DH changing the house without my input

[PersephoneParlormaid]

I went away for the weekend and as a ‘surprise’ DH changed something in the house, it’s been fitted by a professional so not easily changed, and I have no choice but to use it daily until it breaks several years from now. DH said he did it to be nice. I said that I don’t like him changing things without some input from me as it’s my house too. He said I’m ungrateful.
Do I have to be grateful for things I don’t want/didn't ask for?

It does depend what sort of thing it is (is it very visible? Is it ugly? Is it functional? Is it decorative?) but in general I want input on things we have in the house, particularly things that are on display. So for that reason, you are most likely NBU.

A permanent structure that required a professional to fit it, that's enough for me.

I'd go mad if I came back from a trip away and found that in my home with no discussion.

I don't care how useful it might be or how much she might value it, you just don't go putting permanent fixtures in people's homes without discussing it first.

Those programmes were great. It was like some terrible revenge series but with lime green paint flammable lampshades.

Japanese toilet…only thing I can think that would be unique enough to get OP worrying about being outed.

Why wouldn't she? Don't most couples at least have a conversation about these things? It's not about formal permission, it's about having a consensus or at least asking their opinion.

Yes. Doesn't everyone? It's his home too.

It depends entirely what's been changed and whether I like the outcome or not.

Bet we can think of more things than contact lens, with those clues!

Soft-Close Toilet Seat?

• is fitted by a professional ✅️ because the husband is not handy with a screwdriver
• breaks after a few years ✅️ because the OP's husband is an uncureable toilet seat slammer
• is used daily ✅️

A fully stocked bar in the hallway and a sign by the front door

• is fitted by a professional ✅️
• breaks after a few years ✅️ attracts a rowdy crowd
• is used daily ✅️ sign says open 7 says a week with Sunday to Wednesday being a themed night

Pull-Out Kitchen bin tacks:

• is fitted by a professional ✅️ (see toilet seat)
• breaks after a few years ✅️ the op and her husband frequently have stand offs on emptying the bin and the load exceeds the limit of the track s
• is used daily ✅️

Exactly. You don't just change shit in the house without discussing it with your partner. Pot plants or ornaments or pictures... fine. Altering the decor or adding something that cannot easily be removed or changed? No. Don't do it.

I'm going for the bar

If he has fitted one of the baths with water jets - YANBU. If it's just a different make of dishwasher than the one you would have chosen then YABU.

You dont have to be grateful for something you didnt ask for or want but you can at least show appreciation of the effort.

There have been many threads on mumsnet where a poster has made a unilateral decision about planting a bush, buying some cushions or painting a wall and, when her DH has complained, got lots of responses along the lines of "Who the fuck does he think he is? He's not your boss. It's your house too. If he doesn't like it he should have done it himself" and similar.

Bidet?

It does matter what it is IMO. My DH recently bought a new oven. I had no input whatsoever and couldn't have cared less, because to me an oven is an oven. I was grateful because he paid for it.
However, if he bought a new kettle without my input I'd be pissed off because there are factors I'd want input in.

So yeah, it matters what it is.

Of course you do, if someone does something they think is nice for you, without asking, you should always be thankful. Even if you didn't want it - its just basic empathic intelligence.

So one person saying what you want to hear and you are happy now?

As others have said, it depends on what it was and how it affects you. If for example, he fixed a dodgy tap or shower by having new ones fitted without consulting you, maybe you would have preferred a different style, but to him he's sorted it out.

Had a dishwasher plumbed in?

i think it’s the thought pattern behind it thats the question.

my first question is was it his house that you moved into? in which case it implies he feels it’s STILL his house. not “our house”. that’s not good. i take it youre married so it’s half yours now in the event of divorce.

second question is where did the money come from? the most sensible way to run a household is that both parties contribute equally or a percentage of their income into some joint account or kitty arrangement. so if he’s taken community money and made expensive changes with it thats bang out of order. it wasn’t his to take it was “ours”. hes stolen it from there so to speak.

third if you’re not contributing as much due to having mat leave or are part time looking after kids etc does he feel like he’s the big man wirh the important job kind of doing a favour for you the poor little woman thats his possession so he feels good about Doing A Nice Thing for you. that’s bad too.

or did he spend his own personal savings doimg this because youd mentioned “i’d love a kitchen island” or whatever and he genuinely thought he was doimg a nice thing out of love and doesnt understand how you feel now.

how would he like it if you took community money and unilaterally bought a car say, without researching etc. just “because it looked nice and you said you wanted one” would he be ok with that!? i bet not. i bet there would be lots of questions about engine size, insurance cost, petrol/electric etc. Sizeable purchases need research consideration and agreement prior.

that’s the analogy uf use in my convo with him. we are a partnership. we should be equal. this is too large a thing for one of us to just do.

Its his house he can do what he wants, sounds like hes bought a huge TV, hardly third world problems, unless hes ripped out the bath and fitted a shower i dont see a problem

I think you can be grateful for the intention - to get as a nice (he thought) surprise, something he thought you would like - even if you would have preferred to be consulted.

I can see why you don’t want to say what it is, but I think a lot depends on that. If it was something like a new dishwasher that’s for family use rather than yours personally, I can see why you’d be rather annoyed.

OP, do you always consult your husband before buying scatter cushions/the weekly shop/replacing a kettle?

It does matter what it is and at no point have you let the board know if it makes life easier or if you actually hate it. If you actually hate it and it makes life more inconvenient then have it removed but you would need to consult your DH otherwise you would be like him, or don’t and do a how do you like it ta da moment.

WHAT you could write is how much aforementioned costs were of the change.

Is it something you'd moaned about / mentioned you'd like to change OP?

Look I'm paying nicely so please answer me.

I haven't voted either way as it would depend what the item is

If it needed fitting it must be using electric or water, or maybe a new front door.

DH and I disagreed with the huge Amazon rainforest shower when we had the bathroom refitted. I mean it’s gorgeous but uses a lot of water. In my undiplomatic way I said well now you’re paying all the energy bills. So he does.