Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

Agreed! All those accusing this extremely generous man of being the tight one - not the OP - I find absolutely baffling.

I think your DP is in the wrong more than anyone else here. You both left your home with your 2 sons and he didn't think to mention that they weren't invited? If he didn't know then there's some seriously poor planning at play here. He should know his father well enough to know if he would be ok with this or not. Though there's no way I could have ever forgotten to check this first tbh.

that being said, only the worst kinds of people do things like what your DPs dad did. If it's your invite then you pay for your guests. Granted he didn't know they were coming, but since they did, should have been hospitable and gracious enough to cover their bill then mention it to your DP after. How awful it is to make 2 children feel excluded for something that is in no way their fault, as a means to punish their parent. Very humiliating for all of you and there was simply no need for him to make a show of it.

If I were you, OP, I'd be seriously considering whether you WANT to blend into a family like that. I certainly wouldn't. You've already said you never wanna see his dad again...

I can see how that would happen. In your shoes it was a family meal, that happens frequently, you went with the family that was with you at the time. You were hardly going to leave them behind.

I think, as these things so often are, this is DP problem. He should have spoken to his Dad, told and him DSs' were coming and asked what the score was re payment.

I have a DP who doesn't live with me, isn't quite one of the family, but is often at family events. The first time he offered to pay for his own meal, which I think my Dad appreciated, but made it clear wasn't required or expected.

You probably should have offered, but I can see why it wouldn't have been at the front of your mind. His Dad should definitely have told either to you or DP that two of the meals hadn't been paid for.

Has DP spoken to his father about his decision making process? There does need to be a conversation or this could be the sort of thing that brings a family down, when really it's about communication, not money.

Looking at all of this. I believe that the OP knew exactly what she was doing.

Thought she would get a freebie meal for her two boys who probably ate the way teenage boys eat and was caught out and now she is saying she doesnt want to see the Father!

These boys are just his son's girfriends kids. They arent part of the family and for the OP to think they were is unbeliveable.

I think you need to hold up a mirror to yourself and think how you could have managed this better - bet you wont though. Still using the 'I just didnt think'.

I'm sure the DP's dad doesn't want her to blend either!

FIL should have had a quiet word with your partner when he got the bill. There really wasn't any need to embarrass you or your sons. His actions have made future meetings awkward.. It's a shame.

OP, I do believe you when you say you didn’t think. That said, I can’t understand why you didn’t think.

You’re reaction of not wanting to see you’re partners dad again is extreme. I understand your embarrassment/mortification at not thinking ahead, but that’s no reason to exclude your partners dad from your life. You made a mistake. Your partners dad should not have been expected to pay for your sons, and he shouldn’t have had to pay to cover your oversight and save your potential embarrassment. He could have said to you on the QT that the boys portion of the bill was still to be paid but HE maybe didn’t think to do so. Same as YOU didn’t think to offer payment. It’s all a storm in a teacup. Try to move on OP.

There is probably more to this, maybe his dad used to pay for him, and then he just assumed dad would be happy to pay for you without asking and he's gone along with it, so bringing 2 teens without asking was too much for him to ignore. Maybe he paid for the meal as time to see his grandson, so bringing your sons took that time away. It's embarrassing yes, but you were more rude than him, so to say you don't want to see him again because he forced you to confront your bad manners makes me think you are a difficult person. How else could he have handled it without embarrassing you? You say you are well off, so maybe you assume everyone could afford it easily, a meal for that many people frequently is hugely generous, and you've taken advantage of that. The best thing for you to do, to save face, is to invite him for a meal on you next time.

It sounds like a simple misunderstanding - maybe his dad should've mentioned at the table he was splitting the bill but it's not a huge deal.

I agree with this although equally if I’d been the FIL, I’d probably have paid as it seems harsh to leave 2 kids out!!

The boyfriend's father was sending a strong message that he is not going to be taken advantage of. He did it in a blunt way but he was responding to how blunt the OP was in expecting him to pay.

He probably doesn't care either way if what he did was rude. OP is embarrassed quite rightly and has learnt the hard way to not take people's generosity for granted.

You put your partner's father in an awkward position. I think he was right not to pay as it must have seemed from his pov that you were just assuming he would. But he could have handled it better by taking his son aside and asking him to pay something to towards the bill. It's a shame your sons had to be embarrassed like that, not nice for them. But that was mostly caused by you.

While there's a chance I suppose he set you up deliberately, I think it much more likely that he thought you would actively settle the bill for your (uninvited) sons yourself, as you had made no offer to him to pay and were staying on for a drink anyway.

As others have said, had your sons thanked him properly, I find it hard to believe that he wouldn't have at least given you/your DP a heads up that he wasn't covering it, or perhaps he would have felt differently about doing so.

This isn't about step families or who can afford to pay for themselves. This is about manners and etiquette and not presuming on another person's generosity.
The man is under no obligation to pay for anyone. He chooses to pay for his family and includes his sons GF in that.
I'm at a loss as to why he is the villain here for not extending that to another two teenagers who just turned up, without warning and when it's not the norm, who he barely knows, and when their mother didn't even have the courtesy to offer to pay.
I have little time for people who exclude genuine step children, but relationships are built not assumed. In the early stages you tread carefully and take nothing for granted. Because while many people are prepared to be generous, few want to be treated as a walking wallet.

I think the father is as tight as a gnat's arse, personally.

I can totally see how this happened innocently OP. And although unwise with hindsight to take your kids and/or not pay for them separately, I would never have done what DP's father did.
Totally humiliating and unnecessary, I wouldn't want to see him again either

The issue is that there were less embarrassing ways to handle it. In that situation, I would have paid for the boys and told my son, after the fact, that I won’t be making a habit of it. Unless paying for two more kids would have broken the bank, there was no need to sneak off and pay for everyone except two kids. Petty af.

What a nasty way for him to do that! He should have paid the check and followed up with your DH to explain that he was not happy with the expectation that he pay for your sons meals.

Exactly! OP is completely unreasonable

For not paying for two people who weren't invited, and he wasn't told about before the meal? I guess it takes all sorts

I'm just wondering how much note he took during meal time to know exactly what her kids ate. The OP was presumptuous, but my oh my 😳.

Evidently so, yes.

You need to be honest with yourself OP. You probably didn’t think about who was paying because in your mind your partners father always pays for the “family meal” and you see yourself as one big family now. I don’t think you were trying to blag a free meal with malice, but when he didn’t pay you were disappointed that he doesn’t see your sons as family and that’s the issue. That’s the thing with blended families. There can be alot of hurt and pain.

Or it was a set menu?