Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

Oh come on, OP. You brought 2 extra people who weren't invited to lunch and then didn't give a moment's thought to who was paying for their meals? How unbelievably rude of you!
And now you don't wan't to see the person who pays for these meals - yours included - again because you're offended? You should be apologising to him.

Exactly. She’s not going to bring anyone in the future because if she had any sense she’d just not go.

No she didn't. At best she didn't even consider who would be paying for the uninvited guests, at worst she was expecting someone else to pay.

An honest mistake indeed 🙄

It wasn’t rude to take your sons.

it was a complete miscommunication.

His dad got up to pay and you assumed he’d paid your sons too.

His dad dodnt say he wasn’t paying when he went to settle the bill.

Next time before the meal just say “Dave shall i order my ds food separately or transfer you the money for theirs to pay as 1 bill?”

DH and I regularly take out our 3 DCs and their partners and foot the bill. It’s an expensive endeavour - initially it used to only be one DC had a partner and it was one extra mouth to feed but over time they all seem to be in relationships and we end up footing the bill for an additional 3. It’s nice and we don’t mind doing it but it’s very expensive. No doubt when one of them gets married and has kids those grandchildren will be included and the costs will start to creep up. What I’m trying to say is that your DPs father may appear “loaded” but this arrangement has probably evolved over time and it’s probably a major expense for him. To have you show such sheer entitlement that the “loaded” grandad can just pay probably really irked him..to be honest he’s probably more pissed off with his son than he is with you as this is something he should have cleared with him first. So yes you were cheeky and entitled but I think your DP was also a bit of a dick to let this situation evolve - he should have stepped in and told his dad he was picking up your end of the tab instead of assuming his dad would just do it. While we like to treat our kids, we don’t like to feel taken advantage of. Also, the fact that your DCs are teens and will probably never be step parented by your DP probably means that there is no guarantee they will ever be seen on the same level as bloodline grandkids or ones that might have been incorporated into the family at a very young age. That’s just life and you shouldn’t feel offended. You DCs have their own grandparents to treat them.

He's bought her multiple lunches before.
That doesn't mean an open invitation to her family.
What next? Her mother is staying for the weekend, add her on too?

OP I think your intense feelings are because you know you did something wrong, you ASSUMED you could spend FIL’s money.

FIL did nothing wrong and politely left you to pay..suggesting this means you will no longer see him is WAY over the top.

Did he pay for you? If yes and you are going to reject him ..honour would mean you should repay his hospitality

Ridiculous comment, them 2 don't even live together, what is the FIL obligation to feed them kids? Most of all is the principle of it, how rude of OP to make the assumption that her kids meal can be paid by someone else and not even offer or "give it a second thought". Who does she think she is? Good for FIL for putting boundaries in place. If the sexes were reversed it would be an uproar here.

This

Jessica, if you can hear me above the din, we do not operate on a social etiquette system whereby anything not explicitly outlawed, in red capitals, is to be taken as sanctioned and acceptable in every circumstance.

These lads are on a very different footing from everyone included in this gathering, and for good reason, from a general understanding of ‘family’.
That will change once our heedless heroine actually sets up home with, or marries, the gentleman’s son but for the moment, she herself is still a newcomer, and naturally hasn’t family privileges yet.
Anyone not raised by wolves should comprehend this distinction.

Exactly this. OP didn’t care who was paying for her children - she just knew it wasn’t her. Whether that was the FIL or the restaurant not getting paid, she was so entitled that she didn’t care who foot the bill.

Was there a really awkward moment where OP thanked FIL for paying for her and her sons meal and he didn’t mention anything? If so, I agree FIL is in the wrong… but the way the OP tells the story she didn’t even thank FIL for her meal. I genuinely can’t imagine not thanking my in laws for either paying for or making me a meal. That’s the rudest part here.

neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family
How old are they? Because the quote makes it sound like he wouldn’t pay for two £6 kids meals, did they have a cheap kids meal or order from the adult menu?

In my family in this situation my father would pay for his son's step children without hesitation and entirely without thinking. As would I for my step nephews in a similar situation. Of course he and I could afford to. Lack of funds is the only reason I see as acceptable in this scenario.

Ah yes, I often make the honest mistake of walking out of a restaurant assuming that I didn't need to pay for the dinners my children had ordered and eaten. Happens to me all the time...

Oh man. 🙄

But they have never taken them before , the OP and her partner don't live together, they have only known each other for two years. They are in a relatively new relationship they are not a blended family . So why would he assume his son would bring two extra guests with him?

Stop with the “even though you were driving” comment.
You don’t know who drank and who didn’t, who was driving and who wasn’t.
It’s ok to have half a pint and drive even if you don’t personally drink anything before driving. Your sneering comment only reflects badly on you.

You were a bit thoughtless bringing them along and just expecting them to be paid for without anyone inviting them. Still it made for an awkward situation. Never giving a thought to who is going to pay may be rather annoying for your relatives and friends from their point of view.

They aren’t his son’s stepchildren. They are not married; they don’t even live together.

They are not step kids. They are the kids of the woman he is dating. Don't even live together.

Step children, maybe so. But that does not apply here.

I find it really hard to believe that you 'just didn't think'.
I wouldn't have just taken them either, I'd have had your DP say to his family 'Is it OK to bring the boys?'

It was an awkward and embarrassing moment, but not wanting anything to do with your partner's father will only make things much worse and sabotage your future with your partner. If you want this relationship to go the distance, you should go on as though this never happened, as far as he's concerned, but be aware that he will not be footing the bill for your sons at any future gatherings. Try to smooth things over with your sons and minimise it. If you make it bigger than it is, you're not doing them any favours.

I went out to a bar for hours - with the only intention of my outing to be to go to a bar - and drove last week. I had many soft drinks and not a single alcoholic drink.

I can only imagine that scenario would blow PP’s mind.

I was out with a friend and her partner recently. Her partner went to go the bar and asked what she wanted over the top of my head, without asking me. I'm fine with getting my own drink and don't expect people to pay for me, but it felt extremely rude. This feels similar. On paper, he did nothing wrong and doesn't owe you anything, in the real world where manners and decorum grease the wheels of society, it's pretty poor behaviour.