Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

I think it’s very generous of the dad to treat such a large group every few months. Op, you clearly got used to it , to the point that paying at the end / the fact there is a bill doesn’t cross your mind. I’d probably still feel bad about him paying even for me, let alone my two extra kids…

Why is the father responsible for paying for everyone?

If OP can’t afford to eat out, then she should stay home.

Not once have I ever expected someone to pay for my meal, nor pay for my DCs.

You are a mug if the man you’re dating brings his kids along and expects you to pay for both him and his DC without even offering to pay.

I think you should have offered to pay and it was rude not to.

Based on the OP there are 10-14 people at these gatherings. He has a better memory than mine if he got to the bar and remembered exactly who had what; unless he's noted what the OP's children were eating so he could exclude their costs.

Op only had her two children. What’s her excuse?

He should pay for everyone or no one. It’s petty and mean to effectively say that he likes certain people enough to pay for them but not others.

The way FIL behaved makes me think that you and your partner have form for this type of behaviour? Which is a horrible type of assumption on my part but is there something to that?

Loaded doesn't mean he likes being taken the piss off.

He takes them all to lunch regularly and pays, that's lovely. Oap then uncovered 2 people without giving the heads up, ok fine. The right thing to do is the offer to pay for them and I wouldn't be surprised if he would have just said nah don't worry I'll pay but the fact she didn't comed across as taking the piss which may explain why he did that.

This is all on OP. And her kids being embarrassed is because she messed up and created this awkward situation.

Or he simply asked for separate bills when they waiter came to take the orders.

You keep repeating that you would not do what your partners father did but maybe he feels exactly the same way about you.

You were extremely bad mannered maybe he thinks he would never behave the way you have.

fascinating to read the range of responses here. I think the host dealt with it very neatly.

It just would not happen in my world that I would have turned up with two unexpected guests. As a step mother, it has happened that we unexpectedly had ‘the boys’ with us for an event.

The obvious thing to do is to let the host know in advance, asking whether they can be included

The booking will have been for two fewer people than turned up ?What would have happened if the table had been in a private room which could not accommodate two more people. Was there not a kerfuffle when two more people than expected turned up so that extra places had to be set.

Letting them know in advance really is the minimum that can be expected.

Rather neat for the host to allow you the dignity of paying for them, which provided gentle reminder that had you asked in advance, they probably would have been included. In what other situation would you expect uninvited guests to be accommodated.

How would you have felt if he'd paid for them, then discreetly asked his son if you coukd reimburse him the money? I'd imagine its still mortifying, if not then your issue was with the public nature of it which I understand.

However, if you'd find it embarrassing for him to go around the doors quietly to get the money repaid, then your issue is that you feel he doesn't see them as grandkids and you would have liked him to cover their bill on this occasion. But they werent invited or expected.

All parties are unreasonable in different ways tbh. Your partner could have engaged brain and noticed your sons there would mean some which discussion with hisbdad as the person who always pays. But you caused the awkward situation by bringing them without checking, though if you felt part of the family I can see why.

Basically, an awkward mess! But going no contact with him wouldn't be a good long term thing for your relationship.

sorry but its absolutely disgusting to pay for everyonoe but two teens and walk out without a word. I would never do this, I don't know anyone who would do this and I would not be friends with anyone who would do this.

They are your children you attended as a family - if the FIL had an issue he could have had a quiet word with your son.

OP, you don't just bring two guests to someone else's meal, when they have never been invited before, and then expect the bloody host to pick up the tab. I cannot in my wildest dreams imagine, not only doing that, but not giving the bill a second thought.

Any normal person would have called the father ahead and said "can we bring Jack and Jim, of course their mum will be paying" - in time the father may have paid the bill. You, OP, are one CF.

By your rules all of them could turn up with girlfriends, boyfriends, their children and other additional guests and he’d still be expected to pay for all of them.

Of course he is closer to his family.

My sons are mortified and elder one is upset. You all need to learn some resilience and manage your own emotions.

He must have whispered, as OP said it never occurred to her until being chased, so she can't have heard.

Man generously takes his three adult children, their spouses and grandchildren out for a meal.

One adult son brings his recent girlfriend as his plus one. 2 year relationship, they don't live together.

CF girlfriend rocks up with 2 teenage lads to gatecrash the family meal, and makes no effort to pay for their food. Doesn't even say thank you.

Utter legend of a man decides he's not letting anyone take the piss out of him. So he pays for CF girlfriend's meal but not her boys, whom he didn't invite and who aren't part of his family. He doesn't make a scene or publicly single them out, he doesn't call out CF girlfriend in front of the group.

CF stays for additional drinks, still doesn't think about paying for her uninvited teens, and tries to leave. Waiting staff call her back to pay for the meals and on of her son's is embarrassed.

CF decides this is in some way bad behaviour on behalf of the man who paid for her meal, and not on her own scrounging self.

Well played, that bloke. If he'd posted in Aibu about CF girlfriend of his son bringing extra, uninvited people to o his meal, everyone would have told him not to pay.

She has none. As I said, it's a great introduction to what her blending situation will look like, so she can no longer go around with her head in the clouds.

You keep saying you didn't think ... but surely you were leaving, so it's immaterial that you were all chatting when the grandfather went up to pay the bill, you didn't then go oh I need to pay for my boys before leaving, or enquired of your partner quietly about it. You just went to leave.

Or OP just wasn’t inclined to listen any more than she was inclined to think.

Also possible. As I said, it's a great introduction to what her blending situation will look like, so she can no longer go around with her head in the clouds.

Exactly the point. I also am astonished that some people seem to know that this bloke - who takes his immediate family to a pub lunch every few months - is clearly rich as Croesus and should pay for any others his son's current girfriend brings alone.

This. It’s a bit cheeky to assume that your children would be paid for really.

While I do understand being annoyed at the audacity, how this played out with the boys being chased down with the bill was awful.

the man should have quietly said to his son that he wouldn’t be covering the extra guests. The adults should have resolved this quietly, with the second bill going to either OP or her boyfriend.