Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

If I were a cheeky fucker I don’t think I would have come on here.

if people don’t believe me when I say i didn’t think they are not going to believe me when I say I can’t remember if I said thank you. I assume I did.

In addition to my sons there were 7 adults and six grandchildren , tweens, teens and a two year old. It was at the end of the meal when he went to pay it was fairly chaotic with the older ones getting up to walk and fuss over the little one.

We are never getting married as we each have kids. I have met these people loads of times and while not as often so have my kids.

The grandfather kissed his granddaughters and shook hands with grandsons and my two with the older one standing up to do it. My younger one forgot that etiquette.

I accept I was rude but it was just thoughtlessness.

It’s my fault that my sons were upset and embarrassed but I could not do what his father did.

What an absolutely UNBELIEVABLE thing to happen OP. Poor you. Literally unbelievable that this could happen. Shocking.

But in this case they are not stepchildren. OP and her boyfriend have only been together 2 years and they don't live together.

You don't accidently take two extra univited guests to dinner no matter what their relationship. If you wanted to take them, your DP should have mentioned it to his father in advance, checked it was ok and offered to pay for them. Then you pay for them at the restaurant unless someone else has specifically offered to pay. Anything else is clear CF territory and very rude.
You claim to be clueless but in my experience, this is what CF do. They turn up, act all innocent and take advantage. If your DP's father had footed the bill he'd have been signalling that it's ok to be taken for a ride but his son's grabby girlfriend. Good for him, for not giving in and just paying.

I really struggle to believe you didn't consider who was paying. To be shocked you must of expected that they where paid for . That's entitled. Id of said as soon as he went to pay the bill send mine and the kids over separately in that situation or asked if I could transfer my portion for my sons over . I think your parents family have made a point to you here . Is DP father well off enough to not feel paying or is he on a certain budget and this is a monthly treat he saves for.

Apparently, she "just didn't think", not even when she was walking out without paying.

OP was a lot more unreasonable not to check with him beforehand and clarify who was paying.
Once she'd turned up with the boys there was no way he could say that they weren't welcome without really seeming ungracious.

You should get your partner's father together with the family of the vegan woman whose birthday it was. They'd get on like a house on fire.

Your partner definitely should have checked if the children joining the meal was appropriate.
I think you were both very presumptuous in your actions.
Your partners father has made this point clearly.

You were wrong Op and very entitled .

Ouch!

OK , you could have reassured FIL that you would cover your boys bill.

And your FIL could have picked up the tab and then discreetly spoken to his son to say ‘lovely to see the boys but I hadn’t planned on covering their meal, so transfer some ££ ?’

What he did was brutal and graceless.

Tell your boys it’s all fine it was a misunderstanding and for the adults to sort out, they have done nothing wrong.

When you go out either your DP do you not offer to pay for yourself and your own kids?

I can’t imagine not offering.

Surely you would offer to pay for yourself under these circumstances, let alone your kids too.

If you simply hadn’t got there before them to pay, then fine - but then why are you annoyed at the father for doing this.

When I go out with a large group, they go up and pay on the way to the toilet etc and it gets crossed off the list.
I don’t then get offended because my bill hasn’t been paid.

I wonder if she does that in shops...

I’ve been with my husband for 32 years and have 5 kids with him . His dad pays when he brings the family out but we all offer to pay - of course !! AND we all thank him afterwards .
This is completely on YOU and your partner . You should not have brought your kids in the first place without asking . And you most definitely should have paid for them.
I’m embarrassed for you .

bunch of cheapskates in this forum. Why single out a couple of kids and not say it to anyone? He has a son and he could have said something to him. Also, if he’s paying for a whole Sunday meal to 10 people, why not pay for 2 extra and then mention not to be repeated? What kind of weirdness is that? I know most around here disagree but some kindness and decorum is better than being right. Come on.
It’s not a matter of money, it just shows how much he thinks of these kids as part of his family.
That ain’t blending OP. And as someone said above, are you sure about moving in next year? Wanna subject your kids to this?
I’m mot a freeloader but anyone behaving like this for a couple of Sunday roast dishes, need to get binned with his entire family.

That is on you if you didn't think. Obviously food has to be paid for at a restaurant! And you invited them without letting anyone know.

You're way out of line not wanting to see him again over this, he did nothing wrong. You sound very dramatic.

Pay for yours and your childrens meals next time and going forward. Very odd for them to be left out and just the fact nothing was said would probably put me off going again. Very odd situation imo. Would make me question if FIL likes you/your children 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s my fault that my sons were upset and embarrassed but I could not do what his father did.

What did his father do? He assumed that you would pay for your children, that had not been invited to the meal and that you weren't just expecting him to do so.

I’m personally shocked by reading just the first few pages. These are not strangers or friends of guests- but family really and as all other children and grandchildren there of course ops children should go!

With such a large group, I can only assume they had booked a table. Just logistically bringing extra people is going to be awkward

Yes I guess I would have done that but when she didn't he should have said something. It is making them look like thieves that wad unacceptable. But also her partner could have clarified the position with his dad too.

As if it was his in any way his responsibility to pick up the tab in order to cover up OP’s faux pas.

leaving OP to pay the bill for her own uninvited children is neither brutal nor graceless. He may even have assumed that OP was intending to pay, just as she had assumed he would.

If someone else is always known to pay, why on earth would you casually start to invite others along with no word of who is going to pay for them? I get that it must have been embarrassing, but you're in the wrong here. You should have stumped up the money upfront (or explained your intention to do so).

Better still, get OP together with the vegan woman's relatives! Then they could take it in turns to invite themselves to other people's events, dictate a change of restaurant and then walk out without paying.

I don’t think it was the fact that he didn’t pay for them, it was the way it was done. He left without saying a word. He could have pulled his son aside and told him that OP would have to cover her sons’ meals, rather than this embarrassing scenario.