Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

There are obviously two totally different types of relationships that people have with parents here. My parents always pay on family days out. Two final salary DB pensions and no mortgage. They are totally minted. They would be really insulted if someone tried to pay, and yeh they wouldn’t care if I brought my other half of two years cause they’re kind, friendly, generous people who love having extra people along as they’re charismatic and enjoy meeting new people. My in laws are exactly the same.

I imagine other people have different sorts of relationships with their parents. There is no way my parents would single anyone out that they weren’t paying for. They’d find it an incredibly rude thing to do. Which - if you can afford it - it is.

You brought along 2 extra people and expected his dad to pay?? If they are teens they aren't eating the £10 for 2 courses set kids meal are they, they are having an adult meal, several courses like the other adults. I imagine their meals and drinks were easily £50+ if it was a nice pub. You were very presumptuous to expect him to pay for 2 people he didn't invite and barely knows, it was on you that you embarrassed yourself by leaving without paying. His dad has done nothing wrong here.

I actually hope this thread gets picked up by the DM. For OP’s IL’s to see that not only was she a CF, she actually thinks FIL was in the wrong and she’s intending on cutting him off. Terms I suspect, he will be absolutely fine with.

As someone who is older it absolutely was a one sided giving from my husband's family and a one sided receiving from us. And now that my own children are grown up it is my turn for the family giving and I can see it . It is quite different from a recripocal friendship but an important way of supporting and strengthening the family relationships which can be priceless and last a lifetime .

The thing that I would say is that if your relationship with your partner continues and goes well the power will all become yours as his father becomes older and your family goes on . And your partner can have the pleasure of seeing his father on his own while you make a polite and gracious excuse .

I married the most wonderful man but his parents who I loved dearly were beside themselves that I would never be upset because of the power I had in the family and the importance of what I was able to do emotionally and practically to strengthen and help the family . I loved them and did everything I could to support them and facilitate his supporting them as well. It was priceless .

Your partner's father has made an extremely stupid and short sighted mistake on this occasion .For the sake of saving £ 50

I fully embrace having a reputation of being tighter than a ducks arse when it means repelling people with this mentality.

‘It’s just money’ - then what was the problem with OP paying for her kids?

OP, given that you “assume” that you said “thank you”, you’ve done yourself no favours by saying that you can’t remember if you said it or not, because people have taken that and ran with it.

You dont live together & arent married. You aren't a blended family. You were invited as the host's sons girlfriend, that didnt include your teenagers, who are old enough to just stay home. Im pretty surprised you took them & of course you needed to pay for them yourself.

Op and her partner are not married and don’t intend to be. She holds no “power” in her partner’s family 😳
This man doesn’t owe her kids 50 quid.

This is even weirder than bringing the children uninvited in the first place. You just assumed they would be paid for because why? This man doesn't suffer CF, clearly. YABU.

If you brought them unexpectedly you should have chucked some cash at FIL at the end for their meals.
I once arranged a birthday meal for a family member and two members of the family that I’d never met before turned up, having been invited by another family member. Whilst it was lovely for my relative to have them there and for me to meet them (after not really knowing that they existed!) They did not offer to pay for their meals and it still irks me! Just impolite imo.

I’d rather be £50 up and without whatever saccharine nonsense this is.

Wow some very unpleasant judgy people on here! I can totally see how it unfolded and I couldn’t easily have done the same. Yes you should have offered to pay for your meals but equally if I was the FIL I’d have had a quick word with your partner to either set the expectation or let him know he hadn’t paid for you so still needed bill settled. Personally if I was FIL I would have paid anyway and then told your partner happy to pay on that occasion but not happy for it to be a ‘thing’ going forward if that’s how I felt and I thought you expected him to pay. Yours was a slip whereas his seems more on purpose BUT he may equally have assumed you’d pay and therefore not expected any embarrassment or realise there was an issues as a result. So give him benefit of the doubt and ignore the judgy people!

Honestly I think it’s awkward AF and shows what he really thinks. If I was grandfather I’d have paid and chatted to son quietly about it later. But he went out of his way to take them off the bill and not mention.
Yes should have asked, shouldn’t have assumed etc etc. Still, very unwelcoming behaviour.

I’d maybe follow up with a thanks and an apology for springing extra children and see if the non payment/true feeling is mentioned? (Assuming you want to go forward with a relationship with this family?)

25 pages of replies
900 people saying UABU

Yet you say if you thought you'd been a CF you'd have not come on here!
Then you add that you couldn't do what the father did!

Maybe he could say the same about you - he can't believe what you did.

You're doubling down.... read the room - maybe you should have done that at the dinner too. It's amazing that 25 pages and 900 people haven't made you pause for thought on this one. Un-bel-iev-able.

I think that it was up to your partner to have sorted this out beforehand, he should have checked it was ok to bring two extra people and discussed who would pay.

In your position I would have checked that he’d done this, and it would be on my mind to sort out the payment issue if he hadn’t. I can see how it was easy to get caught up with the social side of it, though, and not remember or think about it.

His Dad probably just felt a bit taken for granted at the point of paying, but I couldn’t have done what he did despite not being consulted on extra numbers first, it was a bit mean.

Disagree - at the very least, it was 50/50.

OP and her partner went to this meal together - her partner could have said 'I don't think dad would want an extra two coming along with no warning' - he didn't say anything so presumably he thought his dad would be comfortable with it.

He could also have raised the question about who was paying, it doesn't seem to have occurred to him any more than it did the OP.

Arguably the partner was in a better position to foresee how his dad would react and also to broach the question of the bill.

As stated upthread, I think the dad is mainly at fault here for his passive-aggressive handling of the situation, but the remainder of the responsibility for this situation does not lie with the OP alone or even primarily.

I don’t think FIL did anything wrong, he was polite to the boys. I imagine he was surprised to see them there and didn’t make a fuss. He shook or tried to shake their hands etc.
The OP or her DP should have asked beforehand if the boys could go and then said obviously they would pay for the teen’s meals.

I'm with you Op. It's very ungenerous, and irrespective of whether you received a direct invite or not, I would have paid for everyone. To not do so says more about FiL manners than anything about you. It doesn't exactly spell welcome to the family does it . . ..

Clearly a point was being made and a line drawn. I would accept that point and not dwell on it.

Eh? Feck me, you've got a wild imagination!

Absolutely this! You’ve explained it better than me. The quietly paying for everyone except the two children was nasty in my opinion. Should have taken it up with his son.

Most sensible post on the thread.

Surely what should have happened was when he went up to pay you go with him and say “i’ll get my boys”.He may of then said don’t worry.But no you sat back and let him pay .Good on the old man and you embarrassed you’re kids no one else.

I can’t believe you and your DP sat there whilst the bill was being paid and didn’t say anything. Or that you didn’t mention from the off, “look we’ve brought the boys to get to know the family a bit more, I will pay for their meals separately”. Probably at that point your FIL would’ve told you not to worry about it and he will settle it. You’ve clearly pissed him off with your expectation that he would pay without even a thank you.

You should ring your FIL and apologise for your thoughtlessness.

I agree, I can’t believe you or your DP didn’t jump up as the meal was ending to pay for your DC.