Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

Them being paid for with my hand on heart, I never gave it a moment’s thought.

Not giving it a moment’s thought is the mistake you made.

Who did you think would be paying for them if you weren’t ?

You were so relaxed about it all that you must have assumed, albeit absent mindedly, that he was paying. Otherwise it wouldn’t have been such a shock to you when you were faced suddenly with the fact that he hadn’t.

If you had thought about it, what would you have done differently OP?

There was no obligation on him to pay for your two dc whatsoever
You sort of half admit that
And yet you never want to see him again ?

My advice would be to accept that the bill is now paid, and to swallow your embarrassment about it all and put it firmly behind you. It was simply a mistake and I’m sure you will never let ot happen again. Next time you see him, greet him nicely, smile and act normally.
Please don’t let it make things awkward. It’s just not worth it.

Your not a blended or step family if you don’t even live together 😂😂

as long as I have money, I’m happy to pay for anyone, whether I know them or not, and I don’t expect anything in return.

What an absolute load of crap. As if!

That really shouldn't have been necessary. It was cheeky of OP to take them along uninvited in the first place without checking. And downright bad manners to expect them to get a free meal without even offering to pay.

OP whether or not you say you forgot.. it looks like you did this on purpose and you should be apologising to your DPs father.

I think his father should have spoken to your DP privately and made it clear that he wasn’t intending to pay for their meal. The way he approached this makes me think that he was really annoyed as it’s quite a statement and I think your DP should talk to him about it, probably apologise, and see if he can smooth it over.

Hmmm I think the dad should have had a word with his son (the OP’s DP) and said that he hadn’t paid for the sons’ meals. The way he did it meant the kids were humiliated and it’s not their fault. That is really nasty behaviour actually and would have been so easily prevented.

However I can’t imagine being in the OP’s situation and not getting my DP to check it’s okay for my kids to come and insist on paying for their meals.

I do hate the tendency on Mumsnet to say it’s totally fine to treat stepkids (actual or de facto - who cares) as less than because “they’re not family”. It makes the kids feel like shit and it hurts nobody to be inclusive. I’m not talking about paying for their meals necessarily but things like asking them to get out of photos and getting the bio children treats but not the stepkids. Some people just aren’t very nice.

Right ok.... so despite they are blending next year, what if they decided to each keep their own homes? They are still a family unit.

😂Did you miss the “projection” bit? It’s just money. Just say you’re tight.

The son should have squared it with his dad first and offered to pay.

The Dad (supposedly older and wiser) could have solved the problem by just telling his son quietly there and then. It's a matter of communication.
Instead, he did it in a nasty way.

No they’re not?

That's called "no boundaries" to me.

He did plenty wrong. If he didn't want his son's partner there, he should have told his son that. If he didn't want his son's parnter's children there, he should have said that. If he didn't mind them being there but didn't want to pay for them, he should have made that clear to his son

But he preferred instead to play generous Big Daddy in front of his family, then embarass the OP and her children. With a gesture that is making it very clear that they are not family, and one that has poisoned the relationship between him and his son's family.

So now OP and her DCs will be very reluctant to be around the miserable git.

He did not handle this situation well at all. But at least the OP knows that, from now on, she has to protect her DCs from this petty man.

Yeah, the living together/not living together is unimportant imo. Families come in many forms. Also the excessive focus on marriage and cohabiting on here (claiming it’s not a real partnership unless you live together) means that people often feel pressured to take these steps. A lot of people on here say that it’s unfair on kids to cohabit with a partner and why can’t you live separately? But then if you do, you find your relationship being belittled and ridiculed and told you can’t even call your partner a partner. Why don’t we accept that relationships can be just as committed even if people don’t live within the same four walls every night?

Yes. I agree with this. As the older parent in this scenario I would have included all - but had a word with son if it was not possible going forward.

Absolutely. But the right person to have that conversation was DP, and as he is presumably a competent adult capable of thinking through the consequences of actions on relationships he was quite capable of saying to his parents "Hey mum and dad, would love to come to lunch. Now I'm this serious with @Puplunchcrasher I consider her and her kids to be family now and as the kids are with us this weekend I want to bring them too is that ok?" - at which point dad could say "no" (in which case OP&DP might choose not to go) or could say "fine but you have to pay for them" and that would be fine. Totally not OP's job to think through how to have that conversation or do the emotional labour of managing that call. Very much her DP's job to do that, and it would be totally inappropriate for her to ask directly, the request should have come from her DP to make it clear that including the kids was his request, not OP's.

I'm presuming your username name is meant to be 'publunchcrasher' which implies that you know what you have done, it was part of your plan for free food and drinks for you AND your kids.. possibly saying a throwaway coment to them like 'oh don't worry, father in law will pay, order whatever you want, he's got plenty of money, I always order what I want and haven't paid once!' tinkly laugh

I think not wanting to see him again is overly dramatic and may damage your relationship with DP.
You being so dramatic won't be helping your DS's feelings.

I can see how this happened, OP.

You and DP see it as a happy families situation. You're looking towards him moving in and already thinking of yourselves as a family unit. DC have met DP's parents before and you assume they are in the same place as you in terms of viewing you as a blended family.

But they don't. They will see far, far less of DC than you and DP do. They've had a few of these lunches where you've come along but not DC. They aren't really thinking about how you and DP are about to move in together. They've met your DC probably a handful of time, have no experience of the vast majority of their lives, have no real relationship with them, and weren't expecting them.

It was a misunderstanding. DP's father could have acted with more grace, at the very least telling you or DP that he wasn't paying for them. But ideally you would have thought about the fact this is not something you'd done before and checked with them. May have made them feel less like you were being entitled.

There's no point getting wound up about it. Take it in as a data point. You and DP should probably be aware they don't see you as family in any real way. Even if DP talks to them, they may act in a friendlier manner, but they won't be thinking it (and the point I made about your DC having no real relationship with them is only one of the reasons). They will always treat DP's DC differently from yours.

Side note, the image of a grandad shaking his grandsons hands is odd.

My grandad hugged and kissed all his until he passed and they were nearly 30!

If this was the first time this happened I think he was setting his boundary as he didn’t want it to become the norm. Just because you didn’t do it, doesn’t mean other people wouldn’t or shouldn’t. He may have assumed you’ll at least ask for a bill at the end before you leave and the sense wouldn’t have happened.

I don't suppose he would have done it after he passed or am I missing something?

Im tight because I wouldn't pay for anyone and everyone for anything and everything without a thought?

Give over. Literally no-one does that. You are talking cobblers and embarrassing yourself.

I would wonder if DPs dad would prefer if OPs kids didn't attend? Or maybe DPs son would prefer they didn't? Maybe this is the only time DPs dad gets to see his children and grandchildren.

I had step parents but I knew they and their families didn't feel the same way about me as they did their actual children/grandchildren/neices, and I never expected or wanted them to. The awkwardness came from a parent pushing them to treat me the same and someone being resistant, and me being in the middle. I had my own family and was quite happy with that.

@Rhaidimiddim if he didn’t want his son’s partner’s children there, he should have said that

At what point in the evening would it have been ok for him to say this ? Really?

If OP or her partner had flagged up in advance, then the sons could have been invited, generously included in the party or with OP or OP’s partner paying for them.

The whole thing would have been avoided if anyone had mentioned the OPs sons before actually turning up to the event.

im really struggling to understand why this isn’t obvious or anyone that an invitation is specific not a general ‘hey we are going out for a meal, come yourself, bring anyone you would like to include …

No need to tell us who is coming …. ‘