Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

Would you have checked that it was OK to bring them beforehand? Or just turn up with them unexpectedly?

It wasn't her family lunch to invite them to. It is her boyfriend's father's family.

To all people who say the father was being petty/unkind:

Why do you assume the worst? Is it not equally as likely (if not more so) that he made the honest presumption that the OP was intending to pay for the meals herself?

Making an inaccurate assumption is an error of judgement but it's not petty or mean. Why not give the man the benefit of the doubt?

You see I think he was thinking far ahead. It’s a blatant message he’s sending to the OP saying ‘They’re not my family, and I’ll never treat them as such’.

I wouldn’t take your boys to any events involving your partner’s family going forward. They’ve made it clear.

Exactly.

He takes his immediate family out "evey few months". How does that suggest he "isn't short of a few bob"? He might save up in order to do it "every few months".

It doesn't mean he has a bottomless wallet and CF girlfriends of 2 years can just rock up with their 2 teenage lads and he's obliged to pay.

I'm glad to come from a family where the definitions are not so... rigid. People form relationships, and sometimes those relationships come with step children. People can obviously choose to draw a line, but that comes with consequences. It's a serious relationship, they are moving in together. No way would I deliberately ask for two teenagers to have their meals removed from the bill. I've never known such a thing happen in my extended family.

She said she can’t remember if she said thank you or not BUT she assumes that she did. Not considering the bill/not offering to pay does not necessarily signify that she is used to other people paying for her. It sounds to me that she’s not someone who makes a big deal about money full stop. Money is not on the forefront of everyone’s mind and the price of a couple of meals is not something to create bad feeling over, but it’s done now.

If you take your children to everything that you personally are invited to, regardless of whether they are invited are not, you will soon stop getting invited to things anyway.

Op are you this entitled in the rest of your life?

I have been with my partner for years. If we ever eat out with his relatives and they offer to pay, I ALWAYS offer to pay for me and my child and always will. I just can’t see how any reasonable person would expect their 2 kids paid for when uninvited.

equally, my dad loves a big family meal that he pays for and I wouldn’t take my partners kids without a heads up and stating we’d pay.

I don’t think you have to worry about seeing his dad again, you won’t be getting another invite.

Who is DP's partner's son and what was the reaction?

Why are you saying "you would never have done what the father did" and "you don't want to see him again"?
You acknowledge that you didn't give a moment's thought to who would pay for your sons' meals and that you are embarrassed that you didn't offer to pay. I think you are correct to assume that it was on you to pay for your sons. You are not living in a blended family, his father has been polite to your sons but given zero indication that he sees them as extra grandchildren. He was pleasant, jovial with them, shook their hands.

He just didn't pay for them. You were embarrassed because you assumed he had "without even thinking about it". But you could afford to pay and did pay. It's not that big a deal. Your reaction to it is making it a bigger thing than it needs to be and your sons are upset. Just chalk it up "oops, how embarrassing of me, of course I should have paid, can't believe I just walked out, poor waiter having to run after me".

Totally agree

He’s not tight because he won’t allow himself to be taken advantage of by someone who thinks that because he can afford it, then he should be the one paying.

In this situation i could afford to pay, and I might happily offer to pay, but I sure as shit wouldn’t go along with someone just assuming that it’s on me to pay for their uninvited guests.

Fuck me OP, I wouldn't let this person pay for me let alone my kids. Your DP and his family sound like a bunch of scroungers. Imagine adults expecting other people to pay for them 🤢

Oh gawd, please don’t blame female hormones for what is clearly bone-deep bad manners.
Had her head been so terribly adrift and she so ‘forgivably female’ (hmm), then far from carrying on normally from soup to nuts throughout the entire meal, she’d have turned up in her pyjamas having forgotten one son at a service station restroom en route!

She and her sons ate and drank without any hilarious menopausal forgetfulness dramas (such as wondering what ‘cod with chips’ might mean) until that moment when CFs typically nip to the loo to wait out the payment moment.
And still she managed to sit there and woodenly not register that it was her cue to leap up and intercept the pater familias and make it clear she was covering their lunch.

I kind of agree with others. You should have offered to pay or your partner should have. But I can kind of understand why you’re upset too.

I wouldn’t be going without them. They’d be welcome to uninvite me if my children aren’t welcome, I wouldn’t want to go!

If you accept you were in the wrong-and you seem to-why are you going to punish your partner's dad by saying you will never see him again.

You must stop your partner from saying anything at all to his dad and you should not change the way you have been at these lunches or refuse to go.

If your partner does speak to his dad, the whole incident will be around the family like a dose of salts and most of them will think badly of you. They will say you are a freeloader, a cheeky grabber, ignorant and at best, thoughtless.

Your partner will have to decide if he is going to take your side and boycott lunches. He may decide to boycott you.

I wouldn't draw any more attention to it.

Laugh it off to your son, by saying you just forgot to pay and good job, he didn't have to wash up.

I agree with this. I think OP is getting a hard time. Yes she was in the wrong but DPs Dad shouldn’t have just left without saying anything.

Now you are saying you don't want to see the gentleman again.
How will that work? You mentioned that you and your 'partner' (dreadful word) will be living together next year. Now if I were moving in with my love, I would assume it be for life.
So you are not going to see the Father ever again?
Good luck with that.

Leaving aside the specific incident here, he has known the OP and her sons for long enough that he should be inviting them along by now. Why doesn't he? That he doesn't indicates that he doesn't now, and never will, see them as part of his son's family.

He is the kind of mean-spirited family man who would put on a show of giving his natural GCs decent Christmas presents but make a petty point of giving OP's sons a box of Celebrations.

But he’s not the OP’s father in law and she has said that she never intends to marry her boyfriend, so he never will be. Why should he be expected to pay probably at least an extra £50 for two children who he didn’t invite and who aren’t part of his family?

Do you often not pay or at least offer to pay for your food?
It’s really odd that you are cross at your DP’s Father.

but if you "genuinely didn't think" first about inviting extra people without checking with the organiser, and then about who was paying for your family's THREE meals, that is in itself unreasonable!

The default whenever anyone goes out for a meal is to assume you will be paying for yourself, surely. So if you've got to a point where you have become so used to someone else covering you that you "genuinely don't even think" about offering to pay for yourself, you're already being unreasonable, before you even add on the two additional meals.

tbh even if the norm is DP's dad paying for YOUR meal every single time you go out, I would STILL be offering to pay for myself even if it was the 100th time. And then if he paid, would have been very grateful and expressed my thanks appropriately. Whereas if you can't even remember if you said thanks or not it sounds like it was a token acknowledgement, if that.

Presumably given you've only been together 2 years and you only go out every few months, you haven't gone to these family meals that often. Perhaps his dad was willing to pay for you for the first one or two but is thinking 'FFS is she ever going to offer to shell out?' Then adding 2 additional people was insult to injury.

YABVU - you should absolutely be ashamed/annoyed, but at yourself, not the dad, who has been very generous in paying for your meal multiple times.

Well, that's rather on the OP's partner, isn't it? Tell his dad to shape up or lose out.