids anyway.
I know I wouldn’t even think about paying for kids whose dad I was dating, let alone paying for his grandchildren or their friends etc.

I often end up paying for my DGC friends when they bring them along to meals. I do think what a cheek but I’d never do that to them. I quite admire his boundaries.