DH changing the house without my input

[PersephoneParlormaid]

I went away for the weekend and as a ‘surprise’ DH changed something in the house, it’s been fitted by a professional so not easily changed, and I have no choice but to use it daily until it breaks several years from now. DH said he did it to be nice. I said that I don’t like him changing things without some input from me as it’s my house too. He said I’m ungrateful.
Do I have to be grateful for things I don’t want/didn't ask for?

Agree with this - if you want to keep it separate from other posts that’s what the name change facility is for. Just start a new thread under a new name like DHBuyingThingsForHisOwnHouse and get some proper replies based on the actual facts of the situation not some vague principle of who gets a say in various household changes.

yes true..So lovely if the friends who were having a poop on the loo in the lounge were able to enjoy watching telly at the same time. Wonder what other telly they'd want to see - Jaimie Oliver and his 20 minute meals ?

Which is equally wrong. Nowhere have I said that this is just a man thing.

Yes I wouldn't be remotely grateful for that, although I know I should be taking up a bit more exercise. Is it a healthy form of exercise?.

Having used a composting toilet on a community garden through 3 winters, no you bloody would not! When your fingers are too frozen to do up your jeans, it is no fun at all.

I'd kill my dh if he upgraded the shower without input ... as I'd be terrified he'd put in what I call a 'man's shower' (the stupid overhead ones that rain down but are absolutely rubbish for people with actual hair to wash, ie, women) if it didn't include a hand held shower attachment, too.

I’d be grumpy too if he had chosen a standard oven rather than a self cleaning one - guess who cleans the oven and who doesn’t?

Also agree with you re the shower.

As @Holeymoley28 said, the issue is ‘the stuff she’d hate’.
And actually there are many items in a house where you don’t know what is essential to your partner unless you ask them
eg Some people swear by a gas hob, others swear by an induction hob etc….

The house is half yours presumably, so no, of course you don't have to be grateful. However many women would love this level of involvement. Is it something you both use every day?

Actually it really does matter what it is! If he got a new bin or a new microwave it’s a bit different to a new sofa set or new statement lighting. You’re being deliberately vague to try to get the answer you want.

He didn't communicate. At all. That is the problem.

While I don’t think you need to be grateful, you don’t necessarily have to be ungrateful (if you are being). It’s really difficult without knowing what it is which I appreciate you don’t want to share.

e.g. If we didn’t have, say, a dishwasher, and DH bought and installed one as a surprise for me… but I didn’t get a say and didn’t get any input in choosing it - I might wish that we had talked about it together first but I would also be able to see that it’s a thoughtful thing to do and would hopefully make my life a lot easier so overall I would be appreciative of the thought. And grateful of the thought, if not the actual dishwasher he’d chosen.

If, on the other hand, he’d bought and installed a hot tub, I would be fairly peed off at the extravagance and waste and would be very very ungrateful for it.

You can be grateful for the gesture if he was doing something to please you, it's a bit churlish to just say you don't want it. If we knew what it was it would be easier to judge, new toilet, new washing machine, divided a bedroom, created a study, fitted wardrobes, new carpet?

@PersephoneParlormaid - are you going to come back?

You are not being unreasonable. It doesn't really matter what it is, because if you agreed with the change it would be a joint decision and your DH knows it. He's done it while you are away because it's something he wants and knows/suspects you would not be keen. It's kind of a narc thing to avoid taking responsibility and/or to avoid having to be apologetic or see things from your point of view by treating you as the unreasonable party. Of course you should have equal say in changes to your home and he has knowingly taken away your chance of input and then put the blame on you for not being happy about it.

Obvs everyone is curious about what the change is, but that doesn't actually change your right of input into your home and your right to control your own environment. I am sure if you had made it clear you didn't want it and he made it clear he did, you would have been able to reach a compromise, a joint decision has been taken away from you.

Help that isn't actually helpful... no you don't need to be grateful for that.

How pissed off you really ought to be or whether you're being overdramatic about it.. that does depend on what it actually is.

New oven in a colour you don't like - meh, it still works, you don't have to stare at it.

3K bidet toilet that you HATE has an uncomfortable seat and randomly jets icecold water up your bum or decides you've done and flushes on you when all you actually did is reach for the loo roll - yeah, if thats not something you'd discussed and both wanted, YANBU at all.

OP was last seen here after a PP agreed with her. Most of us only want to know what 'the thing' is. My guess is a kitchen island.

Bloody hell ten pages in and I'm still none the wiser as to what it is, that's pissed her off so much???

I was thinking a sex swing. 🤣

I'd rather have a swing than a sodding kitchen island, tbh.

Oh me too. Kitchen islands are awful.

This is ridiculous, no one can answer unless they know whether it is eg an orangery or a new toilet seat.

Ie something massive, expensive and unnecessary or something so minor it shouldn't require discussion

If people on here that know you irl would recognise the situation, they’ll know it’s you from your OP. Leaving out what it actually is won’t change that.

Saying what it is will give much needed context to your question though!

If it’s new, looks nice and I didn’t have to pay for it. I definitely wouldn’t say anything or complain.

I think it’s a sex swing

My dh makes unilateral decisions and buys sometimes quite valuable things like art without consulting me. He does it when he knows I’ll say no. Friends say aww.. he meant well! I go mad and shove it all in his office.