DH refusing to look after the kids whilst working from home!

[Beckyboo8]

It’s half term and we both work from home in senior management jobs! DH is in the bedroom working from home and is refusing to have the kids in the room while he’s working and he’s refusing to help look after them during his working hours! So I’m having to work from home at the dining table while having to look after 3 going children with SEN! I feel like I’m going insane already and it’s only Monday! AIBU to think DH should also help look after the kids whilst working from home?

I can’t put my children in a holiday club because of their SEN! The last holiday club they were in wouldn’t have them because they couldn’t manage their autism and their meltdowns.

Well that should be more than obvious. If the OP and DH are both in middle management then they won’t be short of a few quid, so if they can’t take time off they should be paying for professional childcare like the rest of us have to.

You can take 6 weeks unpaid leave as per government guidelines per child I think. Can’t try and fraud your way to not sorting childcare! Also not fair on children!!!

Senior management. SENIOR management? Sorry, I mean !!!!! 🎣🎣🎣

You both need to take annual leave or unpaid parental leave during holidays if you have 3 children with special needs and no holiday camp will accept them or family can help. We have 3 children and both wfh, it's impossible to work when they are little even with 3 children without special needs.

You are taking the piss even attempting to work and look after them at the same time, it isn't fair on your children and you really don't help other working parent's who pay for childcare and actually work in school holidays.

@Beckyboo8 if you use all your leave on childcare, what does DH do with his? Does he go on lovely holidays by himself?

This is LTB IMO

Your employers needs to understand your circumstances for you both to work flexibly. Maybe half days, condensed hours, unpaid carers leave. I know where you are though as I have a SEN kid and no holiday club either and his contributed to one of us giving up work (severe SEN, sleep issues, appointments and just the general stress of life with a SEN child as well). We couldn't literally find enough leave and employers wouldn't have been happy about unpaid leave and it would have made life difficult.

It makes me laugh how many people blatantly ignored your comment about childcare not being an option and just went off on a raging tangent. Yes, no childcare options is very common with SEN children who have challenging behaviour.

Can't you just cover half of it then go into the office for the rest so he has to do some of it?

Alternatively, if this is rage bait, well, it hasn't worked on me, although it has on others!

The problem you’ve got here is that you’ve married a twat.

You need to communicate with each other beforehand. But neither of you should be working and covering child care at the same time. Either split the week, each taking annual leave for 2.5 days. Or hire a child minder who has SEN expertise. I work in SEN education and the TA's are in high demand for homecover over the holidays. Also try your council and see if there are any holiday clubs for SEN children.

@Beckyboo8 is it any wonder businesses want staff back in the office?
No way could anyone be doing a senior role AND caring for 3 SEN children.
Sort yourselves out so you have jobs that accommodate your children. Honestly!

You both work in Senior Management roles! However, unable to organise childcare! Plus can't communicate unless using exclamation points in an incorrect manner! I suggest next task is to manage your way out of a Paper Bag! In a Senior Management fashion! Prove your point that you both deserve your Senior Management positions by possibly countering the set in stone half term schedule by sorting your family shite out! Christmas is coming too! Always 25th December! I suggest you liaise with each other in a Senior Management way!

p.s extra !!! in case you run out.

Since you are both in 'senior' roles I am sure you can find the money for a babysitter to come to the house.

What do you want people to say? You know your DH is being a prick. You need to decide how you respond to that.

Absolutely would not be allowed with my work. Emergency wfh with kids yes, regular school holiday no.
When our kids were little we had to spilt AL or take unpaid leave. Not ideal but your current situation isn't fair on you, your kids or your work.

Get a nanny or take unpaid leave (ideally an equal amount split between you), this is ridiculous.

My child has SEN and can't go to holiday club - its very shit and some of the answers here really piss me off.

I have had to stop working - is that what people would like women to do in this situation?

I have tried nannies and babysitters its impossible with a sen child.

This is why I disagree with WFH

The refusal of the male (and rightly, so) to do childcare whilst doing paid work serves to highlight the way that many women would actually do both jobs. Badly.

It's no good for your career to WFH and do childcare and it's definitely no good for the generation of kids who cannot even sit upright, go to the toilet, brush their teeth or turn the pages of a book.

I think that due to inaccessible childcare, there is an increasing number of women and children who are suffering from the WFH culture.

So you're still with him, because...

So the options you have are tomorrow he takes two days off and you take two days off.
If you've used up nearly all your leave and he's barely touched his leave, then he takes four days off.
Or both of you negotiate shorter working days for this week.. ie he does mornings and you do afternoons.. and see if you can get some help in anyway. it might be easier with you both in the house to get a babysitter as they can entertain, keep an eye but you are there for emergency/advice. ?

You both need to sit down with a calendar and work out who is doing what as its not sustainable to keep doing it this way and could damage your prospects at work.

The reason it’s not more than obvious is OP has clearly said she can’t use professional childcare due to her children’s SEN.

OP I have family members who can’t use childcare due to SEn and it is extremely tough. I don’t think there are any options apart from a) push through and take it holiday by holiday b) one of you (of course it’ll be you 🙄) reduce hours or stop working

I think a is the only option. It’s torturous though.

my family member had to do b but she is a GP so it was the sort of role where you can reduce hours and still be employed at the same level. In Corporate jobs that’s unusual

They’re not options though because they rely on DH doing those things and he’s made it clear he won’t?

Totally not fair - you both need to help if you don’t have childcare

While DP is being paid to work he should not be doing childcare. Maybe, if we are talking nearly self sufficient teens, being interrupted once or twice for a few minutes during the whole working day would be ok, but he is right to be refusing to do more than that. The same goes for you. If the children need more than that, you find childcare that will work, or one of you takes annual leave or unpaid leave.

The reason it’s not more than obvious is OP has clearly said she can’t use professional childcare due to her children’s SEN.

No, she said they can't use a holiday club. Specialist childcare in the home is something she and her lazy DH should have already put in place if they weren't going to tag team childcare by both taking annual leave and unpaid leave.

Anyone "working" from home while looking after 2 SEN children is unfair to their employer and co-workers.

The OP's (and her crap husband) inability to arrange childcare is their problem, not their employers. It's irresponsible not to have sorted it

I realise, as,I think most of us do, that your issues is that your kid's dad thinks you should,care for the kids while working. He's clearly being unfair. However the childcare is a,joint problem and won't be solved by making it about who does their share while working. The issue is that neither, or even both, of you can do that effectively from the kids and work perspective. You need to sit down together and work out a proper plan for care from someone else and then both work work properly, which is what your employers have a right to expect.
Illness apart, school holidays are arranged at least a year in advance so there's no excuse for not doing that.
I wonder what your husband, as a Senior Manager, would think if one of his colleagues was WFH while caring for three children ...

You are assuming there is childcare available for the SEn children.

We would not be able to purchase childcare for my SEN family member, who is not a rare unicorn by any means, but autistic with PDA profile.