Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

I cant believe you thought your dps father should or would pay for your adult sons meals. Its not his responsibility so you should have gone up and paid for all of your meals and drinks so to avoid confusion. They are not his grandchildren nor are they actually children at all from the sounds of it. I dont see the issue with tbem being there and it seems they were welcomed and included that doesn't mean you should have expected their bill to be paid.

You didn't think? . You mean to tell us it didn't once cross your mind who was going to pay for the food your children ate? Don't be so silly. You assumed he would pay and assumed wrong.

You took the absolute PISS OP. Mortified for you. Your teenaged sons were not invited but you brought them anyway and didn't even attempt to put your hand in your pocket. Imagine someone doing that to you, you invite people put and they bring extras and expect you to pay for them?

It didn't "occur" to you to try pay? It did occur to you however that the Dad was mean for NOT paying. I mean that is CF territory. You have absolutely NO manners. He didn't pay for the "kids",..... they are not kids and I am sure they did not eat from the kids menu and ordered adult portions.

I honestly cannot believe you did not ring and say you were bringing them and just rocked up, made no attempt to pay, sat there when the Dad was paying and have the NECK to be offended and never want to see him again!

Cop yourself on.

I would have let the father know before the bill that you'd be paying your family's share. He may have then insisted but the truth is when people feel taken advantage of, it stops any nicer or more generous thoughts they have.

I do think as well that this is a taste of the blended family life for many. "Yours, not mine/ours" especially financially.

Try to clear the air so it's not hanging over you all. Send a nice text saying thank you for the lovely conversation/time together/meal and next time let him know in advance that you'll settle the bill separately.

Your post makes no sense OP:

It’s my fault that my sons were upset and embarrassed but I could not do what his father did.

What did you expect his DF to do? Pay then leave? You must on some level have expected that he pay. Otherwise surely you’d of tried to settle the bill? Or offer?

To say you never want to see him again is unfair and a big overreaction. This one is 💯 on you. You could have avoided it all. His generous DF may even have paid if he’d been asked if they could come. Hoping when you reflect as understand you were embarrassed that you’ll see your not thinking caused it.

Why would the DP’s father assume he had to clarify? He wasn’t the one who brought a couple of extras and expected the bill to magically be settled!

I genuinely find myself shocked daily at the audacity of some people - and those agreeing with what the OP did. I also can’t believe that it slipped her mind - it was clearly a conscious decision to bring them along. Who did she think was paying?

To quote you, you “didn’t think”. This is on you, not your DP’s father. I think you embarrassed yourself. I think you felt humiliated at being run after and asked to pay when you’d assumed someone else had paid for your sons and now you’re looking for someone external to blame for the humiliation you felt. I’m sorry but this is down to your thoughtlessness and assumptions. Of course he shouldn’t have paid for your sons!

I truly dont think this is anything to do with a step child thing. It’s everything to do with them not being invited and then her not paying or saying thank you. I’m ridiculously generous, but I will clam up sooo tight if I think someone is taking the piss out of me. Expectation, I just cannot bare it.

I am v generous with my adult nieces and their partners - some of them took the piss and started expecting it so I never do with those ones now. CFuckers. The ones who aren’t entitled still get the generous auntie treatment.

But you are a cheeky fucker. You fucked around and you found out and you're big mad about that.

Stay mad.

You rock on up to your bf's family outing with two uninvited teens and assume your bf's dad is paying. That is crashing their get together, which is cheeky fuckerdom. You felt entitled to spend your bf's dad's money on uninvited crashers. He made it clear that's not happening.

Take the L. You owe him and your kids an apology and explain to your kids your thought process about bringing 2 teens to another family's get together when they weren't invited. Because I don't believe you're that stupid. You thought he'd pay and not say anything. Surprise!

He could have asked his son to go up to the till with him to settle the bill and said to him ‘you get OPs children and I’ll get the rest.’ Then DP could have settled with OP later on if he wanted to, it would have also started a conversation about future meals out with her children. That would have sent the message but in a much nicer way. As it was, it was a really unpleasant way to embarrass OP and her boys. You don’t do that to people. OP should have done her bit too, asking if it was ok for them to join making clear she was paying for their way.

I don’t see that anyone has behaved particularly well.

He did nothing wrong. He didn’t need to take it upon himself to sort of OP’s problem in an advance.

It may very well be that it didn’t occur to him that OP would be a CF and this would even be an issue.

The only person to blame here is yourself. There's no way you sat there eating and drinking with no thought as to how it would be paid, you knew full well that DP's father usually pays and you thought he would do just that.

Good on him for refusing your CF behaviour.

God, wouldn’t it be nice if it just all disappeared, from everywhere?

*inc unrelated threads

That would give away that they never intended or even attempted to pay.

I can't imagine being so rude as to tell my dad not to go about it that way, like he's the one that needs a lesson in manners here

Whoops, I posted on the wrong thread! Will ask MN to delete.

I know you’ve said that you didn’t think, but you eat out regularly so you understand that food needs to be paid for, you knew that your partner hadn’t paid for them and you knew that you hadn’t paid for their meals. The fact that it didn’t even occur to you to ask if there was a bill outstanding suggests that maybe you’ve been taking things for granted a bit.

Least you know where you stand and I actually say well done that man he has the backbone many on here try to tell others to have.

You took along two uninvited guests, you made no noise about paying your or rather their way.

You should be embarrassed it was cheeky fuckery and the dad clearly saw through you trying to shove your children into his family event.

You don’t even live together for them to be step children and you’re already pushing your luck.

So you genuinely didn’t think about checking if your sons were uwelcome, you just turned up? Wouldn’t the booking need changing aside from anything else?

if this is true, you are very naive and not sensitive enough about the potential issues when you blend families. These aren’t even little children, these are mid teens who would order adult meals and who would be extremely aware if they are not welcome somewhere. I think you put them in an awkward position. It should have occurred to you it was a big deal the first time you bring your kids to grandpa’s lunch.

in future, just be more aware of how others perceive a situation.

I don’t think the grandfather handled it well but tbh maybe he was just trying to keep a lid on it as he was annoyed but didn’t want to ruin the atmosphere.

You are so completely and utterly out of order. What a horrible position to put everyone in. And somehow you’re the one who feels hard done by! 🤯 This is all on you. 100% unreasonable, sorry.

While I am not defending OP, she was 100% in the wrong, I can’t imagine saying to the waiter I am paying for everyone except those two teens, and then not mentioning to the adults who brought them.

OP demonstrated poor manners, but this could have been handled better by her boyfriend’s dad. There was a lack of grace in the execution.

I’m surprised it didn’t occur to you when the DCs were choosing their meals who would be paying. Surely you look at the price of stuff - burger as opposed to fillet steak for example - and at that stage it often influences your choice. You never at any moment stopped and thought, ooh hang on, FIL will be paying so fuck it have what you like lads…

How old are your sons?

ETA - sorry just saw they are mid teens.

How old are all the kids on both sides?

You speak about things "happening organically" and "giving it no thought", "I didn't think" etc. This is the problem. The fact that you "weren't thinking" doesn't make a meal any cheaper. You know that meals cost money. You know that someone has to pay. You expect someone else to deal with it. That's not fair, and your partner's dad was clearly angry at the way you took his generosity for granted. The only way to mend this really is to apologise, and it would be a nice gesture if you took him (and any number of family members that he chooses to invite) out for a meal.