DH refusing to look after the kids whilst working from home!

[Beckyboo8]

It’s half term and we both work from home in senior management jobs! DH is in the bedroom working from home and is refusing to have the kids in the room while he’s working and he’s refusing to help look after them during his working hours! So I’m having to work from home at the dining table while having to look after 3 going children with SEN! I feel like I’m going insane already and it’s only Monday! AIBU to think DH should also help look after the kids whilst working from home?

I can’t put my children in a holiday club because of their SEN! The last holiday club they were in wouldn’t have them because they couldn’t manage their autism and their meltdowns.

I gave multiple options though including a childminder etc.

You yourself are saying that you couldn’t work, OP is trying to be a two working person household, then complaining when her husband won’t do childcare when he is meant to be working, well of course he won’t.

Between them they need to work out how to arrange their lives to suit the family they have, not the easy family that they would have originally expected. That might mean bringing in someone to look after the children, it may mean unpaid time off, it may even mean having just one of them working. But doing your own childcare while working from home is not the solution.

Then someone needs to be at home with them and not working, simple as that or you find a nanny who will take them. How did you get to having three children without thinking about what was going to happen in school holidays?

How do they manage with three SEN children and senior positions?

Senior management has a responsibility to set an example to the rest of the staff, including not looking after their children when they are ‘working from home’.

Hi op take emergency unpaid leave hit your husband in the pocket he might soon learn to book annual leave otherwise this is your life going forward mums always bear the brunt of it but your dh is a useless twat tbh.

I can think of plenty who do tbh. Senior managers aren’t some paragons of virtue with no problems at home

You can think of plenty of senior manager who have 3 SEN children?

no I can think of plenty I’ve known through my career who manage major issues at home and mange to work at the same time. Including childcare.

Half term is not an emergency.

I don't say this lightly @Beckyboo8 but I think you would be better off away from him because he is deliberately worse than useless and a totally crap father and husband. I could have no respect for such a man. It would be hard probably, but isn't this?

If they both had to work on site though like so many of us they would have to find a solution wouldn't they...?!

Yes but that solution may be to leave the job.

they don’t work on site so it hasnt reached this critical level yet

Do you know how many people have to give up work for this exact reason? Despite having a lucrative career and being very successful I had no option but to reduce to a 3 day week, it was the absolute maximum we could manage.

I've known a woman who was a very successful science lecturer have to give up her career for years, I know a man who was in senior management have to leave his job, it often comes down to which parents arms more and which is more capable co providing care.

Prior to WFH being widespread many many Sen parents were unable to work.

ThT said I absolutely couldn't work and care for my eldest, I had to during COVID when he was 2 and I would rather starve at this stage than do it again. My mental health was in my boots.

There is the possibility here that at least 1 child or possibly 2 has been consummated without the DH’s agreement so he’s gone into fuck you mode, you wanted this so it’s on you to do the lions share. Other than that he’s a total misogynistic twat.

All those exclamation marks - your posts don't read like something written by a senior executive, tbh. If you're genuine: It's extremely difficult for young people, and not just young people, to find work these days. So you find someone local (try advertising in your local Facebook group) to nanny the children for you at your home while you're there. They don't have to be qualified because you'll be able to help out if there's an emergency. You are well off, so you can pay a fair market rate, and you stop essentially stealing from your employer (or from the taxpayer if you work in the public sector). It's not rocket science.

Whereas I have a family member with PDA who would sit in his room the majority of the day playing Lego, but cause merry hell in the care of a nanny, childminder or specialist holiday camp. So there must be plenty of people who can do it, it’s just hard and frustrating.

wtf?!? What a bizarre thought

Why does he think that?

Can you leave him? If you're well paid and he does eff all anyway would you be better off?

A typical childminder is highly unlikely to be able to take on 3 SEND children, especially if they already have other children in their care. Some options are simply unrealistic when SEND children are involved.

I agree that working from home isn't the solution and it will likely have to involve OP giving up her career but I can understand why she is struggling to come to that decision as she is the higher earner and obviously doesn't have a very supportive husband.

If you have a child who tolerates it and hour work doesn't suffer then great, particularly once they're older. I get the impression op has 3 in early primary school?

If either of mine had to come home sick at 8 and 5 my husband who WFH the days I work could pick 1 of them up and give them an activity to manage a few hours as a one off.

Thankfully my children's school has an on site after school the kids love for the familiarity and staff they've known for years.

There are many many people who are forced out of work because they have no childcare options for their sen children.

My eldest had epilepsy, any childcare had to undergo first aid and seizure training including administeeing medication during a seizure. Not all children are able to be cared for by a teen etc.

However given she's WFH I disagree with my own point. If I could have een in the house for emergencies having just a second pair of hands would have solved the issue.

Op is there a reason you can't pay a student to be in the house? Wrangling the kids and making their lunches etc?

Would he really leave them alone?

Would they let him work?

What if you tried?

But having a babysitter in the house while they both WFH on hand as needed is possibly the solution

There’s quite a few people I know who apparently had an “accidental” third pregnancy, mams were over the moon, dads looked non too happy. AKA consummated accidentally - “on purpose.” It happens all the time.

Not what you said

How is it though? An employer should be able to expect the same attention to work from wfh as in the office. If they are both ‘on hand’ then they arent giving that.