Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

Well it would save the DP’s father some money so that’s all good. The man was taking his rellies out and ends up paying for his son’s girlfriend but why should he pay for the adult children of his son’s girlfriend?

It’s embarrassing. I only go to things I am expressly invited to and in that situation would always offer to pay.

It might be your FIL is less well off than the family thinks, and he had budgeted for £300, or whatever, and couldn't easily afford more? Or he worries that if he made, more people would bring extra diners next time, and he really can't afford it?

Look you can keep saying that you couldn't not pay for people but then you cant claim that you didn't expect your kids to be paid for as those two statements are polar opposites.
This whole mess was your fuck up. Your sons were not invited, are absolutely no relation to your partners dad, you don't even live together and the poor man has (by your own admission) only met them a couple of times and yet you decided to bring them without permission or giving a heads up and then didn't offer to pay or actually pay until after your son was prevented from leaving.
Oh and the fact that your partners father was polite and shook hands with your dc (as any normal person would) which happens to be how he greeted his grandsons doesn't mean he was ok with you turning up with two extra plus ones (you being a plus one yourself) or paying for them.
In future either get permission from the bill payers in advance or go pay at the same time as he does both would be best but either will prevent you from causing more issues in your partners family and embarrassing your son further.

If the situation was reversed then the OP would be advised to run for the hills. They aren’t even living together - she’s just the man’s son’s girlfriend. I couldn’t be doing with the drama of cutting the father off and slagging him off.

He was completely reasonable - all that happens if the OP refuses to see him is an awkward situation for her partner and a financial saving for his father.

Please don’t blame age/menopause as it’s insulting. People can just be CF.

I’d have asked if I could bring them and reiterate that I would be paying for their meal. No way would I assume someone else would pay.

I wonder if OP and her partner ever take his dad out for a meal and pay for him?
Or if this arrangement is entirely one sided.

I totally understand the feeling of rejection and I feel like it took effort on his part to separate the bill in that way rather than pay the whole whack. Feels really cruel to me!

I can’t see whether you have posted your sons’ ages but your younger one couldn’t even be arsed to follow what everyone else was doing.

Do you often go out without thinking of whether people are invited or who is paying?

The Father didn't really do anything wrong. The OP should have made it clear she would be paying for her children, especially as they were not invitied.

This.

Who else was going to pay OP?
At the end of a meal, the first thing I think of, is settling the bill!

Seriousness of your post aside - I read this in 3 different accents, with 3 different attitudes and added a word at the end. Love it 😀

“I just wasn’t thinking” is an excuse in your opinion and a statement of fact in mine. I’m at the stage of life where my memory isn’t serving me too well. At this point, I’m grateful to have not been arrested for shoplifting, the number of times I have walked out of shops without paying. Conversely, I’ve also paid lots of times and then gone home with my shopping left sat at the checkout. So, not thinking is something I can relate to. She said she assumes she said thank you, so why assume that she didn’t?

Well, if I am a CF, the world would be a nicer place if there were more of us because as long as I have money, I’m happy to pay for anyone, whether I know them or not, and I don’t expect anything in return. I’ve been like that since I started working. It’s just money… and in this case, not a lot of it. Anyone who calls bullshit on this is just projecting. Not everyone’s as tight as a duck’s arse.

This thread seems to have no shortage of the kind of people who sit and calculate who had what to eat and drink and whether or not it’s “fair” to split the bill equally, or whether they can just pay for what they had because they had only had one drink and didn’t have dessert. Absolutely HATE that kind of pettiness.

eh @EppingIsFun 😂?

Sorry what family gathering is improved by your son’s live-out gf turning up with her two uninvited teen boys? And then she doesn’t even pay for them?! And none of them say thanks.

Yes I can see why they aren’t keen to pretend these non-family members are family. I suspect he’s got OP’s number, tbh.

So you were either totally thoughtless or utterly grabby. They’re not his grandchildren. But more to the point, with you and your partner neither being married nor living together, they’re not even his step grandchildren either. I suspect he now has you down as a totally cheeky fucker and would be happy never to see you again.

If everyone behaved like DP F, CFery would be wiped out in a day.

The world would be a better place but Mumsnet slightly poorer, as CF threads are some of the most entertaining.

It's strange that at that point owing for the meals wasn't mentioned. Your boyfriend needs to speak to his Dad. Your children will nearly be adults when he moves in. His Dad has sent a clear message, so I wouldn't be planning Christmas with them, unless you accept that your children aren't their family. But ultimately it was cheeky to just assume he was paying, by you and your boyfriend. I think that you need discussions with your boyfriend before he moves in. Have you discussed until what age your boys can live with you both? Do they pull their weight? What financial contribution your boyfriend expects from them, once they are young adults.

I see exactly where you are coming from, OP and I am surprised others don't.

This has nothing to do with the money. You thought you were accepted as part of your partner's wider family, but his dad has made it clear you are not accepted, or not to the degree you thought you were.

The dad handled it badly - if he didn't want to pay that's fair enough but he could have said at the outset to you or your partner 'shall we get separate bills' or words to that effect, or failing that, when he paid for the others he could have sent the person straight over to you.

It reads to me as though he was passively aggressively making a point. I wouldn't want to go for any more meals with him, either.

I might perhaps erroneously have thought it OK to tag my sons along (given it's your partner's family and not random strangers), but I most certainly would've offered to pay for them. It wouldn't have crossed my mind that the father should or would pay.

But what you did do was rock up with 2 uninvited guests without first checking it was ok, then assumed your boyfriend’s father would pay for them. You didn’t make it clear you’d be paying. What is it you’re annoyed about - that he didn’t pay for your sons?

I agree. It wasn't OP's sons' fault and they wouldn't be the ones paying the bill but they were the ones that were humiliated.

OP was thoughtless not to even think about who would be paying for her and her two sons and I'm sure that her partner's dad thought that she was rude but he could have had a quiet word with his son and told him that he wouldn't be paying for OP's two sons.

Well, that’s one way of letting me know that you have poor comprehension skills. Cheers.

No, it wasn’t the son’s fault, but it was op’s. Of course it was.

It was very shit and rude of the partner's dad not to pay. But then again I wouldn't expect to shun my son's new family. He's got his own issues. I probably wouldn't go along myself next time.