Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

Yes OP was very stingey

I’ve never gone to a restaurant, ordered and eaten a meal and then decided to just not pay.

One thoughtless act doesn’t cancel out another. OP was thoughtless in her expectation that FiL would pay, but equally FiL could have handled this a lot better. When he saw OP had brought her kids he could have pulled his son aside and told him he didn’t intend to pay for them. Leaving without paying for them, knowing what would happen isn’t very nice. At all.

But this didn't happen!

Surely OP you can understand that your forgetfulness/thoughtlessness shouldn't oblige other people to pay for meals for members of your family they weren't expecting.

For some reason you are focussed on how DP's dad dealt with the situation you caused. How would you have felt if he'd paid and then messaged to ask for the money later? I think you would still have thought he was in the wrong.

You and you alone created an embarrassing and awkward situation for everyone by assuming he would pay to just avoid any awkwardness and that's just not OK. He's set down a very clear boundary that he won't tolerate freeloaders taking advantage and you're upset about being thought of in that way. Apologise and you will feel better.

You weren't thinking, so the impact of what happened feels stronger to you.

I think his father is signalling to you that he won't be taken advantage of, regardless of the fact that that wasn't your intention. Why else would a grown adult go out of his way to tell the staff to remove your sons meals from his bill. He's not exactly wrong in what he did, but it seems very pointed, considering he paid at the bar, then immediately left without informing your DP that he hadn't paid for them. Also, maybe he doesn't want your children at the those meals?

I'd just accept, and maybe tell DP's father what happened 😊

You didn't take a 3 and a 6 year old that barely ate a plate of plain pasta with cheese between them, and even then, you expect to pay.

You took two teenage boys would have eaten like the rest of the adults.. and you did not think about who was covering their meals!!

Taking your word at face value I suggest you didn't think because your own sense of entitlement automatically assumed they would be paid for. I suspect the FIL and his DD saw this and drew a line at your audacity to bring uninvited people who not only joined the lunch, but didn't mention covering the cost of what they consumed AND you now have the cheek to not want to see the father again.

You reaction is what will have engendered the upset in your own sons, and if I were your partners family, I would be wary of you going forward. They don't know you have said you don't want to see the FIL again, but you said it here and it reveals a lot about you.

Most people would have felt rightly embarrassed, paid immediately and made sure to never repeat the situation again. Best thing to do going forward is just let your DP go to these lunches.

I think this is worthy of one of the CF threads that get started on Mumsnet every so often.

He could have asked a simple question and clarified that he was not paying - how is not paying and leaving them to find out that way any better ?

Explain what? That he'd asked for the meals that he was assuming that OP would pay for be put on a separate bill? As OP should have done herself at the beginning. Discrete of him not to bring it up and risk embarrassing her.

Nope. Agree. FiL left first.

Absolutely this!!!

He, like everyone on this thread, is probably thinking you’re a bit of a CF.

Definitely message him this and try and repair the relationship.

You keep saying you didn’t think, but you did think that their meals would be covered, if you didn’t think that then you would have surely asked for the bill yourself? You wouldn’t have begun walking confidently out of that restaurant without being 100% sure that he covered the bill, right? You assumed. You thought bill was covered.

You will never know what might have happened had you offered to pay.

If i was dp's dad i would be fine to pay for 2 extra kids if I had been asked about them coming and payment offered. However I would be annoyed at being assumed/expected to pay.

It’s my fault that my sons were upset and embarrassed but I could not do what his father did. @Puplunchcrasher

How often have you paid for an uninvited person's meal at a restaurant? Imagine if you had your own family gathering and your boyfriend's parents turned up uninvited and expected you to pay. How would you feel?

I think finding out via the waiter running after her elder son is way more embarrassing than a quiet word beforehand. OP shouldn’t have assumed but FiL didn’t exactly handle it well.

If for whatever reason I’d ended up taking two extras to a meal someone else organised, I’d have been straight over to ask them to leave their bill to me. I’d have been embarrassed if they thought I expected them to pay @Puplunchcrasher

So what would you do in the father's shoes? Would you just suck up paying for two relative strangers who have turned up uninvited? Admittedly he could have had a word with you or his son to confirm that you were going to pay for your children, but that's the most that was required of him.

I really don't think this is something to go no contact about. You accept that the fault was mostly yours.

Who do you mean when you say "DP's partner's son's reaction"?

You are DP's partner?

But he didn't know what would happen!
Most people wouldn't bring 2 extra people to a meal and expect someone else to pay for them. It's not natural for FIL to raise it unless he makes the assumption that OP is a CF. And if OP had paid for her children rather than "not thinking" there would be no embarrassment.

Well then he's a prick who has caused a really awkward scene to prove a point.

If it wasn't OK for the boys to come, then her partner should have said something or offered to pay

Well since FiL didn’t say anything to the contrary what was she supposed to think ?

I would absolutely pay for two kids who turned up to family dinner with their mum yes

I think the person most at fault here was your partner, who should have spoken to his dad beforehand, checked it was OK for your kids to come and offered to pay for the extra mouths.

The second most at fault was his dad "FIL" who must have deliberately directed the waiter to run after a teenager who clearly isn't going to be paying for their own meal, rather than talking to you or your partner who are the responsible adults in charge of these young people.

It was a horrible experience for the child and yanbu to be upset for him but you are also at fault for not checking that the money for the meal was agreed.

Mumsnet delights in making feel worse than they did already with posts like yours ; i guess it brings joy to their unkind hearts. You did nothing wrong and that was a heartless way for him to behave; He could at least have had a quiet word with your partner if he didn’t want to pay. Don’t blame you for wanting nothing more to do with him

And can’t remember if you said thank you. Are you living in la la land. I would 10000% make sure I said thank you if I thought the meal was being paid for. That’s really poor form OP.