Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

The fact you didn’t think shows you 100% made the assumption it would be paid for and that’s really outrageous. Your argument that you “just didn’t think” - do you often go to restaurants and forget to pay? But you say you’re not a CF so that’s okay then.

He can't pull his son aside and say that though - because it gives the impression that he is assuming that OP (with no discussion) is expecting him to pay for he sons meals. Which if OP (as she says) wasn't freeloading is pretty insulting.

Haha, yes!

I suspect that his father has done this because he just couldn't believe that you'd bring along two more guests ( when he is paying) without even letting him know in advance or telling him as soon as you got there that you'd be paying for their meals .
Does anyone else ever pay for the family meal or is it always partners father ? As one of the other adults, I'd have to insist on taking a turn at paying sometimes.
Bet he feels really taken advantage of.

Incredibly stingy to pay for 7 adults and all the grandchildren who were invited
It may well have been an honest mistake but that in no way makes him stingy

Very good point!

Another reason why OP was rude to just invite extra people along without checking first.

They're not family, the OP and her partner don't even live together. Gp didn't handle it well, but the OP is a cheeky fucker. And her DP is a wet lettuce who should have dealt with it in advance.

Oh come on. "I didn't think".

Yes you did. You've said yourself Gramps always pays so you assumed he'd cover your boys too. You didn't think the restaurant would give away free food surely? And neither you nor your partner offered to pay.

You should see the dad again to apologise for your assumption.

I think it’s the blended family dynamic. I suspect this is always going to be the case and if the relationship is long term OP’s children shouldn’t expect to be welcome at family gatherings or receive Christmas gifts, except maybe cheap tokens. I don’t think OP should have taken it for granted that FiL would pay for her sons but I can understand why she didn’t give it much thought in the moment. Still a shitty way to treat kids though.

You were rude. Accidentally you say. So if fil had paid for your children's meal how would you ever have realised? What should he have done?

I would be mortified that i forgot to aks if they could come ans mention i would pay. Not falling out with partners dad for having a boundary.

You say you didnt expect free meals, so I dont see the issue with the dc food not being covered. The upset to your dc is only because you or your dp made a big deal about it had you just paid with no comment they would have barely noticed. Or you just say to dc "no partners dad cant pay for too many i planned to pay for you i just forgot"

Bunch of grabby fuckers, more like. Complaining about lack of decorum whilst demonstrating none themselves.

These kids aren’t his family. They’re his son’s girlfriend’s kids.

I suspect the grandfather may have been planning to pay for them but changed his mind when he saw you leaving without a backwards glance presuming they would be paid for somehow. The usual for this situation would be for you to go over to the till with him purse in hand, him to say 'no my treat' and you to say 'thank you, thats very kind'

How old are your sons? By the sound of it the fact they were directly chased by staff with the bill suggests they are adults or at least late teens who appear old enough to be asked to pay.

I think you were rude expecting them to be paid for. I think you could have asked regarding them going to the meal and then at the time of settling up said that you would pay for yourself and your children. Maybe he did it this time on purpose as felt you were rude tagging them along and then having the audacity not to ever say anything when he went up to pay. Perhaps if you had mentioned it he would have covered them on this occasion.

Do you ever pay for the dad?

They're not his kids
She's a fully grown adult who can arrange to pay for her own children

IS it soooo natural for (in this case) (semi step-)DGF to leave a dining table & obliquely pay for who he wants in that 10min, & walk off without a word?
I think, 2 options:
1= DGF actually should have made a gentle whisper to OP & suggest he wasn’t going to be covering the cost of the 2 ‘extra’ meals.
Or 2= OP’s partner should have had a discussion beforehand with his own [non-empathic?]Father, to suggest if there would be 2 extra attending the meal how/which way, would the paying be taken care of.

  Actually If I’d been in DGF’s position I’d have paid &amp; <strong>if </strong>feeling mean would ask the P/DS to repay.

No, it just makes him a bit of a coward to walk away from the situation without saying a word.

So you just invited them along, didn’t think and now you never want to see your boyfriend’s, who you are going to live with, father ever again. It’s all so dramatic.

Did they order the steak?

Easily fixed by extreme and genuine contrition:

‘Dear Fred, I was mortified to realise that I forgot to check with you that it was ok to bring the boys to lunch. I’m so sorry. Thank you again for getting us together for a lovely family afternoon. We really appreciate your kindness and hope to see you soon.’

They're @Puplunchcrasher 's family, but hardly the DP's father's family.

And that is absolutely OK to think on the part of the DP's family - indeed, it's a prudent approach to take. @Puplunchcrasher and her boyfriend have only been together for 2 years, they don't live together - so they haven't made a family household, and the OP says she won't be marrying him. The marriage thing isn't as important as the fact that @Puplunchcrasher is simply the girlfriend - there is no shared family household.

As I've said upthread (together with other posters) in a situation like this, the OP & her boyfriend may have chosen to think of themselves as a "family" but extended family don't have to have such commitment to the OP and her sons.

The OP's sons are not her boyfriend's family's family. They can choose to treat them as such, but it's primarily the boyfriend's choice to treat the OP's sons as his "own" - his extended family don't have to make that choice if they don't want to. Especially as @Puplunchcrasher says they've only met her sons a few times over 2 years, and the boys are teenagers. Hardly a close relationship at all.

Did you know they were going there? Did you know they were going to eat?

You need to stop telling yourself you didnt think and admit to yourself that you assumed he would pay.

The reason you "didnt think" is because you already knew you got paid for and you assumed they would too

Dinner with X = free food. No additional thinking required.

This should have all been handled between the FIL and the boyfriend. The children who were brought along never should have had any idea there was an issue. That is the only real fault.

The boyfriend should have offered to pay (and the boyfriend and girlfriend could settle up however they wanted afterwards). The FIL should have spoken discretely to his son. The staff should have spoken to an adult not the children. This fell down in multiple places.

I do believe you didnt think - but I still think that makes you a cheeky fucker. Lots of CF just dont think.

I find it incredulous that you are judging his dad. You did a very very rude entitled thing. Then you still say 'I could not do what his father did'.

Theres no getting through to you is there.

Er, FiL left first, so how would he see OP leave ?

When the bill came it must have included all the meals so he must have asked for it to be amended and a separate one raised or paid a proportion leaving an amount unpaid at which point he speaks to his son to explain.

What's weird and unbelievable about this is that this man invites 'us' to lunch every few months and pays for the OP, but this is the first time she's taken her kids who are only teens. Where have they been all the other times?

And this time he didn't want to pay for her kids (perhaps fair enough) but was still happy to pay for her?

And didn't mention anything at the time they all ordered together? Just makes no sense on so many levels.