DH refusing to look after the kids whilst working from home!

[Beckyboo8]

It’s half term and we both work from home in senior management jobs! DH is in the bedroom working from home and is refusing to have the kids in the room while he’s working and he’s refusing to help look after them during his working hours! So I’m having to work from home at the dining table while having to look after 3 going children with SEN! I feel like I’m going insane already and it’s only Monday! AIBU to think DH should also help look after the kids whilst working from home?

I can’t put my children in a holiday club because of their SEN! The last holiday club they were in wouldn’t have them because they couldn’t manage their autism and their meltdowns.

You need to be doing things like having one of you start early and the other work late. he absolutely should be your partner in managing this.

You need help though. You can’t do this even with both of you.

Look for a mother’s helper type person who can come in and be the primary point person during the overlap. An older teen that is the same sex as your children, if they all happen to be the same, can often be an appealing playmate for the day. Sort of like a personal holiday club. Find someone in the neighborhood that you can develop a relationship with.

And you say … ok? Send the kids to the bedroom whenever they need something. He doesn’t just get to say “no” and you toe the line. Alternatively, leave the house and work elsewhere for half the week and leave him to it. Remind him that if you divorce you will insist on 50:50 and he will find it much harder to deal with childcare on his own. I know it’s stressful and you will be worried about impacting the kids but you can’t sacrifice your own work for him.

Your DH is a selfish unreasonable knob.

Of course he should take some days leave to match yours.

I don't know what you do about enforcing it though.

Just go into the office and leave him to it?

Ask him what parts of your household budget he thinks you should cut when you lose your job?

I do understand they can't go to clubs and childcare but what about a temporary au pair / nanny coming to your house for the hols?

No, one of you should take holidays, ideally 2-3 days each. No one should be trying to work and look after children, SEN or not.

Or get a nanny.

I can’t believe anyone would think it’s reasonable to look after their children while working from home! If you can’t arrange childcare, then you and your husband need to take leave from work. Why do you think your employers should have to meet the cost of you missing work because you’ve chosen to have children and cant make arrangements to look after them?

You both work in ' Senior Management', really?

what would be your reaction to one of your staff looking after their children whilst working from home? I'm guessing it wouldn't be very favourable!!

Maybe one of you should have booked this week as holiday or arranged suitable childcare, not very well organised for 'senior managment'!

Basically this.

You need to take leave, move to term time only working, use your parental leave or arrange childcare - mothers help , day time nanny etc.
It isn't fair on your children for things to be as they are. It is entirely unreasonable that you are trying to work whilst caring for children. That isn't a situation that can work.

This is what parental leave is for. Unpaid but time off.
Alternatively, could you flex it?

6am - 1pm noon partner 1 works, available for 1/2 the day works full day(looks after kids rest of day, makes supper)
1pm - 8pm partner 2, same but makes lunch

He should be doing more, but YABU for not sorting this out sooner (both of you, not just you). Annual or unpaid/parental leave split between the two of you is the obvious answer. If he refuses to parent his own children, you have bigger probelms than half-term.

Parents can take up to 18 weeks leave per child - I’m sure that was in a news article the other week. Maybe look in to that for you and ‘D’H?
Although his attitude being that it’s your problem indicates there’s more issues with him rather just than with him parenting his own children.

You are being unreasonable because neither of you should be looking after your DC while you are working. You either need to organise childcare or if that isn’t possible one of you takes holiday.

Childcare while working is a no no and certainly if any of my team were doing this - apart from the occasionally childcare emergency due to illness etc. at my company this would be a disciplinary issue.

Do either of your jobs allow working from home while providing childcare? Especially with SEN. Why are you accepting your partners refusal to help? You both need to use annual leave/unpaid leave before one of you lose your job

This.

“Why are you accepting your partners refusal to help?”

im not sure she’s “accepting” it- but what can she do? She can’t force him to help

You need to book leave or arrange childcare. Your DH is right that he shouldn't be responsible for childcare whilst working... but neither should you be. Unless your line manager has agreed this arrangement?

Sorry, OP, you are being unreasonable. It sounds as though DH is actually working from home, while you’re getting cross because your DC are preventing you from working. It’s really not realistic to try to look after DC and work - you end up doing a half-arsed job for your employer and neglecting your DC. It’s not for nothing that many employers insist that workers should go to the office and, you know, work.

I get you don't have disabled children and never had to sort childcare which simply doesn't exist?

@Beckyboo8 take your laptop, pack up your work and leave him to it tomorrow morning.

You both have 5 weeks leave = 10 weeks.

Then you both take a week and a half extra unpaid parental leave and then the 13 weeks are covered.

Or you find someone you pay to look after them.

Any other solutions OP?

OP, would a flexible working request with changing to term time be possible? both of mine have autism and are challenging and there just is no childcare. I also WFH so I can manage but I only work half days. I have no idea how you cope. I would look into making a flexible working request. Something gotta give and shame on your husband. It is difficult with disabled children and most people just don't understand the challenges that exist around childcare (as the many frankly stupendous comments show here).

Absolutely do this. Enjoy a nice relaxing coffee and a podcast on the train

How can you work effectively with 3 children around? Surely you should plan in advance and if they won’t go to a holiday club? You take annual leave to look after them.
Honestly has common sense gone completely out of the window?

that is not annually but in total until the child turns 18. Max 4 weeks per year and the leave needs to be approved just like annual leave. You can't just announce it to the employer. Even if you add it up, it's nowhere enough to cover the time a child with SEN will need full time supervision. One of mine is a young adult and at college and still needs an adult home whenever they are home. 18 weeks in total would have given me 1 week per year if I had stretched it. Hardly useful with 13 weeks school hols and another 5 days of inset days per annum. I doubt OPs DH would use his allowance. My ex never did. Men just don't pull their weight when they think their jobs are 'more important'

That is a fair point.

That's partly what I mean though, you can't win with men like this. They just don't care.