DH refusing to look after the kids whilst working from home!

[Beckyboo8]

It’s half term and we both work from home in senior management jobs! DH is in the bedroom working from home and is refusing to have the kids in the room while he’s working and he’s refusing to help look after them during his working hours! So I’m having to work from home at the dining table while having to look after 3 going children with SEN! I feel like I’m going insane already and it’s only Monday! AIBU to think DH should also help look after the kids whilst working from home?

I can’t put my children in a holiday club because of their SEN! The last holiday club they were in wouldn’t have them because they couldn’t manage their autism and their meltdowns.

This is why companies want enployees at work. You’re both taking the piss. Take alternate days off and parent while the other works. What a fucking joke.

He sounds like a right prince amongst men! I'm so sick of hearing about guys like this. Ok, he won't take A/L to parent his kids during holidays (and you can't force him, because if you could, I'm sure you'd have done this by now - and then patented your formula for doing this so that more women could get sorted!). Are you able to pay for a sitter/nanny to come in for watching the kids at whilst you both WFH? I guess that would be the only thing you can really do.

FWIW, I hear you on the difficulty of juggling parenthood, FT work and childcare - and my DC are NT (so must be more tricky with DC who are ND). I used to have a husband (up til nearly 8yrs ago), who also wasn't reliable (or fit enough!) to look after the DC. I divorced him (for a multitude of reasons). I used a collab of nursery, school wraparound care, holiday clubs, CMs, and sitters according to when I was working (I'm a nurse, so nothing snazzy). If I could have afforded it though (and had the spare room at home), I definitely would have employed a nanny - easier for the shift work I did, more continuity of care, less running about like a blue-assed fly trying to coordinate childcare with shift times, nanny would have looked after a poorly kid etc. Can you do that?

No it doesn't. Childcare settings such as holiday clubs have refused to take OP's children due to their severe SEN.

What does he use his annual leave for then? (I can guess, but seeing as you have come back…….)

What do you see in him? He sounds absolutely awful. Ditch him and contact a nanny agency.

Appt with a divorce lawyer, obviously.

If I owned a company I’d have everyone in the office because of situations like this. I think it happens more than people admit and at least you are honest OP. If senior managers are taking the piss like this then you can guarantee others in the company are as well.

Why are you even still with him? You earn more than him so your job is more important than his in that sense.

I honestly dont know what you want us to say because you just keep repeating the same thing over and over, him refusing to help. Honestly I would go into the office for the rest of the week and if he neglects his children I would be starting divorce proceedings.

How utterly boring for the three children if nothing else

1. Use annual leave
2. Try again with holiday clubs
3. Take unpaid parental leave
4. One of you starts WFH at 6am, one at 10 or 11am (or works evenings) and then split childcare accordingly
5. Go into the office and let your DH deal with it.
6. Call in favours
7. Sit your DH down and talk at him until he gets it
8. Leave him.

I know you’ve got reasons as to why you can’t do each of those, but other than keep on as you are, that’s all there is. No-one has a magic wand for you.

How did you get to senior management roles but can’t manage to get a nanny or take leave to look after the kids you chose to have?

You should both be taking annual leave separately during school holidays. This is why home working is being reduced. Child minding and working from home don’t work unless you are a child minder. Home workers should treat their working day as seriously as if they were in an office.

Maybe, I’m being optimistic, but I’d be hoping that a decent family solicitor would be able to get a OP a good settlement that would enable her to employ a nanny, either on an ad-hoc or permanent basis.

Let’s face it, a professional caregiver is likely to provide more stability for the children than a shit dad who is present yet does nothing for them.

Well I feel sorry for the colleagues working under you and above you this week. Because they’re not going to get a lot of work out of either of you….

If he is less senior it is maybe more obvious to his employer that he isn’t actually working but is stopping little Willy having a temper tantrum then playing with Sarah rather than getting on with his job.

Why are you with this piece of shit man?

My point is he needs to also help! Any solution where it’s just her (apart from
Divorce) isn’t fair and will
impact her job.

How does being a senior manager role magic up a nanny that 3 SEn kids will accept being cared for by?

Are you scared of him OP? I can’t imagine why you’ve enabled this and haven’t firmly challenged him.

Why won't he take annual leave? What does he use his for? Does he ever have them alone?

How on earth does this work then?

You are the main/ greater breadwinner and yet he thinks his job is too important for him to have anything to do with childcare?

Why does he think he can have it all ways?

I doubt @Beckyboo8 will be back to answer these very relevant questions

If my direct reports were wfh while looking after 3 young children for planned rather than emergency reasons I would be VERY UNIMPRESSED - whether this was 50 or 100% of the time.

I really dislike colleagues swinging the lead and being paid to look after their children at home when supposed to be working. Leaving the rest of us to cover for them when distracted or under performing during key working hours. Sort it out!

I didn't say she hadn't tried- I'm trying to say it's obviously make or break time. Something has to give in their set up- if he is that rigid one or both of their jobs is at risk anyway, as well as it being far from ideal for the children. If a compromise can't be found on sharing paid and unpaid leave equally then childcare will have to be funded from somewhere and with 3 children with additional needs that is going to be expensive. If this carries on their income may be impacted anyway. There seems to be no partnership.