Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

Given he wasn’t thanked for the dinner he did pay for, I don’t blame him.

I wouldn't want to go to some massive family meal so frequently.

Blimey, “probably” should have offered. Of course you offer. And if you don’t pay you end the meal with a grateful thank you.

Hi op I wouldn’t dwell on it a genuine mistake which you won’t do again. Your dc will get over it you have to realise some parents don’t want to blend their families. Was the table booked for an exact amount or was it just turn up get table? Look at it this way the father didn’t come up to you and say I’m not paying for your kids he probably thought you would know it’s up to you to pay. He probably doesn’t mind paying for you with his son but your kids were not exactly invited so move on if you decide not to mix with dp father you are making a rod for your own back. Especially if you’re living together next year. It was a misunderstanding.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

So your Dp was cool with bringing your boys along.

What does he want to say to his Dad ?

You were all there as the guests of your partner HE should have squared it with his dad. He didn't.
Your partner knows his dad better than you do.

The dad didn't want to pay.. but the way he went about it, walking out and leaving your eldest son to find out by being chased by the waiter, was spiteful.
I would have felt humiliated.
Why didn't he draw his son aside and say.. sending the bill to you.. Then your partner could have worked it out between the two of you... but letting you all walk out thinking it was paid for was intended to teach you a humiliating lesson, when he could have just used his words.

I would put this down to a lesson in where you stand with these people.

I don't think your partner should take it up with his Dad on your behalf, but on his own behalf. I don't think he should be arguing that the dad should have paid. It will just give the Dad a chance to give him a nasty lecture. But he could say if you are paying for everyone else except us, ... at least let us know and don't go about it that way. You could have paid and then asked me to transfer it back. Wasn't nice to send the bill to the teenager.

I wouldn't go to the next one either.

It’s one of those rather awkward situations that in hindsight you would go ooh yes I maybe could have dealt with that better. I don’t think you were unreasonable to take your sons but I think you should have maybe asked about paying for them/offered some money. You shouldn’t have presumed the dad would pay… but equally I think the dad was a little mean and made things awkward, he could have just paid for them and then brought it up with your partner at a later date if it bothered him.

You and your partner owe his Dad and your sons massive apologies for putting them in such embarrassing positions.

You both should, of course, ASKED if you'd sons could join BUT should have insisted Dad didn't cover their meals.

Not their mother who brought them along without invitation, with no prior conversation about who was paying for them?

Thats an interesting perspective!

Or maybe the Dad just assumed the Op would pay for her additional guests - given she hadn’t discussed it with him.

I can’t imagine a scenario where I wouldn’t pay for 2 extra dinner for kids who are important to my adult child when we’re attending a family dinner, unless I was very stressed financially, which I doubt I’d be inviting anyone in that case!

Yes, you should have offered to pay. It shouldn’t have been assumed (which I don’t think it was), but I’d definitely not be a fan of dear old dad going forward.

I also think it was an unnecessary slight by the FIL - if he can afford to pay for a regular family meal of that scale then an extra £50 this time would be pretty minor. I think in his shoes I would have paid it but then said to my son that I’d have appreciated being asked first about the extra guests and that I wasn’t that happy about it becoming a regular thing. However, this is a heads up about his attitudes to your blended family (or soon to be) and you have to decide whether that’s a dealbreaker or not. As your sons are already teens, it probably needn’t be - they’ll have their own independent lives and won’t expect to be treated equally to your DPs son.

So, you were being unreasonable to take them without checking and without offering to pay (or your DP was) but the FIL was unreasonable too and it would change how I viewed him and how comfortable I felt about my relationship with DPs family. I think your DP should talk to his father and apologise, taking the blame entirely so it’s not on you, and then talk to his dad more broadly about you, your sons and how he’d like his parents to interact with you all. I’d probably be disinclined to go to another family meal before it was all aired out.

Indeed. I'm just imagining the thoughts in the Dad's mind: he pays for his family's meal (even at a cheaper end pub, that's going to be a fair old bill). Then unmarried son brings latest partner and he has to pay for her as well. Then she brings her two teenagers along - without even asking - and he's expected to pay for them, too.

If it were me in his place, I'd be thinking "And if I pay for them this time, that's going to have to be EVERY time, going forward - isn't it?"

Doesn't matter if he can afford it (and we don't know that, do we?) - taking extras along and expecting him to pay for them is cheeky fuckery. He was doing what we always tell people to do - drawing his boundary.

Good riddance then. He takes then to and pays for their lunch regularly, it's a silly move to invite 2 more people and then sit back and not offer to pay. It's possible he may have even paid she if she said oh we will cover the boys but the fact she didn't (she said she meant to and forgot) is an entitled move.

Yeah she can stop speaking to him and all that, that's her choice.

I think you'll have to apologise OP, taking two unexpected people is very rude and would be about 30-40 quid extra? Maybe more? You can't do that without any conversation or agreement.

If you've been thoughtless and entitled this time, I expect you have been before and this was probably once too much. As for not even knowing if you thanked him - really rude.

I think it's reasonable to assume that if DP says we're invited to this family meal then "we" includes everyone. If it doesn't then it's primarily on DP to clarify because he is responsible for managing relationships with his family members.

you’re sense of entitlement is breath taking and all this “I didn’t think” “I would never do what the fil did”
but you and your partner made a fool
of him! You just rocked up with 2 extra uninvited people and offered ZERO explanation didn’t pull the fil to the side and say- I hope it’s ok that I brought x and x along. Ill get our bill separate at the end. You were SO entitled. You just assumed he would pay. Free loading. Grim. Shame

‘We’ doesn’t include everyone when they’ve never l, ever been included before and were not invited this time either! Even if ‘we’ were all invited, it’s totally wrong, to expect someone else to foot the bill for them, without so much as a conversation.

I can see why you would take the children along with you, but as soon as you walked in and greeted people would have made it clear to FIL that you would be paying for your children. You only appeared to have paid after someone ran after you asking for payment !
I think you’ve been quite rude. If I were you I would clear the air with FIL, apologise and say that you didn’t assume he would pay for your children too.

The fact you can't remember if you said thank you makes it worse, you clearly didn't. It's very entitled behaviour and I don't blame him for drawing boundaries. I'd have noticed this if I was FIL.

I do think it's rude to have brought your teens without checking first, and especially rude to then not offer to pay for them.

I do however think your DP's dad has been pretty passive aggressive in what do did, which was unnecessary. If it were me, I would have paid but then had a quiet word with my son, telling him that I found it presumptuous and that I would appreciate it was handled differently in the future.

I think the grandfather could have taken his son aside and said 'look just to let you know I haven't paid for OP's sons or said I am paying the bill and your portion is this much.' Then it wouldn't have been awkward.
For what its worth I think it was a bit rotten thing to do.

You were wrong to assume they would be paid for and you perhaps should have spoken to DP's father first. They were not invited.

Tbf he probably said to staff I am paying the bill apart from those two lads (points at the two DS). And that's how it worked out