Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

@Wilfulignoranceabounds

The father was probably making the assumption that the OP was planning to pay for her sons' meals. That would be my assumption too.

@MCF86

He might have thought he didn't need to say anything. He may well have assumed that the OP was coming with the intention of paying for her sons' meals herself.

By not considering the bill? By not offering to pay?
She didn't even thank him for buying her lunch, let alone (wrongly) thank him for paying for her children.
As she said, she didn't give it any thought.

@Cascadia

It seems a little unfair to think the worst and conclude that the father did this with malicious intent.

He might just have sincerely assumed that the OP was planning to foot the bill for her sons. He might never have predicted that there would be any sort of issue.

Perhaps this kind of thing spells out why clear communication as to intent/expectations is needed. We all make assumptions - I make plenty - in good faith. Unfortunately, in this case, it led to am embarrassing situation.

She wasn't thinking....

She wasn't thinking of the cost of her son's food when she invited them to come to something they were not invited to.
She wasn't thinking when her sons turned up to a restaurant where nobody expected to see them
She wasn't thinking when they were ordering from the adults menu.
She wasn't thinking when the plates were cleared and everyone was finished eating.
She wasn't thinking when the dad got up to pay.
She wasn't thinking when the father left with his daughter.
She wasn't thinking when she stayed behind for a drink and then her partner got up to pay for those.
She wasn't thinking when she went to leave...
She wasn't thinking when she "presumes" she said thank you. That one actually sent me...

Noooo she wasn't thinking because it was EXPECTED! She EXPECTED it to be taken care of. She was entitled and rude...and she got called out on it and rightly so.
She won't do that again..

We don’t know whether or not she said ‘thank you’ because she says she can’t remember but assumes that she did; so why is everyone assuming that she didn’t? Regardless, the actions of the father were petty and will cause awkwardness moving forward, if only for the boys.

I think the Dad is a bastard for not paying for your children but I think you were in the wrong for not addressing the bill before it was settled. As he got up to leave, I would have also got up and said ‘Oh Jeff, let me get mine and the boys, I don’t expect you to pay for us!’ Or your DP should have said ‘Dad, I’ll pay for my 5’.

The FIL is not accepting of your children, you need to bear that in mind for the future.

I think it takes a proper prick to let two teenage boys pay for their own food.

@Wilfulignoranceabounds

You don't know that the dad's actions are petty. What makes you think the worst? He could have honestly presumed that the OP was intending to pay - in which case there is no pettiness at all.

I guess the OP wasn’t thinking that far ahead

There - fixed it for you.

I would never have done what his father did and don’t want to see the father again.

I don't think he's done anything wrong.

The uninvited teens definitely did not, because then they would have learned FIL was not paying for them.

Your DP should have discussed it with the host rather than assume your DC would be paid for. BUT now you know how this blended family is going to be. Your DC will always be othered by DP family. How he deals with this would determine whether I continue in the relationship or not.

Because apparently it didn’t occur to her not to take two adults to a meal to which they weren’t invited and also didn’t occur to her that someone would have to pay for said meal

I really dont understand why you would bring your sons if they werent invited specifically to a meal paid for by someone else..
But,after doing so,why wouldnt you think about who would pay for their meals?
I wouldn't have done what your FIL did ,but i wouldn't have done what you did either.
I think you did cause this by not "thinking". I imagine that thoughlessness is what instigated the FIL actions. I imagine he was furious.
What does your DP want to say to his dad?
is it, why did you embarrass me and my DP by not paying for her childrens meals? Or, My DP didn't give a thought to who would pay for her kids meals? Or something else?

What a really shitty thing for your OP's dad to do. Your OP absolutely needs to talk to him.

I am so sorry this stupid man has blown up what could have been a warm, wider family with his pettiness.

On the contrary, he was definitely thinking ahead.

"I'm nipping the CF behaviour in the bud from the start."

It was his family meal. The OP was a plus one at best. She gatecrashed by dragging two teenagers along to it.

I'm surprised the OP's ears weren't burning! You know the family WhatsApp will be full of it.

Presumably the boys have learnt what happens if people take the piss so that’s a bonus

People assume that she didn't because if she'd thanked him for paying for herself and her sons he clearly would have told her that he hadn't. And if she just thanked him for her own meal, then it's pretty unbelievable that at that point she still didn't think that she needed to worry about her sons' meals.

@Rhaidimiddim

Why are you so sure the Dad has been petty? If he made the sincere presumption that the OP was intending to pay all along (which I think is the most likely explanation) then that wasn't petty at all.

It should have been resolved at the point the OP said "Thank you for meal, I hope you didn't mind the boys coming, how much do I owe you?" Like a normal person.

“ I would never have done what his father did and don’t want to see the father again.”

Why? It probably never crossed FIL’s mind that you or DP wouldn’t be paying for your own DC. They weren’t invited, and they’re not his family. You are feeling embarrassed, but you really need to move on - and don’t hold it against your FIL: next time, get DP to sort out in advance what the arrangements are, and whether your DSs are included.

I’m in shock at the responses. People saying two uninvited guests, they’re your children! You’ve not invited your next door neighbours. I also would be fuming that they’d felt excluded. If someone did that to my children they could royally f**k off.

I actually agree with you OP.

I agree that you shouldn’t have assumed that your sons were paid for. I just can’t get over the waiter running after your partner with the outstanding bill!??

If i was the Father, i would have just paid the bill and had a quiet word with your partner afterwards. No way would I have made it blatantly obvious that your sons aren’t included.

Is he just embarrassed about the payment mix up? (which could have been handled by a quick apology and paying it). Or did he, in fact, not actually want to go to the meal in the first place, knowing that he wasn't invited, and found the whole thing excruiatingly embarrassing?

They were not paying for themselves, they had their parent with them. The man is a virtual stranger to them. It was not on him to pay for the food and drinks of two unknown teenage boys.

The only prick here is their mother.

Though I am beginning to think she was chucking back the wine and didn't give a fuck rather than didn't think.