DH refusing to look after the kids whilst working from home!

[Beckyboo8]

It’s half term and we both work from home in senior management jobs! DH is in the bedroom working from home and is refusing to have the kids in the room while he’s working and he’s refusing to help look after them during his working hours! So I’m having to work from home at the dining table while having to look after 3 going children with SEN! I feel like I’m going insane already and it’s only Monday! AIBU to think DH should also help look after the kids whilst working from home?

I can’t put my children in a holiday club because of their SEN! The last holiday club they were in wouldn’t have them because they couldn’t manage their autism and their meltdowns.

"Both in senior management positions?"

Yeah, pretty sure this isn't the case...

And your colleagues
we hate it it

I was about to say two 'Senior Managers' should be capable of managing this situation.

Oh well spotted. It’s a half term wind up.

You are both in senior management jobs. Hire childcare.

If OP claims three sets of DLA that also helps.

Are you able to perform ok in your job op? We certainly don’t allow people to look after kids while working from home, most employers don’t. While your DH is being selfish, he is right that when he is WFH, he is working, not looking after children. This should be your stance too, and you need to source appropriate childcare care.

This is mad. Sorry to be brutal but holding down 2 senior management jobs with 3 young children with SEN was always going to be a challenge but I don’t know why an earth you think that either of you can work from home AND look after them. I’d get sacked if I tried that.

This is what leave (annual leave/ carers leave/ parental leave) is for. Or if you’ve both decided to continue working you hire a nanny and pay for it.

You are BOTH being spectacularly unreasonable not to have worked together to come up with a plan. But I feel most sorry for your kids who are probably having a shit time and/ or spectacularly disregulated whilst you and your DH compete to see whose job is most important.

(And by the way yes the answer to this is usually who gets paid more so if you could answer that question that would be helpful).

Pack up your stuff, tell your crappy husband you've been called into the office.

Edited to add the important bit - then leave the house and see how he likes working with three children milling around.

It's impossible. Someone has to be not working to look after the children, especially as there are 3 of them and they all have ALN. Or you find a childcare solution that works with their additional learning needs. Your current set up is not sustainable.

It's obviously completely unfair and inequitable for your husband to prioritise his own work over yours but I'm also unsure about how you've not had this conversation already? Especially as there are three children, this can't be the first time you've had this issue.

There are 39 weeks of school and usually 13 weeks of school holidays in a normal year. Most UK workplaces allow for 5.6+ weeks of annual leave in a year. The maths doesn't add up for full time working families with two full time working parents so SOMETHING has to give, something has to be in place.

This is why we lost our minds during Covid. We're not supposed to be able to function at our best in our jobs WHILE caring for children.

With sen kids something to give. My dh worked away, childcare didnt work so I took unpaid term time leave every and held onto my job by fingers nails.

What does your work think about that? Are they aware they are paying you to look after three SEN children? It's harsh, but this is why unpaid parental leave exists.

This was my first thought! I'd be VERY pissed off if I were an employer finding out staff were undertaking full-time childcare whilst working. I'd also be massively irritated by any colleagues doing this whilst expecting me or any other team member to pick up their slack, too.

The bottom line I am afraid is that you cannot both work from home full time and look after three disabled children who are at home with you.

Just that. Ok, you have no annual leave left so, given that you're both in senior positions, one of you will have to take unpaid leave. How on earth do you manage on normal school days, bearing in mind that the,school day mostly ends,at 3 ish?

Are your employers, yoyrs and his, aware that you're caring for 3 children while you're being paid to work for them?

Bit late for this week, but you really need to employ a nanny. They do exist

sorry posted too soon - meant to say they (nannies) do exist for SEN kids.

Go and work in the office, or have a meeting you need to be at in person. He'll have to look after them then.

It really pisses me off the way some men seem to think that parenting is nothing to do with them.

Are there really no holiday clubs for children with special needs? Many areas do have them (very much needed).
Sorry your husband is so useless - don't know how you put up with this.

This is the only acceptable response

I have friends who have a couple of SEN kids who can't manage the holiday clubs. What they basically do is individually take their annual leave to cover the holidays. They both buy an extra week, so that leaves only 1 week that isn't covered.
Obviously not ideal that they can't have family holidays together, but that's just the way it is unfortunately.

One or both of you should be taking annual leave or parental leave. You are taking the absolute piss to expect to be paid for carrying out senior management duties whilst looking after 3 kids.

Your DH needs to start parenting his children. Of course it’s hard, but that’s what parents do. Between you, you should be able to cover holidays and half-terms with annual leave. You may need to take occasional extra unpaid days off for e.g. inset days. But you cannot do childcare for three SEN children while wfh.

The alternative is for you to resign and tell him he now needs to start paying you, as well as covering all household and family costs.

I assume you earn a pretty decent salary based on your job description. Therefore the solution is obvious: divorce him, and then he will have no choice but to do 50% of the childcare.

YABU just for the exclamation marks.
Also, this is why wfh isn't always trusted.

or childcare.co.uk