DH refusing to look after the kids whilst working from home!

[Beckyboo8]

It’s half term and we both work from home in senior management jobs! DH is in the bedroom working from home and is refusing to have the kids in the room while he’s working and he’s refusing to help look after them during his working hours! So I’m having to work from home at the dining table while having to look after 3 going children with SEN! I feel like I’m going insane already and it’s only Monday! AIBU to think DH should also help look after the kids whilst working from home?

I can’t put my children in a holiday club because of their SEN! The last holiday club they were in wouldn’t have them because they couldn’t manage their autism and their meltdowns.

Then you should not be working.
Put in annual leave.
Take unpaid time off.
If you can't manage that I'd question what else you're not managing appropriately....

Read the post. Ffs.

You are both unreasonable. Neither of you should be looking after the kids when you're supposed to be working. How much work could either of you get done whilst looking after 3 high needs kids? You need another arrangement.

I would suggest that arrangement doesn't include leaving YOUR job because your husband sounds like an asshole.

There is no childcare available for my autistic son, so I feel your pain. For us, this meant I had to give up my senior role and take a part time, term time only job. There’s no way we could have both worked from home while caring for him, and it seems you can’t either. You and your husband need to sit down together and figure out a way forward.

Is the family home what has to give? Usually both incomes are required for it. Nobody would choose to live like this. It’s just reality for so many families.

Agreed, another WFH one! If it isn't, I only work from home with my kids in an emergency, eg if one is sick or the recent closure due to heat. I would never do it for a whole week. My kids are 6 and 11 and not SEN and fairly self sufficient but even then it's not fair on my work or the kids. Crazy you are even considering this for the week.

You can’t work from home and care for dc. If holiday club isn’t an option you need to book a babysitter or annual leave. He is correct

You do know that if people have kids in quick succession they might not even realise any of them have SEND until they’re all in existence?

My DD wasn’t diagnosed til age 8. I was dismissed for years and years by the “experts”.

YABU and actually you are both unreasonable to think this situation would work. You need to manage childcare / annual leave better.

If he's not willing to take AL, he needs to sort childcare for 'his' allocated weeks. You need to go to the office those days.

I’m not engaging with this thread at all - if the OP & DH were actually senior management then they wouldn’t be surprised that the combination of school holidays, SEN children and their super-important jobs simply isn’t going to work. I mean, which part of that equation came as a surprise, ffs!

Its completely different than going into the office with your kids though isn't it! Loads of ppl have kids at home during school holidays while "working"

This was going to be my suggestion.

OP, my DH and I divide up the days and I don’t wfh on the days that it’s his turn

I have voted YABU because you should not be trying to work without child care. You are abusing your position and deserve to recieve disciplinary action. Anyone else couldn't attempt to do it and neither should you. Sort your childcare situation out, properly, not by you and/or your husband trying to do it while being paid to work from home. This is ridiculous!

@Beckyboo8

https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave/entitlement

You need this...

as all children are in school and you have 3 you and your shitty DH have a fuck tonne of allowance.

Yes maybe HE should.

My partner adn I have and excel planner for the year. It wasn't until after covid and we could leave the kids for a day that we actually managed to get time off as a family when I was back in work. We did in 2015 when I was made redundant so was a SAHM.

In the grander scheme, it is something that needs looked at - either less school hols, or increase each persons allowance to 7 weeks. Would likely increase peoples mental health!

Then go to the office and leave him to it. He is being unreasonable.

You sre also being unrealistic in working and looking after 3 kids. You are also being a pushover by accepting that you use your AL to mind the kids and he doesn't!

If you really have no other way out and your work can be done on a flexible schedule:

One works from 6am-12 in the office upstairs, the other works from 12-6pm. The one that is not working looks after the kids. That leaves 2 hours to cover over the rest of the day. It is brutal but it will work IF your DH stops being an arse.

What we did to look after our sen kids in the holidays was… one of us leave work and become pretty much broke and in debt in the mean time due to going down to one income and not having enough holiday to cover all the days needed and after school care.

You’re reasonable.

You cannot wfh while doing childcare. Neither of you should be doing childcare while wfh.

But if they are not independent whilst you are working (which OP's DC are not) then you need other form of childcare, either sort out leave (paid or unpaid) or manage your hours or get help.

Isn't it sad that a woman is posting, who works in a management role with 3 SEN kids, who can't find (non existent) childcare and who's husband refuses to even use his annual leave for childcare, gets told how terrible she is.

I don't know what the answer is @Beckyboo8 because he won't step up. Even if you seperate.

If he has the big important job and I assume the larger salary to match his ego, would he be happy with you giving up work?

There's unfortunately a lot of men around who take no pride or get no joy from providing for, or even basically supporting their family. You are with one of them. It is a lose lose situation for you.

What a lovely man…..NOT

So he doesn’t want to take time off to look after them on his own.
He doesn’t want to be disturbed when he is working.
What does he think his responsibilities are as a father?

@Beckyboo8 I’m probably going to state the obvious but you need both to have someone looking after them AND tge ability to do your work.

Have you look at staggering your working hours? Your dh does an early shift starting let’s say at 6.00am, finishing at 3.00pm. And you do a later shift afternoon+ early evening.
A childminder that could take them during the hols? There are a few CM who are used to work with children on the spectrum around here. They would also probably be able to do before and after school too.

What I would be extremely careful about is a situation where you end shouldering all the work. You end up loosing your job because you can’t work well and end up with no financial security of your own whilst his job is going to be even more ‘ever do important’.

How is he normally re childcare, work in the house, parenting?
Is tye work fairly distributed or you’re doing it all too?

@FoldItIn i think the dh attitude makes me think it’s even more reason fur the OP to NOT stay at home and stop worktbh.