Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

To be honest, in your boyfriend's father's position I wouldn't mind paying for 2 more meals. But I'd be really quite fucked off by the presumption of it. He hasn't rejected your children, he's rejected your entitled attitude.

You brought additional people to a meal hosted and paid for by someone else.
You didn't offer an explanation.
You didn't offer to pay for your additional guests.
You don't remember whether you're polite enough to say thank you, which suggests you probably aren't.

How you can't see that the only person truly at fault here is you is beyond me.

You did well to be able to understand enough to make a reply to it all all.

I read it twice, got some Goddess Vibes but couldn't make head nor tail of it.

How was it rude and shit of him to not pay?

Do you expect your parents to pay for you and your DCs whenever you go out?

Maybe if you can’t afford to go out to eat then stay home and stop expecting others to pick up your bill.

If that refers to ‘Whose menopause is it anyway’, don’t worry, I know OP made no such claim. Shame really, as clearly that might have swung the jury.

I don’t think the organic issue was that they went, I personally would have thought that fine, it was that you didn’t think to say ‘oh hold on I’ll pay for the kids’ but I get being embarrassed but your dp definitely shouldn’t talk to his dad!!!

If the waiter chased after OP's son for the bill it surely means that when 'FIL' when to pay, he not only asked for 2 meals to be taken off, but specifically pointed out who he was not paying for.

Nasty irrespective of OP's thoughtlessness

Again, this!

All these posters outraged at the rejection, saying they would never have anything to do with this man again - GOOD! If someone my child was dating turned up at a family event as their plus one, bringing their children, who I had only met a couple of times, and expected me to foot the bill, because "they are faaaaaamily" I would want their grabbing, entitled arses to say well away from me.

Dating someone doesn't make you their family. And it doesn't make you family to THEIR family!

For all we know, this may not be the first time OP has been entitled or presumed on a relationship that doesn't exist. Her boyfriend's Dad may have just lost his rag with it all. I know I would have. I am a pretty generous person but it makes me angry when my generosity is presumed. Not even to thank the man, FFS!

So you were thoughtless, know you were in the wrong but now sulking and saying you dont want to see the father again. Why not just apologise, say you didnt think, you didnt expect him to pay just thought he had and didnt want to make a fuss so said thank you. End of issue.

This, exactly this wot@PigeonsAmongstTheCats said.

It’s very indicative of OPs personality in real life.

Gosh how entitled of you! They're not his family and it was really rude to bring them without asking if it was ok. As for FIL paying for them; why on earth would he?
You saying you don't want to see him again is incredibly immature. Your DP must be so embarrassed by your behaviour.

I think the fact that you "didn't even think", about payment for your teenagers shows that you're entitled and a CF.

It would be the first thing I'd have thought of when bringing them along.

Your DP's father did nothing wrong, you on the other hand are the reason why your eldest is upset. But I do think it's a bit dramatic for you & your son to be embarrassed and upset over being given a bill, I mean, really?

As for not wanting to see your DP's father again, please, this is so over the top and dramatic. Wise up.

That’s fine for that to be your approach. But that doesn’t make it less rude.

You just rocked up with your kids and didn’t give a single thought, whether there’d be enough spaces, whether everyone would feel comfortable, who would pay. Are you really that entitled and absent minded that it didn’t even cross your mind?

These are normal considerations and I think you just need to accept that your view is the minority and that you messed up.

This is on you as the parent.

Oh fek off, this poor bloke is not only paying for his grifting family, but a whole lot of hangers on. Adults pay for themselves and their own kids. They don't go on the take.

I can see how you might forget in the moment, but surely a discussion with your partner before hand, and HE should have talked to his father.

Forgetting is.. silly, thoughtless, rude even.

But intentionally not paying AND not letting you know either directly or via your partner, and leaving so that you may well end up embarrassed, to make a point... that is pretty shitty.

There is a big difference between chaotic forgetful rudeness and intentional rudeness.

Yes the 2 uninvited guests weren't paid for.
If you invite yourself or your teenagers to a restaurant meal with no prior notice then you can't expect the host to pay for them.
I wonder what op would have done or said if the restaurant couldn't accommodate her extra uninvited (or booked for) guests

Well most of the posters here could not have done what you did, so I guess that makes you and your boyfriend’s father even?

In what other situation would someone be invited to a family meal of not their family and take along others not actually invited then think the host was rude. Let’s be serious.

@Puplunchcrasher

Have you revised your attitude, in the light of most of these replies?

You created the awkwardness out of thin air by assuming the father would pay, which is actually incredibly rude and presumptuous.
It sounds like your sons were welcomed and everyone had a nice time but if they weren’t invited, it is pretty outrageous to expect them to be covered..!

Im not sure how you can claim to not have consciously expected someone to pay for them but than be upset amd embarrassed when they don't

Oh come on. Do you really think FIL made a careful note of who had what? Or more likely that they all had Sunday lunch from a fixed price type menu?

And do you think it's more likely that the waiter deliberately targetted OP's eldest son or simply that the family group left together and that he was the nearest person for the waiter to speak to? OP describes her children as mid-teens so it's also likely her oldest was old enough to be mistaken as an adult.

Only? People get married and have children in less time.

So because they are choosing not to marry, the ops sons will always be non existent?

You didn't give it a moment's thought ? Do you usually walk out without checking the bill is paid ? You are in the wrong here. And as for saying that you couldn't do what DP father did - what did he do except not paying for two extra uninvited guests . Your kids being embarrassed is your fault .They just went along with you .I am sure they don't care about being accepted in the family . They are teenagers and have their own father's family. Not their problem.
No need for anyone to talk to his father . You'll know the next time won't you ?

I think your boyfriend’s dad sounds really generous, but also wise to piss takers. I think taking your children was ok, but you probably should have just sent a message first saying they were coming as was that ok- no one was ever going to say no.

You should have said to you BF father when you arrived, I know you usually get the bill, but as I’ve bought my two children can you please make sure I have my own bill. At which point he probably would have said not to bother, what he’s put his foot down on is the presumption.