Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

As a step parent you were wrong not to check they where welcome and it no point did you not say to his dad after it was realised he paid the bill “How much am I due you for x and y?”

Yes but they did put it on a separate bill and the OP didn't realise hence they went to leave. If the father had explained to OP Or her partner there was a separate bill that needed covering they could have paid rather than the staff chasing the kids like thieves is all I am saying. I don't have an issue with the father not paying just not telling anyone he hadn't

You say...

"Them being paid for with my hand on heart, I never gave it a moment’s thought."

So who the hell did you think was going to pay for them!? You were literally leaving - I'd say you're a CF or a chancer.

You ABVU to think it's OK to turn up with extra people, not even occur to you that someone had to pay for them, and a comment about they're children - they are teenage boys, I'm pretty sure they didn't have chicken nuggets and chips off a children's menu! Yep - you took the piss. In your shoes the only reason I wouldn't want to see the dad again is because of my own embarrassment.

So literally all the adults with paying jobs get their meal paid for but the two teenagers aren’t included? MN is a weird place for step families for sure

"OP - I think you are a CF expecting me to pay for your sons' meals. So, to avoid future embarrassment, I'd like to make it clear that I'm not paying for them and you'll have to do so".

I mean, how do you have a quiet word in FIL's position? If OP is planning to pay for her sons there is no need for a word. There's only need to make it plain to her if he thinks she is a CF. Which, if it turned out she was planning to pay all along, is also insulting.

I think it was pretty iconic actually. Natural consequences and all that.

OP and her DP were absolute dicks. They deserved the embarrassment they got. And now they have the audacity to be annoyed at the DGP! This cannot be real.

But she said she didn’t expect the bill to be paid? She said she didn’t even think about it and certainly didn’t expect him to pay for them. But she did.

and what should she do? Offer to pay! Thank him and then maybe he would have told her.

Sorry this is all on you. I’d have assumed I was paying and made that clear at the start.

Bad enough that you invited extra guests but you absolutely cannot hold it against your partner’s dad. What exactly do you think he did wrong? I imagine it never occurred to him that you were expecting him to pay.

And if your sons were embarrassed then this is also on you (a) for not paying and (b) for making such a fuss. I’m sure the restaurant were fine- all you needed to say was “oh I am so sorry, I thought we’d paid already” and just pay! It’s not like they are shaming you on local Facebook sites.

At the point he did this he could have let his son know that he had done this, thats all I am saying. He didn't need to pay but he could have let his son know so that kids weren't chased like thieves.

FIL didn't assume that OP was a cheeky fucker who was going to leave the restaurant without paying for the food her kids had ordered and eaten. What an arsehole, eh?

don’t want to see the father again
Bit dramatic? You were equally at fault (maybe more so), and you’ve been happy to accept his hospitality for the last two years.

You need to get over yourself, tbh, and learn when it’s appropriate to put your hand in your pocket.

@SnowflakeSmasher86 they weren’t invited! That’s why you offer ffs

@Puplunchcrasher I do believe you that you just didn't think about payment, but it's unreasonable of you to think that your FIL would realise that without being told.

Whether or not FIL should have paid for your sons (I can see both sides) it's a massive overreaction to say you don't want to see him again.

Why would you apologise? He didn't pay for the children and he wasn't put out by any of it. He just left abd and made sure that his son and partner would feel crap along with her kids.

It's not a family id want to get any closer to at all, let alone suck up to.

Yes, you were thoughtless but you know that. FIL was so rude though! If he wasn’t able to pay he should have had a quiet word with your DH so it shouldn’t be a surprise. It would still have been awkward but DH could have said, “oh no, of course we’ll pay our own way, I’m so sorry” and spared everyone embarrassment.
I’ve been in FIL’s position and I’ve paid for the extra people but made a quiet comment later on about the meal getting a bit expensive now the family group has grown and maybe in future we could split the bill.
I honestly think his behaviour was worse than yours, OP.

OP herself has said she didn't expect him to pay for her sons' food.
So why on earth would the dad need to tell anyone that he hadn't?

He only needs to do this if he thinks that OP will assume that he's paid for everyone. So it's actually to his credit that he assumes that OP is not a rude CF.

You're getting such weird responses here OP, this was obviously rude (of them) and very pointed. I would feel weird about it too, and I'd let your partner speak to them (hopefully to point out that not offering to pay for your children was just an oversight and that the way they handled it was very strange and rude).

The dad was probably setting à precedent . As in who might OP bring next time ? Her mum , her brother and his kids ?? And he rightly decided he would not be taken advantage of .

He could have been as oblivious as you OP, not even gave it a second thought that HE would be expected to pay for them. Perhaps it never even entered his mind that he needed to pay for those meals too. He assumed you would do it without needed prompted.

Why? I would imagine he assumed that OP was going to go up and pay her bill. Surely the default isn't to assume that someone is intending to duck out without paying. There's no need to tell someone they need to do what normal people would automatically do by default. Why is everyone so insistent on trying to blame the FIL for OP's attempted cheeky fuckery.

So the partner's DF pays for everyone he's invited every time, he's been kind enough to buy lunch/dinner for the Op several times, so does that mean he's always obliged to pay even for two people he didn't invite? He sounds as if he wasn't off with the Op or her DS over dinner, he just presumed the Op would pay their share. The Op has now taken this as a massive rejection of her DC which is way over the top, if she'd done the decent thing and asked the staff if there was anything still owing no one would have chased after them for money.

If they were my kids the only words needing to be said would be it's nice to be able to bring them along how much do i owe?

What he did was brutal and graceless

I really don't understand comments like this and similar.

It is very possible the man paying for everyone resented the assumption he should pay for two randoms only to then have to put himself in the awkward position of reminding the CF OP to pay for her own kids. Or, he might have thought that paying for someone else's children's food isn't his place and that it would naturally be covered by their parent.

Either way it is hilarious that some on here think he is in the wrong for the crime of wanting to regularly lunch with his DC and DGC, while paying for them all too.

Bet those who are outraged by the man never buy lunch for their own family members on a regular basis, let alone two unknowns. Thankfully I only see this keenness to be so generous with other folks money, on MN.

Good god I can only imagine how much the bill was! And yes no need to be such a drama queen OP.

Just chalk it up to crossed wires and next time check in advance if you can bring your kids and offer to pay at the outset.

You were out of order expecting your boyfriend's father to pay for your sons. What planet are you on where it's okay to gatecrash a family meal and expect others to pay for two uninvited guests? You should have said right from the start that you would be paying for your own food - that way, the man had the opportunity to say 'oh don't worry, it's on me' or 'great, thanks' with no offence taken on either side.