DH refusing to look after the kids whilst working from home!

[Beckyboo8]

It’s half term and we both work from home in senior management jobs! DH is in the bedroom working from home and is refusing to have the kids in the room while he’s working and he’s refusing to help look after them during his working hours! So I’m having to work from home at the dining table while having to look after 3 going children with SEN! I feel like I’m going insane already and it’s only Monday! AIBU to think DH should also help look after the kids whilst working from home?

I can’t put my children in a holiday club because of their SEN! The last holiday club they were in wouldn’t have them because they couldn’t manage their autism and their meltdowns.

YABothBU …. You should have made a plan in advance.

I totally empathise as my DC aren’t able to attend holiday clubs or traditional childcare due to SEN. We’re both managers and it’s incredibly stressful juggling everything.

However, surely you could see this coming? We’ve both had to buy additional leave and/or take parental leave to cover the shortfall in annual leave allowance and we split the childcare 50/50. With inset days it’s 8 days for half term and we’re doing 4 days each. It’s simply not possible to properly work and care for the children.

I can't work from home but totally respect your pov.
How can anyone actually do both well anyway! Its either neglect or you aren't actually doing your job, right?!
It seems that many employers are too scared to actually step up and do anything about it! Have you made a complaint to senior management?

Ok so you are both in good jobs with good incomes
if You CANNOT get day care due to SEN Problems
then ONE of you should have booked the week off - or taken unpaid leave -YOU HAVE NO CHOICE UNTIL the kids are older
I had to leave my job as my daughter got diagnosed with type 1 diabetes age NINE in 2015 - SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE

Holiday clubs aren’t the only forms of childcare!! There are Nanny’s and childminders! I found a fantastic childminder who managed my Sen Children amazingly despite not being an expert

Then pay for a babysitter if they can't go to a camp for the day. Make DH do it since he is so mighty and important.

@Beckyboo8 Most companies have a policy to say working from home can't be merged with caring responsibilities.

I am confused as to how both of you are able to work effectively in senior management roles while looking after children at the same time.

I work flat out, not looking after anyone else, yet I'm light years away from senior management. Perhaps the old saying is true then, that senior people do less work?

You or your DH will have to take annual leave or unpaid leave to look after your children. You cannot work and do childcare at the same time.

Yes. You're right he probably won't.

But They are still options - it's just that he ignores them and won't comply.
She should still present them as options because its clearly never even entered his head that he could help solve the problem. To put the problem back to him... so that she's not just problem solving and he doesn't even have to think about his being involved in it.

That's kind of what I meant.

I think marriage counselling would be good here, where he's forced to admit this is what he's doing. It's totally unacceptable that either of you are looking after kids when you're meant to be working, but even more unreasonable that he's forcing you to do it all. I can see that if you each lengthened your day you might be able to make it work, but how did you think it would work when you're the only one doing it?

Yabu, you are both working from home, your job should have your full attention. Whilst I sympathise completely with your situation, you need to find suitable childcare or take annual leave. Could you afford a nanny?

Use unpaid parental leave. All employees have a right to this, you just nee to tell your employer 21 days in advance and it has to whole weeks not random days here and there. https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave

How can you provide childcare and work? One of you should have booked time off or shared time off. You should know better in a senior role. Would you allow more junior staff to do this. How would you manage the situation if they weren't getting through their work as they were busy looking after their kids?

THen you go work in a cafe and tell him you're leaving him to it to do his fair share with his own children. If he won't book the time off, like you do, and share the job of looking after his own children on school breaks, then he can juggle them while he works just like he's forced you to do by not taking his share of time off.

No he shouldn't, he should be working, although I do think both of you should have made sure childcare was sorted. If you really can't find any suitable childcare, then one of you needs to find a term time job

I doubt either of your employers would be happy about you looking after the kids during work time.

I don’t understand how this has been limping along. You need to find SEN experienced childminder/nanny.

This 100pc
Your post confirms the cynical view that people 'WFH' take the p **

Neither can two people who are working.

How the hell did you get to the end of Monday of half term before you considered the need for childcare?!

Hire a nanny or a childminder to work in your home. You cannot work and look after 3 SEN children in normal working hours. Is your work aware you are doing it?

Just take opposite annual leave in future. And if he refuses, call it a day and he’ll then be faced with half of every week parenting alone which is a damn site worse. Remind him of that!

What does he use his annual leave for if he isnt using it for childcare? Every other parent does this, why should he be special? You use annual leave, unpaid parental leave, childminder/nanny, family and split it between you.

Call his bluff and tell him you have been called in for a meeting as it is apparent you are working with your kids at home in contravention of policy. Ask him what his plan is if you get fired? Or point out that if you separate because is not behaving like a “partner” in this family, that he will have to deal with this on his own for 50% of the time.

You know this but your DH is a bully and he is the problem here, not the busy SEN kids who are just trying to have a happy time during their holidays. I feel sorry for your kids who will no doubt be feeling that neither parent wants them around.

You need to each book leave to cover school holidays or pay for childcare. Any other strategy is inappropriate.

I’m in a similar situation with a Sen child and 2 younger children.

There’s no way I could work from home and also look after my 3 children and it wouldn’t be fair on my employer to do so. I’d never be able to think straight or sit still as son is 2-1 at school and there’s only one of me. Thankfully my younger 2 are really helpful but still need support and entertainment.

Is there any way you and your husband can share the load by taking alternate leave (paid or unpaid if needed)

I think it’s unreasonable for you to expect either yourself or your husband to be responsible for childcare when it will be affecting your concentration and ability to work. Also I think it’s maybe unreasonable for you to not be giving the children especially the Sen child 1-1 attention due to safety issues.

I take the school holidays off- I have no choice. A mix of unpaid and paid annual leave. I’m not a senior manager though so the loss off earnings isn’t very much for me, my husband is the main earner in our household. unfortunately due to my sons disability I’ve not been able to progress in my career as much as I planned.

in our area they have Sen holiday clubs, also Sen 1-1 holiday clubs for more complex children and if those aren’t suitable you would have to go through social care for a care package to pay for carers but having said that if your both working in senior management jobs then surely you could afford a carer or carers to keep your Sen child busy whilst you work? X