DH refusing to look after the kids whilst working from home!

[Beckyboo8]

It’s half term and we both work from home in senior management jobs! DH is in the bedroom working from home and is refusing to have the kids in the room while he’s working and he’s refusing to help look after them during his working hours! So I’m having to work from home at the dining table while having to look after 3 going children with SEN! I feel like I’m going insane already and it’s only Monday! AIBU to think DH should also help look after the kids whilst working from home?

I can’t put my children in a holiday club because of their SEN! The last holiday club they were in wouldn’t have them because they couldn’t manage their autism and their meltdowns.

I have had a gently admonishing email!

Do you have an office you can work in or legitimately need to go into? Because I would be being called into that office and leaving those kids with their father. Forced to confront the difficulties he will realise he needs to take Annual Leave. I would continue to do this every time he refuses to engage about covering childcare during the holidays.

This, really. OP is in a difficult situation but prior to WFH she'd have had to find a solution - taking her children into the office just wouldn't have been feasible. There's no way she's delivering the work and effort she's being paid for, in these circumstances.

Early tomorrow morning - Pack up your work stuff. Tell him you're working from a co-work space tomorrow and leave the house. Then turn your phone off. When his day goes to shit he will have to sort it out for himself.

We used to take half the amount of school holidays each off work and then use parental leave for the rest. It was tough, I tried to work from home a few times when we were stuck, mine was a placid 8 year old and it was too hard to do both things. Something needs to change here and I'm not sure it's your dh helping out, I think you need a nanny or something in the holidays.

My DH and I work in senior roles. We employ a nanny/carer/TA to look after our SEN child on the holidays. Absolutely no way could we wfh with them around - only ever do it in emergency situations (illness etc).
Unfortunately this is very expensive.

I probably have too, but my inbox is horrendous so I just delete without even reading them 😳.

If he refuses to take annual leave to cover school holidays then when it’s his “turn” you go and book a remote office space or find a cafe and go and work there and leave him to it with the kids.
why do women accept this shitty behaviour - stand up for yourself FFS

I agree that you should both be taking leave to look after the children if childcare isn't an option. If he's refusing I'd just go to work in the office and leave him to it. Pretty sure he'd change his tune then.

His job being "more important" doesn't entile you to more paid days off than your contract allows for though. You are still required to work for each day that isn't an annual leave day and as you rightly say, you don't have as many annual leave days as there are school holiday days. Pretending to work while actually doing childcare isn't something he'd accept from one of his own employees presumably? So his solution is a failure and so is he.

My biggest question is how come you reproduced with this arsehole 3 times. Once I could understand as you may not have known what a git he was first time, but surely he showed his colours as soon as your first maternity leave finished. It which point it should have been Game Over for him.

Well you sort different child care, both use holidays and/or unpaid leave or one of you needs to leave your job! You couldn't get a job on this basis and are abusing your ability to work from home.

Of course your DH should not be looking after children while he is being paid to work. But neither should you! It's up to both of you to come up with a solution that doesn't mug off your employers, either using a/l or paying for childcare. (Otherwise, one or both of you will rightly find yourself Out of Work.)

Neither of you should be working from home, whilst looking after children. You both need to took at staggering annual leave, so there's 1 of you at home, to care for the children, during the holidays.

There must be childcare provision that will take 3 children with SEN. I'm not saying it would be easy to find, or expensive.

A baby sitter / nanny wouldn’t be more expensive than 3 sets of holiday club.

You’re shortchanging both your employer as well as your children.
You’re being very unreasonable.
Is your employer aware? How would you manage if you were both office based? You’d have to sort childcare then.
I get it’s hard having been a single parent who worked full time myself but if you have children, paying for childcare is the expectation.

@Brindlekindle
albeit there is the admittedly harsh consideration as to why people continue having children after the first was diagnosed with SEN - do the odds of subsequent children not having similar diagnosis not increase? childcare for 1 child is infinitely cheaper and/or the ability to continue to WFH with them there becomes easier - all considerations people should have surely when family planning or planning to extend their family? All of this should have been discussed and agreed between them before it even got to this point. Instead it’s the employer who suffers, the OP whose stressed out and 3 bored under stimulated children who are clearly having to fit around their parents commitments

I think that free childcare, or at the expense of employers, is the reason that so many kick against having to return to normality, instead they are using an emergency measure from 6 years ago so save money, probably at their employer's expense.

Neither can I! I’ve booked leave. When I run out I’ll take unpaid leave. Reality of a single mum.

Hire a nanny for the week; go stay at your parents/a friends and work from there; burst into the bedroom while he's in meetings with a melting down DC or a half made lunch and shout at him to come and do his part; divorce him and get contact arrangements that include him have the children for half the holidays.

Doesn't matter what you type on here, no one is going to be able to change your situation but you. And if you've tried all the talking routes you'll need to take action.

It fucking sucks that so many men are such arrogant arseholes. I see it as a form of coercive control but suspect the police and courts will not.

Yes i agree that is what they SHOULD do.

I hope you’re escalating that.

Nobody could force him to take 50/50 responsibility of the children, unfortunately.

Is hoping you don't play the lottery online 😅

Then get rid. I couldn't live with inequality and disrespect of that level. When you're divorced, you can work while he takes his share of the childcare.

I love how all the opprobrium is being directed at OP who does use her annual leave to provide childcare but has run out as she doesn't have enough AL for all the school holidays, while very little criticism is being directed at her selfish husband who does no child care at all.

It's obviously much more difficult to find suitable childcare for children with SEN. There are some really mean posters on this thread so I doubt that OP will return.