I have a first date in a few hours, now he’s texted me something that’s put me off

[Jtfrtj]

I have a first date tonight with a man I’ve never met, we started talking online. He knows I’m very into cooking/baking, and just now while texting him I told him I made some protein pancakes. He asked if he could have some, I joked back that I would make him some, and because they’re protein pancakes they will make him strong. He replied “Strong so I can lift you in bed yeah 😏?”. I’ve never even met this man before. Now I feel that expectation and pressure for sex is there now and feel less excited about meeting him. It also feels very presumptuous of him, like he thinks because I’ve agreed to a date I’m up for sexual activity. I’ve not texted back yet because I’m not sure I want to go now.

For context; I have never made any sexual remarks towards him before or him to me, we have been talking for almost two weeks. I am conventionally attractive but I am not provocative in how I dress or how I present myself online. Most of my photos online are of my travel pictures, scenery and food etc. I don’t think I do anything to invite these remarks or give off the impression that I’d be into that so prematurely, but for some reason men will always try and initiate a conversation about sex before the first date. I’m getting tired of it. Am I overreacting?

But @Mattressahoy, you met up with him for a coffee. So surely you were up for a shag, no? You shouldn’t have lead him on.

I’m joking of course, just mimicking some of the ridiculous comments from daft women on here.

Sorry you wasted your time on someone like this. It can feel quite violating getting a message like that out of no where. A grown man you barely know calling you “naughty” like you’re a misbehaving infant 🤮

No problem and thank you (drink more water and fibre too) x

Cheese55
I thought that. It was such a factual post that really stands out as being totally irrelevant to the subject / thread. 😀

Always best to follow your instincts in these sorts of things and not meet up if the responses felt out of line.

Because some of us date to find long term romantic partners.

Not merely casual sex.

(And no, not all of us go on dates already knowing we are sexually attracted to somebody. She had not even met this man.)

And based on his response to her gentle assertion of her boundaries that is 100% what would have happened.

So would I. Discussing sex before you have even met shows he has one aim in mind.

OP, I would pass on that one very quickly. People saying it's flirtation, well, it might be if you'd had a couple of dates and it was very clear you fancied each other. But with no context it's tasteless.

In one sense this is disappointing, in another sense it’s great as you filtered out a man just looking for a shag.

But you don't know you are sexually attracted to someone before you meet them. I was once set up on a blind date by friends, with a man who was a male model. He looked like a tall, muscular David Bowie with good teeth. He stopped traffic when we walked down the road together. But he had a voice like a parrot, and voice matters to me. He was incredibly pissed off that I had no intention of sleeping with him.

I don’t see the flirtatious side at all. I discuss different ways of upping my protein with colleagues all the time.

And even if it was mildly flirtatious why would he bring it immediately to sex. But as OP has said she could have looked past the comment but his response to her gently asking to chill on the sex talk that sealed the deal.

You are right to be cautious with him as the the dumb ass has slipped up big time.

If you decide to go ahead with the date, you will have to put in some boundaries as he needs to know where be stands.

I think he has revealed his true intentions too soon but if you decide to pull away from him then don't let him make you feel bad about cancelling.

👏👏👏

TBF how did you expect him to reply to this?

He didn't reply as you had just binned him off. There was nothing for him to say. He blocked you as there was to be no more contact between you.

Anyone would have responded the same.

I too think his ' can I have some pancakes?' was an attempt to introduce a sexual element into the conversation, in a ' can I stay over' sort of way. When you replied he thought you were going along with this sexual banter so he continued with it more explicitly.

I wouldn't be keen on someone I have never met starting to talk sex either. But I think that is what was happening. Your comment that it couldn't have meant that as you ate them in the afternoon does not make sense. He clearly wasn't intending to teleport to eat them with you then. He was refering to them as a breakfast item.

OP you did nothing wrong and you did everything right.

There have been A LOT of assumptions made that 'pancake' means this and 'protein' means that and 'strong' means something else.

No one should assume anything when meeting someone for the first time. Assumptions are the death-fire of all communication... People should not assume anything with strangers. Even if all of these things did have a layer of innuendo which I wouldn't have read into any of them, at all, it's not for him to assume and decide for your, that you knew all that, or were thinking along those lines.

And first impressions matter. They set the tone.

He should be able to withhold from that sort of banter until he knows more about you and works out who you are. It sounds like he's far more interested in his knob than any of that though so you dodged a bullet for sure.

I remember once going on a first date with a guy to the proms at the RAH, many years ago now. The concert had finished and we were out on the street and he asked if I'd like to get something to eat as we walked past an Ann Summers shop. At that point he made a gross comment about one of the outfits relating to me and him. It was the biggest ick moment ever. I literally stopped walking, went to the side of the road and hailed a black cab. I said thanks for the evening but I didn't have time for dinner due to work commitments, and then got in the cab and never spoke to him again. I was so relieved to be away from him. He tried to meet up with me again. I ignored his texts. Blocking wasn't a thing back then.

I hate men that make sexual comments on the first date. It shows a lack of respect for you as a person and reduces you to something to get their knob off on.

This sums it up for me.

Sounds like a misunderstanding.

He was trying on the flirty banter. Op doesn’t want that (I wouldn’t either).

He seems up for a hookup - he’s not interested in hanging around and apologising (which tbh is whatever, he’s decided he doesn’t want to continue).

Expect the w*** answer. If you get out, the only a joke ffs chill out or something like that from him, putting the onus on you then foget it
Good luck whatever you decide.

Don’t give up !
OLD can work,
BUT - you have to get through so many idiots and players- it’s a skill! I kept telling myself that ‘I am normal’ ‘looking for a LTR’ there must be someone out there the same . Been married for 12 years now ☺️

Honestly and this is why there is a male loneliness epidemic! Also, him telling you it was just a joke is a classic ‘test and apologise’. Imagine what he would be like in a relationship, you had a lucky escape. I can’t be doing with dating anymore seriously.

I think the OLD landscape has changed a hell of a lot in 12 years. (Spoilers: not for the better)

sigh yet another man snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Major ick and yay you've found out who he is with zero physical effort on your part👌

Goodbyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..........

Nah! I wouldn’t date someone who was being so presumptuous. Such a turn off! It also shows you immediately where his intentions are. He’s testing you to see if you flirt back and give him the nod that your up for it. Jog on mate! Block him and move on - creep.

I can't believe that this thread is still ongoing. Have you left it now OP?

For the record, you did nothing wrong. You did right by cutting him off. There is so much shit on here that it's unbelievable. You have done the right thing, and that was ok, but didn't need all of this crap being thrown at you.

I hope that you're ok. I would be traumatised if I'd had so many personal attacks.

Goodluck.

This thread just shows the huge disparity in standards women have for themselves and other women.

Someone referring to "throwing away the whole date" is missing the point that its a date with a disrespectful man child. Not someone who meets @Jtfrtj standards for a partner or indeed a friend nor someone who would meet my standards either.

Your partner should be someone who you are proud of and can rely on. If a man is making inappropriate sexualised references to a stranger he has not met, what sort of conduct are you going to expect to get when he's got to know you and your friends. Sexualised jokes to them? What about your work colleagues? More of the same?

To whoever said the point of dating is ultimately to have sex, sex is only one part of a relationship if that is what you are looking for. You don't spend 24 hours a day having sex so you want a partner who is decent, respectful and kind but also someone who has the same social standards of behaviour as you. If you don't think sexualised joking with a stranger you haven't met is OK, then this is not someone meeting your standards of behaviour. Just as if you don't like someone who as a first date suggests drinks at their house. Others may find it fine, but that is their standards.

All of that is before you even get to the 'calm down' bit which is so offensively patronising.

Both of these things set a very wrong tone and dynamic for a first interaction where a decent person (man or woman) would be on their best behaviour and trying to impress. If they are not, then they just don't care enough and are not for you.

People are different, raised differently and have different expectations. If you grew up in a house with your father calling your mother a bitch or a cunt, you will find that normalised and acceptable because it was normal to you. It doesn't mean it is actually acceptable or normal.

If it's fine for you, then its fine for you. If it's not fine for @Jtfrtj then she just has different standards for herself as I do for myself.

I second this actually. For saying this is supposed to be a safespace for women, some of the responses are awful. You've handled gas lighting from some posters who have picked and analysed almost every syllable telling you how wrong you are, how sensitive you are, and surely the whole point of meeting him is for sex anyway. They might have low standards @Jtfrtj, you obviously don't. I think I married one of the last of the gentlemen; he taught my dd what standards to expect in a man, and my ds how to behave like a gentleman.