DH refusing to look after the kids whilst working from home!

[Beckyboo8]

It’s half term and we both work from home in senior management jobs! DH is in the bedroom working from home and is refusing to have the kids in the room while he’s working and he’s refusing to help look after them during his working hours! So I’m having to work from home at the dining table while having to look after 3 going children with SEN! I feel like I’m going insane already and it’s only Monday! AIBU to think DH should also help look after the kids whilst working from home?

I can’t put my children in a holiday club because of their SEN! The last holiday club they were in wouldn’t have them because they couldn’t manage their autism and their meltdowns.

You are both unreasonable. No wonder people rant about WFH. Isn't this what that parental leave thing is for? Maybe not as it didn't exist when mine were small. Anyway how the hell can you work with three SEND children bopping about? You're conning your employer. Do hope you aren't a civil servant.

The problem here is your husband is a cunt. Unless he’s earning £500k to your £15k then his job is not more important.

However, my understanding is that childcare for children with SEN is a nightmare, and you have my full sympathy. If you asked for unpaid parental leave or changed your contract would that be possible with your employer? Does your husband share all money with you equally?

I'm not having a go by the way. I just think it's easier to plan for the husband you've actually got than expect things will be different this time.

So anyone who has kids that have SEN and can't use holiday clubs - their only options are to either make so much money they can afford a specialist nanny, give up all financial independence, downsize their life, quit their job and go on benefits?

Do you not see what is wrong with that?

Why is it that people's kneejerk reaction is - yours taking the piss trying to wfh and juggle childcare - and not - how awful that this parent has no other option than to try and juggle childcare whilst working?

Even if it's rage bait, we all know people abusing wfh. So not as far fetched as it seems.

OP - you can't work while looking after your children. Nor can DH.

You need to take annual leave; take unpaid leave; work opposite hours around DH; or pay for childcare. If they are fine in their own home (and it's going to an unfamiliar setting that causes the meltdowns) maybe consider paying a carer to come in daily?

First post nails it. After your updates you have a massive DH issue - marriage and children are a partnership not one person doing 100% of everything

WFH with 3 kids but still time to go on mumsnet…. Okkkkk

I agree, usual daily CF WFH thread.

You should have booked childcare or covered by annual leave or unpaid leave.

your husband is right is it being paid to work, as are you

He refuses to use his annual leave to cover the kids school holidays?? What does he use his on than??

So did you expect your DH to mind the kids while hes WFH so you can WHF in peace? How does that work?

I’m sorry OP, this sounds unimaginably hard.

While you already know YABU to expect to work and do childcare, obviously your husband is MORE U to expect you just to deal with it while he gets on with his big man job.

Just get through this week the best you can, maybe check your local Facebook for babysitters / helpers you could pay by the hour to stay in the house with you and take some of the pressure off (with you there as responsible adult).

You then need a sit down with your husband to discuss Christmas holidays asap, if he won’t have a sit down chat about an issue that’s driving you to breaking point, you have bigger issues. Come prepared with a plan and on your working days DON’T work from home or you’ll get dragged back into childcare.

Typical annual leave is ~6 weeks, whereas schools are off for ~13 weeks a year. Taking unpaid leave might mean that they cant afford to cover the bills that month. Nannies and specialise carers cost a fortune.

I'm not saying WFH whilst looking after kids is right. In fact, its very wrong. But SEN parents and kids have been so badly let down with a lack of support that its either this or give it all up and become one of those benefits scroungers everyone loves moaning about

Would you take your children into the office? So why is it ok to look after them when working from home?

Are you seriously telling us that you work from home full-time in a senior management position, yet still have time to look after 3 neurodiverse children AND post on Mumsnet? I'd get sacked for that sort of unprofessionalism. You need to employ a nanny or pay for specialist childcare. You're taking the piss otherwise.

YANBU. You are both their parents so caring should fall to him as well. I'd suggest booking unpaid parental leave if annual leave is a problem.

As your children are disabled you don't have to book it in weekly blocks so can share the week with him.

Is he always this selfish?

Then he’s a dick. You need a different solution as neither of you should be looking after them while working. And the problem is you both to solve. not just you.

Poor kids - with a father who refuses to engage with them.

I thought there was parental leave that could be used in circumstances like this? I don’t think you should be left to do it all, but I don’t think either should be trying to WFH at the same time.

Why didnt you think of this before !!!!!

YABU for thinking this week would be different to any other when you haven’t done anything to make it different.

YABU to think working while caring for children is appropriate, never mind 3 SEN children. One of you should have taken leave/parental leave. You need to do that now - ideally you both take 2 days each this week.

YABU to have had 3 children with a man who thinks parenting is your job alone.

YABU to risk disciplinary procedures for taking the absolute piss out of your employers.

Presumably you're paid senior management wages to work not to look after your children on company time?

Is there a particular reason neither of you arranged childcare or took annual leave?
Otherwise, it is Monday lunchtime. There is only so much sharing of the load that could have happened by this point.

You need to share your annual leave and book half a week off each. This is one of the reasons WFH gets a bad rep and employers are trying to stop it. Everyone else in your company who are juggling their leave, paying for care and doing the full time job they are paid to do will be fuming if they find out. I know it’s hard, but (unless you are self employed) your employer will expect your mind on the job for the hours they are paying you. Both of you are being unreasonable though, this is not your issue alone, but a joint issue to solve.

It’s unpaid, and employer has to agree when it gets used.