Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

I think both you/DP and his dad are to blame for your son’s embarrassment. It may have just been a series of unfortunate incidents, including the fact the young waiter ran after your son and not you. If your DP says any to his dad it should be to ensure he meant no real harm to your sons, so that they can move on.

@Puplunchcrasher if it makes you feel any better (or worse maybe) this happened to me 30 years ago (last month) and I still come over all warm and uncomfortable when I think about it.

I wasn't going out with (now dh) very long, not even a year and we were very young, I was 18, it was his 21st birthday.

I had bought our last cinema tickets and chippy afterwards and he said he'd pay my meal.

However, it was a huge family meal, when the bill came MIL said we'd split it (they had loads of wine, I didn't drink and I only had a main, but again, my (now dh) was paying for us both....

Except it turned out that FIL told dh not to pay for his, it was his bday and they would pay. I didn't know any of this until the next day when now SIL said to dh that her parents would need paid back for my meal as I hadn't contributed. Dh gave them the money there and then, and they could see where the misunderstanding lay.

Looking back now I should have noticed and paid my share, but as quite a naive teenager, I hadnt a clue and blush still every time I think about it (we got engaged the following month and have been married since)

Maybe it's not the same situation, but the "thoughtlessness" was there with me.

Ermm no… he can pay for whoever he likes.

In most group settings people pay for themselves and their kids.

Most couples tend to have one person pay because they have shared money.

If that’s the case, why didn’t he pay for everyone else in the restaurant?
Why didn’t all of the family members each bring a friend and he pay for all of them too?

He was the one extending grace to the OP, in not assuming she would have the audacity to expect him to pay. The only one lacking grace here is OP.

I would have found what he did unforgivable .He could so easily have quietly alerted you or your partner that he hadn't included your children .It would then have been so easy for you or your partner to have paid for them . And to have such a pointed boundary that he went out of his way to enforce in a very embarrassing and stressful way as it turned out .
I have had a lifetime of my husband's families graciousness . My own family had none and never paid for anything . I appreciated and was always rather astonished by the older generation's generosity in bringing the family together to encourage connection and closeness and it was always appreciated . It would have been completely natural for me to assume that someone else could be included and quite insulting to suggest that the host's generosity could not include an extra couple of people .
I would never wish to hurt anyone's feelings over a relatively small amount of money if it could be avoided . I find it difficult to believe that he did this to you and your sons .
Luckily it isn't my family as I would be very hurt and never forgive him and just build the best relationships in the family outside of him . I would be polite and thank him though but then have a very high threshold of ever going again . Until he apologised even if it took several years . But I would do everything I could to build a loving relationship with his son and the rest of the family and I would never discuss it even if they brought it up. It is just too painful and I would never do that to anyone.
And I am of his generation rather than your younger one .

Not everybody fixates on money or the price of everything. We may be in a cost of living crisis but not everybody is broke… or tight. In my experience, it’s only broke people and tight people who make a big deal about divvying up restaurant bills. The price of a couple of meals is no big deal to a lot of people, so it doesn’t beggar belief that she didn’t think about it because, as she has said, she isn’t broke.

Maybe your DPs father feels that he could never be as thoughtless as you were.

Embarrassing things happen. Just the other day I was stopped by a store detective in a big supermarket because I'd taken an empty trolly standing all by its lonesome and hadn't noticed that someone else had put their car key in the coin slot. I had accidentally stolen this guy's BMW's keys! Was it embarrassing? Hell yes; I was mortified. Did I get over it? In about five minutes. Just apologize and move on.

Yabu to expect to bring 2 additional guests to a meal when someone else is paying without asking them first or at least offering to pay for the additional guests. Your partners Dad could have also dealt with this more delicately though and told you privately that you needed to pay for your sons food and drinks.

I agree OP/partner were in the wrong not to mention they'd have the boys with them, but his dad was also an arse in how he handled it. He could, and should, have said something to his son about covering their portion of the bill.

I think you should have thought it through beforehand and asked if they could come along, and it was rude not to consider the payment. But I also think he handled it badly. He's clearly not short of a few bob, regularly paying for meals out. I would never intentionally leave two teens out in those circumstances, it's horrible. He has told you very clearly that you're not family, in his eyes. What you do with that info is, of course, your choice.

One way or another, Christmas -or any other family gathering- is now likely to be awkward. I guess the father wasn’t thinking that far ahead.

And neither was she!

Oh get over yourself and don't make a big drama out if it. You have admitted you were in the wrong
Apologise at your oversight and how embarrassed you are and keep on good terms with the family.

If you do ask your DP to speak to his dad, it should be to offer him an apology.

Of course her children aren't his family.
She doesn't live with his son and neither do her kids.

She already said that she wasn’t thinking full stop…which is completely different from thinking bloody-mindedly. As a menopausal woman, I can understand not thinking. I can’t understand the actions of the father, though.

If I was the DP I would be furious with my dad for not mentioning it to me. All he had to do is say "I assume you're covering the boys' meals". Extremely mean and presumably designed to embarrass OP.

Well, its clear she's used to other people paying for her.

Excellent. Front page editorial 👏🏼

Where did she say that?

DP Father has no way of knowing it was an honest mistake since it seems none of them even thanked him for the meal.

I'd be a bit embarrassed if my teenagers did not thank someone for buying them lunch - and it goes without saying that if I had brought my kids along thinking they'd be welcome, I would have squared upfront with DP father that I would be paying for them. I would have been really happy if DP father said "of course it's my treat" but quite accepting to pay myself.
I would feel differently if he was my actual FIL rather than father of a DP I don't live with.

Maybe it's time OP for you to pay for a meal. Maybe not the whole family, but for DP father for sure.

Why would he need to say this.

Do you not pay for your own kids when you go out?

If I were a cheeky fucker I don’t think I would have come on here.

if people don’t believe me when I say i didn’t think they are not going to believe me when I say I can’t remember if I said thank you. I assume I did.

Hallmarks of CFs

• not thinking that they are CFs
• not thanking others for their generosity or 'not knowing' if they did.
• false naïveté when called out for their CFery.

Maybe he wasn’t thinking to then. Maybe he was so shocked by the audacity that he didn’t know what to do for the best!

or maybe he doesn’t think ‘I just wasn’t thinking’ is a reasonable excuse for someone to invite their kids, not paying, and not say thank you.

im guessing you are a CF too by your response. They walk amongst us hey!

I agree with you. I can see how it might feel like a rejection of them. Did the partner's father pay for your meal? If so then 2 children extra shouldn't be a big deal. It's mean and ungenerous to exclude just two children when it sounds like it was a largish group. I would let your partner tell his father as he should know how you felt about it.