DH refusing to look after the kids whilst working from home!

[Beckyboo8]

It’s half term and we both work from home in senior management jobs! DH is in the bedroom working from home and is refusing to have the kids in the room while he’s working and he’s refusing to help look after them during his working hours! So I’m having to work from home at the dining table while having to look after 3 going children with SEN! I feel like I’m going insane already and it’s only Monday! AIBU to think DH should also help look after the kids whilst working from home?

I can’t put my children in a holiday club because of their SEN! The last holiday club they were in wouldn’t have them because they couldn’t manage their autism and their meltdowns.

I think divorcing him is a fair option, but it does carry the risk of even less respite for OP, and potential deterioration in 3 autistic children who may be unable to cope with this change to their lives. So not straightforward

Yeah I wouldn’t be able to carry on with this situation though. He opts out of all discussions on childcare for his three high-needs children. He uses his annual holiday for himself and to never cover childcare. And he earns less than her….

I do wonder what happened when they were young though. If he was always like this…?

OP, I ask with kindness what does DH offer to this marriage? He seems to be operating as a single working man and leaving you with the brunt of everything else from what you’ve said x

Then leave the twat. Let him work out how his big important job fits in around solo parenting 50% of the time.

I'm honestly not sure why you've not done something about this before?

No OP, you CAN get appropriate childcare, you just don't seem to want to pay for it.
Your three children are SEN.
Their behaviour has been inappropriate for holiday clubs.
Therefore you need to employ someone with specialised knowledge and experience with looking after children with SEN.
Neither of you should be looking after three children whilst working from home.

Exactly. Saying he “refuses to help” with a million exclamation marks isn’t going to achieve anything and actually comes across as rage bait. Even I, as someone who sympathises with you, am starting to find it irritating. So many people have given you helpful suggestions such as opening the bedroom door, telling the kids to go to him, going to work in a cafe and your response is “but he refuses to help”. If your responses to this thread are any indication of how conversations with your DH go, it’s obvious he continues to say no because you presumably moan about it and then take no action to change the situation.

I’d also just tell him what is happening- he doesn’t need to engage.

’I covered last school holidays - you are covering this week. I shall be working from the office’. Then you go out and leave him.

Some posters also lack imagination though. When that doesn’t work you leave the house in the morning, work elsewhere - library, coffee shop, co-working space, actual office - and then come back later to do your childcare shift. You interrupt him every single time the children need something.

husband quitting his job? Her salary is more.

There are two different issues here.

Is DH unreasonable to refuse to do childcare while he is WFH? No, he is not being unreasonable about this issue, it's a sackable offence in many companies.

Is DH unreasonable to refuse to discuss childcare arrangements for school holidays and do his share of parenting? Yes, he is being very unreasonable, especially concerning their level of needs.

OP, your original post was misleading.

I am not of the LTB persuasion, but there are times when a frank discussion about a different living arrangement might be needed if no other compromise can seemingly be reached.

YABU to expect to work with 3 children at home. You have my sympathies because your DH is being exceptionally unreasonable. There must be some kind of nannying service available, surely? I’ve just looked and there is. Might cost you £1000+ for a week though? You need to sit down and discuss it with him. Could you say you have to work from the office to force him to be a proper parent?

You shouldn't be looking after your children whilst working no matter the situation.

Either take annual leave, unpaid time off or family to help - you mention not being able to use holiday clubs because of SEN. You are entitled to take unpaid dependence leave (not sure how much as I don't take it)

It isnt unreasonable to think you DH should be taking the equivalent time off to look after your children though.

@Beckyboo8 then you’ll need to take annual, or unpaid leave if none left, while you sort this with DH. I’d be telling him that work has mandated working from the office and since you’re both parents, he can take a turn parenting.

You need to take annual leave or if you dont have enough, take unpaid leave. It's unfair to say you are WFH and get paid when realistically you are only half present as you are looking after 3 kids.

If he’s working properly at home, how can he, or anyone else WFH, look after kids? 🤷‍♀️

What specialist childcare setting? Very few exist and it's a reason why so many families with SEND children end up having at least one parent who simply can't work.

School is different as extra support and staff can be funded. This doesn't apply to breakfast/after school clubs. My son gets plenty of support at school but breakfast club and after school club won't take him because he wouldn't get the same support there. So I can't work.

DH sounds deeply unpleasant. You need to decide whether what he does bring to the marriage is good enough. Only you know whether you want to stay with a man who won't even have a conversation when a problem arises.

If you decide to go it alone though don't be under the misapprehension that he'll magically do 50%.

One thing I am sure about is that this long-running battle will not be pleasant for the DC. In your position I think I'd ignore DH, arrange childcare yourself (specialist nanny or childminder?) so you don't need to rely on him at all, and think long and hard about your future.

What if you said you had to go into the office? Or an away day work meeting? You wouldn’t be in the house…. What would he do then?

Depends what your working from home looks like. My husband sometimes works from home and wouldn’t be able to take care of the kids as 90% of his day is spent in meetings online. However another family member often works from home and can do their job by logging on now and again and getting the odd bits done when they can but then can catch up later on once parter gets home.
But with three children with SEN, working from home isn’t ideal. Are there no other clubs to try aside from the one you’ve used previously? Some are better at managing children with additional needs than others so it’s worth trying others if you have the option to

@Beckyboo8 if you earn more then he needs to be the one to go part time. I think this is what gives people the impression that people who wfh are taking the mickey. How on earth can you be earning a high salary while looking after 3 SEN children. It would be difficult with 3 children who have no SEN. You don’t seem to be taking on board that YABU to do childcare instead of working. You need to sort out someone to have them.

I’m sorry to pile on to someone clearly having a lot to juggle, but you both are being very very unreasonable to wfh without childcare during the school holidays. It’s unfair on your colleagues and employer, as there’s literally no way you can be managing your usual workload if also looking after 3 children with SEN. I’m sorry as I know it’s tough, but having adequate childcare arrangements during school holidays clearly is the responsibility of parents. Obviously your DH is being unreasonable to slope it all to you to sort, but together you need to resolve this so you have proper childcare arrangements in place to cover school holidays or else between you take annual leave. For those of us who don’t have children (and not always by choice) it’s frustrating as it gives a bad name to wfh and you can see why some employers think people are taking the piss when they wfh, whereas some of us a) get more work done not less and b) really need it.

So why does he think his job is more important?

You seriously need to consider leaving this man. My ex used to text his mates saying he was having to “babysit” while I went for a 3 hour hair appointment. This was our child that we agreed to have. He now has to “babysit” for 50% of the week on his own on an income much lower than mine, in fact he’s struggling massively while I am not. I’m happily ever after with my new partner who will help with my child whenever I ask without complaint.
You need to be dishing out ultimatums and be prepared to go through with them. This man is not on your side OP. You deserve better.

Oh you have bigger issues with your marriage and as people say need to get your ducks in a row
Aside from that however i am like in shock here that that you have made it to senior management level but yet can not organise childcare for school holidays you know its the same most years they send out a list as soon as new years starts of the holidays for the year. This is when it normally clicks for working parents eh i need to sort out this now. You pay for a childminder you pay for holiday club, you ask family for help, you take annual leave or unpaid time off, everyone has to do this regardless of SEN or not. Yes some have it easier than others , but thats unfortunately a fact of life for everything. Why havent you had a frank conversation with your husband spreedsheet out this is school holidays for the year how are we going to manage it ? you say you earn a good salary why havent you reached out and looked for appropriate childcare - your in senior management how do you deal with crisis in work ? You cant WFH in your current situation
If your husband not going to help then f**k him get childcare sorted, drop the rope with him, started getting divorce ion order and please god start looking what going to happen for two weeks xmas holidays this year
life is crap yes but it was you make it, you can change this

Do you struggle to assert yourself with him? If he refuses to discuss, what do you do/say, generally? Are you afraid of him?

Under the circumstances, I would be considering whether I wanted to continue the relationship, if I'm honest. In the short term, I would book a desk in a homeworking space or go to a cafe - before he starts work, say "I'm just nipping out!" then don't come back for 8 hours. Would he neglect or take it out on the children? Because if he would, that's another good reason to leave him.