DH refusing to look after the kids whilst working from home!

[Beckyboo8]

It’s half term and we both work from home in senior management jobs! DH is in the bedroom working from home and is refusing to have the kids in the room while he’s working and he’s refusing to help look after them during his working hours! So I’m having to work from home at the dining table while having to look after 3 going children with SEN! I feel like I’m going insane already and it’s only Monday! AIBU to think DH should also help look after the kids whilst working from home?

I can’t put my children in a holiday club because of their SEN! The last holiday club they were in wouldn’t have them because they couldn’t manage their autism and their meltdowns.

Sad for these kids.

All of this. It's impossible to have both parents working full time in normal office hours if you have DC who can't cope with childcare.
My DC wouldn't be OK with anyone but a parent for longer than a couple of hours, so our careers took the hit.

Assuming it's not a wind up, it's totally unreasonable to be WFH while you have the kids at home. Not very fair or much fun for the kids, either.

If this is indeed a legit OP, it is possible that they have extra support in school which isn't available for after school club due to funding issues and/or staffing issues. It is common that SEND children can't access breakfast clubs and after school clubs.

It's a reason why I can't work.

This sounds ridiculous
you need a better plan of action here

annual leave
carers leave
parental leave

research holiday clubs and childminders who support children with additional needs or hire a nanny

The first post nails it really 🙄

What do you normally do in holidays? Three children all with SEN must be incredibly difficult. Can you hire a specialist nanny or do they need 1:1
care?
If there’s no childcare options at all, you and DH take 2.5 days off each.

Of course he can't work and look after the kids. Neither can you. You both need to use leave, drop hours or sort childcare.

Then you have the holidays off work unpaid. Unless you can do your hours in the evening when they’re in bed.

It really is not as simple as “if they can cope in school, they can cope in clubs”.
Schools likely have additional funding which then provide supporting adults in term time. Schools therefore have a legal duty to deliver & “cope”, with mixed results.
This funding does not extend to holidays, which then gives any provider full licence to refuse entry to clubs, it will always be “insurance/they don’t have adult to child ratios/not covered for SEN adequately “, whatever reason they give, it’s almost always a no.
I think many here assume that soecialist care is something you can just Google & book. It’s largely non-existent , for 3 x children OP has exceptionally limited options here seriously.

But then it comes back to why he can’t use his annual leave separately to you to cover half of the school holidays- all jobs have annual leave even if they are terribly important!

Or is he so very important that his annual leave is all for himself? That kind of man makes me really angry!

I mean he’s right that you can’t work really any job, especially not one with responsibilities, with kids knocking about. But that is why annual leave and then parental leave exist.

As I said up thread, I used parental leave last week because I simply cannot be working with my son who has ADHD knocking about - and he’s 12! Even a half day recently really turned him into a horror as he was on his phone the whole time - not doing anything awful, just using it as a television (which is ridiculous but that’s what he does!)

Absolutely ridiculous for either of you to be trying to work while looking after 3 children.

you need to tag team your holidays or find childcare.

I don’t understand how relationships like this work.

The children are both of your responsibilities.
If you can’t get paid childcare then you need to arrange for unpaid leave and share this between you.
It is unreasonable to work on a normal basis with kids around (not talking about emergencies).

We have two autistic children. We use a combination of annual leave, family, and paid childcare. It’s not possible to manage it all alone.

No-one has enough annual leave to cover all school holidays, however neither of you should be working and caring for 3 DC, especially with high needs, but neither should he absolve responsibility of the lack of childcare arrangements.

You and he need to plan well in advance, split up your annual leave and request parental leave on top, or apply to annualise/flexible working hours to cover school breaks.

If I was paying your wages I'd want my money back. Your dependent children cannot be present while you are being paid to work. That is NOT a benefit of wfh. You either pay for childcare or take paid or unpaid leave or accept that you can't both have jobs. Why the f should your employer pay you to look after your own children? Unless this is a wind-up! God knows how you've risen to a senior position without even a basic grasp of the need to 100% focus on your job during working hours.

He needs to be part of the solution rather than just pointing out the problem

You need to get a temp nanny in if both wfh

You can get a nanny. I mean there are options.

I take it that you can't be asked to read an OP's full post?

Getting childcare for SEN kids is nigh on impossible. Op take A/L or unpaid parental leave between you to cover school holidays

Think you might have been better posting on the SEN page OP. Alot of unempathetic trolls on here today. As a fellow SEN parent I understand your dilemma. I tried to put my son in extracurricular activities and holiday camps and we've had to cancel them all as neither side can cope. We have the same battle during holiday time and usually I go to my mums for the holidays so she can help with childcare whilst I work. DH family do not help at all. And DH is ND himself and not helpful. The only success we've had with childcare is paying a student from the school (16/17) to play with my son whilst we are home and this works for a couple of hours. But agree with you there's not enough support for SEN parents navigating the holidays. Do you claim any disability allowance for your children which can help off set the cost as 1 to 1 childcare is obviously more expensive? Other idea is having a SEN tutor that can visit - we have one that comes in the holidays and does activities with our son. Or you sit down with your husband and agree to a rota. And whoever is working goes and works from a co-working space for the day or half the day.

Tell him do it or you’ll divorce him and he will then have to do it half time or pay child support that you’ll put towards a nanny.

Read Fair Play by Eve Rodesky and then get him to. If he won’t and won’t take it seriously then you have a big decision to make.

Excuse me whilst I laugh a hollow laugh….
My SEN nanny earns several times what I do per hour. It’s a highly skilled role and she is the only person we can leave our child with.

We muddle through holidays with the a mix of a few hours a week for very essential out of house cover from her, me working from home, DH working from home and unpaid leave.

But unless either the government is going to manage hitherto unknown levels of knowledge, skill and funding for (the meltdown kind) of autism friendly care or you don’t mind paying for us to be on universal credit, then I’d suggest you show a little more understanding.

Precisely this. Another example of why employers are desperate to get staff back in the office.

Total wind up