Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

I that were the case they could have spoken to son after the fact and suggested they take them out next time; or suggested splitting the bill. Instead they chose to single out the two children and make them feel unwelcome for their mother's mistake . They were prepared to pay for the mum but not her kids. It says it all.
They have drawn a clear line in the sand as to how welcoming and sensitive they will be. OP doesn't need to expose her sons to this.
At least wait until they are grown.

I wondered about that

Wouldn't "DP's partner's son" be his own brother? (Or even himself?!)

Glad I’m not the only person who thought that too

I'm not saying you brought your kids to mooch off your partner's father, but I don't believe for a minute you never gave any thought to who was paying for your children's bill. That just isn't reasonable.

You should know op that you pay for your own kids.

I don’t see an issue with them coming along but you should have made it know to your partners father from the beginning that you would be paying for their meal.

You are quite frankly being a hypocrite by saying you’ll never talk to him again as if he is the one who has done something wrong when you could actually flip this to his POV where he sees you as an incredibly cheeky fucker who just expected him to foot the bill for two extra people who he doesn’t know.

You need to stop stomping your feet like a 5 year old and text your partners father and tell him you’re sorry that you didn’t think about the situation and you didn’t meant to put him in a very awkward dilemma.

This isn’t about you, so stop making it that way.

I don’t believe that it didn’t pass your thoughts about who would pay for their meal and if that genuinely is what happened you need to ask yourself why you feel so entitled that it didnt cross your mind.

Yes I agree with this.
We all have lapses of judgement or times we don't think things through. But in this situation, once you learned their meals weren't paid for, you think 'Oh crap, I didn't think of that!' pay, job done never mention it again.

You don't blame DP's Father! What's he actually done wrong?

Sure about blending next year?

It’s not rude to decline to suck up someone else’s rudeness.

The father was unreasonable in that he didn't pull you aside before the bill came and said I am happy for the boys to join us but would ask you cover their share. Leaving it to make it look like they were skipping out is unreasonable and unacceptable.

I assumed her partner had a son and her own son was embarrassed that he’d been shown up in front of him regarding the staff member running after him to say he needed to pay - or that he worried the other teen would think he was a rude freeloader 🤷‍♀️

You were extremely rude op.

I feel sad and angry for OP's teen sons in this situation. The GP was insensitive. He could have taken OP and/or her DP to one side and quietly asked them to pay for the boys.
OP has been shown how her boys are viewed if they are not specifically invited to an event. I think it would be in OP's children's best interest for her to review the whole partner moving in next year and the potential blended family situation.

Good for the FiL!! How rude for you to turn up to a family meal you knew he was paying for with TWO uninvited guests. I’d have been fuming.

I actually think you've all behaved appallingly. You for turning up with two people and not having a conversation about the bill - and just seemingly expecting your boyfriend's father to pay for your children who he does not know. Your boyfriend's father for just paying for only his family without letting you know. My children are included as grandchildren by my partner's parents - but we've been together for six years and they've known them for just as long. Your children are strangers to your boyfriend's father so I just don't understand why you wouldn't have the conversation and offer to cover their meals instead of putting him in the position where he had to decline.

I would have expected the DP to have taken charge tbh - it's his family and his partner with DC so he is the vital link to make these interactions go smoothly.

Your partner should have run it past his parents before bringing your kids OP (and you should have checked with him that he had done this before going).

Your FIL should have taken your partner aside at the meal to sort out the issue of paying for your sons' meals. Ideally it shouldn't have reached your ears until later on, and it shouldn't have reached your sons' ears at all.

This is a meal where a man treats his children and grandchildren.

his son brings his girlfriend and she gets her meal paid for. It is clear from the context that the girlfriend’s children were not invited by the host. Does this need to be explicitly stated?

There's no GP here. The OP's kids are nothing to her boyfriend, let alone her boyfriend's parents!

My relationship with them could never the be the same! I think this gives you a glimpse of how they perceive your children and yours/their position in the “family”. It seems like maybe you felt quite comfortable and welcomed by them so, didn’t think he would pull something like this.

I think actually what he did wrong was to not say anything. He put the OP and her children in the position of thinking - obviously wrongly that they'd got a free meal - and so when they went to leave, they discovered that wasn't the case. Had they left without being noticed it's not out of the realms of possibility to think that the OP and her children could have been plastered all over social media/the press as a runaway diner. That's the shitty behaviour by the boyfriend's dad. But that doesn't negate the appalling way the OP has behaved.

Exactly! He doesn’t have to pay but could have raised it with his son, rather than having the staff chasing after you. There are a million ways this could have been dealt it.

The children are preteens, surely they already know they are not family by now, don't they? They are not toddlers. OP should apologise to the children and FIL, the embarassing situation is on her 100% and she put the kids in that situation, not the FIL.

You owe your son's an apology for creating an embarrassing situation for them. You should explain that DP's father didn't know there would be additional guests and he rightly thought you were incredibly rude to assume he would pay. You need to make it clear that you are at fault and it's not because DP's family are unwelcoming. If you encourage your sons to thinks DP's dad is tight you will make them as thoughtless as entitled as you. You should also apologise to DP's dad for putting him in an awkward situation.

Very good point! It looks like neither the OP nor her DC have any manners at all.

I was once in a vaguely similar position. A friend and I wanted to take the couple who'd given us such wonderful hospitality out for dinner after they hosted an amazing party and had both of us to stay overnight, etc. Another couple (whom we didn't know) who were also at the party overheard discussion of it and invited themselves along. Turned out they didn't have cash or any other means of reimbursing us, so friend and I ended up also paying for the meals and drinks of two complete strangers (to us). To say I was enraged about it is to say the least. Cheeky fecking fuckery.

They were really embarrassed, so your theory that they wouldn't feel unwelcome is already proven wrong.