How do I extricate myself from family childcare?

[fernandesricksmyworld]

I’m in my twenties and have been giving free childcare for my siblings for the last ten years. It has been expected I will be free pretty much every time they ask.

I don’t want to do it anymore. It’s uncomfortable for various reasons, it takes a lot out of me, and I don’t enjoy it anymore. I don’t feel they appreciate it. I’m expected to supply my own dinner, and transport. They won’t turn the heating on in the house if I’m here so it’s freezing come winter, and at Christmas/on my birthday I get a small token gift (under a fiver, and never usually what I like). If my services are worth less than a tenner a year to them I don’t want to do it anymore.

The issue is if I start saying no to everything both siblings will be so angry with me. I can potentially stretch the “sorry I have plans” a few times but I don’t know what to say long term. I would be happy to do it a few times a year, but not as frequently as I have been (3 times a month).

How do I do this without making it awkward?

I’m sorry they’ve all been taking you for granted so much! You sound like a lovely human being and they don’t deserve you as a sibling! Time for a reality check for them, they don’t require a reason, please start putting yourself first (health, happiness, you matter too). They sound like bullies and with family like that who needs enemies!
I have a baby and haven’t asked anyone to babysit, everyone has busy and fulfilling lives and it was my choice to have him!

Can you be my siblings please?

I would drop the child to you with a bag full of treats etc

Or if you come to me use the heating as you wish and there's a lift there and back and a takeaway or stop over.

Tell them the actual truth.

’For the last ten years, I have been used, taken advantage of, treated like unpaid labour, and disrespected as a family member. I won’t be doing that any more, thanks.’

What you are currently doing is NOT achieving a good relationship with them. Time to do something different.

Sadly they’re taking major advantage of this and using you. They AREN’T going to be happy whatever you say if you stop doing it, but if you don’t want to do it you have to stand up for yourself.

Man up! The only answer is no, sorry. It's not convenient. If they ask you why just tell them no should be enough for them and you're not available. You don't have to justify your decisions to them.They are using you.

Tell them you need to start earning so your time is now full with paid work (will highlight you are basically working for then for free without directly saying it)

You need a fictional boyfriend/ girlfriend “it’s early days yet ,we’re taking it slow, you won’t be meeting them for a while” or a college evening class, or both . That will give you plenty of reasons to decline that they can’t argue with .
or “ sorry I can’t , it’s complicated and I’m not allowed to talk about it , but my bail conditions forbid me from being alone with children under the age of 16” that should do it .

She doesn't need to fabricate.

It's fine to tell them what she is feeling. She has a good point. They may not accept it, but it's reasonable for her to express it.

I agree. Play with a straight bat.

Id tell them.. if you want me to babysit I can manage it once a month and I want the heating on and pizza (or similar) if they refuse id say well Im not paying for the privilege of babysitting in your cold house. I dont expect payment but I want to be warm and fed, or if you can find someone cheaper please do.

A BIG NO IT IS CALLED TAKING THE PISS. OR......
ALTERNATIVELY instigate a charge and be brave and tell them why.

Of course it is, personally I would go with fuck off you chancer , but op doesn’t feel able to just day no, that’s literally the question she asked .

Just give them a date, and say you won’t be doing it any longer. Just send a message to everyone.

Hi everyone, just wanted to give you plenty of notice that from the beginning of December, I won’t be able to provide free babysitting or childcare anymore.
I’ve been happy to help out, but I’ve decided it’s time to step back from the responsibility, so you’ll need to make alternative arrangements going forward.
I hope you all understand, and I wanted to let you know now so you’ve got time to get things sorted. ❤️

if they come back and say they will be stuck, just respond with.

I do understand that it’s going to be difficult, and I appreciate that childcare is expensive. But I’ve been helping out for a long time, and I need to put my own time and commitments first now.
That’s why I’m giving you notice until December, so you’ve got time to look at other options. I don’t want you to feel I’m letting you down, but I can’t continue being responsible for childcare arrangements.

Tough. Too many people on here let other people - mainly cheeky fkers - dictate what they do bc they're masters of manipulation.

Let them be in a mood. Let them have something to say. As my Scottish mum would say "greet on you'll pish less hen". You've done them huge favours for a long time, it's time to put yourself first if it's no longer enjoyable and taking it out of you. 10yrs is a long time to have it good.

I think she should take a deep breath and explain.

Just saying no and I don't need to say why, or making up an excuse, might be fractionally easier at the time, but she needs to take courage from the fact her position is VERY reasonable, and I think just being honest about it will be the best solution in the long run.

They may not like it, they may not change their attitude, but she will at least have given them a chance to, and can know she stood her ground squarely.

Only 2%

firstly, can I just say that in the nicest possible way you need to learn to say N-O.

I would say something like:
Whilst I’ve been happy to help over the years with childminding things are changing for me in work and Im not going to be as available as I used to be. I also want to take up ballroom dancing and classes are starting next week. I just thought I’d give you all the heads up so that you can make arrangements with another babysitter.
And if they come back with sarcastic comments, just say something like “ you better be nice to me otherwise I’ll backdate an invoice for all the years of babysitting and email it to you!”

They have abused your kindness. The only way to end this situation is to stand up to them.

Respectfully you dont have a good relationship with them now, they dont even feed you or put heating on for goodness sake. Do they ever ask how you are without wanting something

You're in your twenties. This should be your time to choose what YOU want to do with your free time.

Your sibling's childcare needs aren't a problem for them to put at your door.

Just say I'm sorry I have plans, and then ignore. You don't live with them. Mute them on your phone if they're getting manipulative or angry, and ignore. When they ask, say no, and just carry on with your life.

Do you still live at home or do you have your own place? I'm curious if other family members are also involved in this manipulation and guilt tripping.

just say something along the lines of “ sorry I have other plan in the upcoming months “ if they ask what just tell them it’s private . Let them get upset . Maybe they will appreciate you more . I used to take care of my nieces 3 x a week , then had my own kids and guess who never offered , not even once ? You are being walked all over

OR you can pay me the going rate for babysitters in the area and put the heating on when I'm there.

Dont lie, they will find a way around any of your excuses.

Be honest with them.
Don't say "I have been happy for the last 10 years" you haven't, you've been abused.

I think I'd go with "Hi, I've been babysitting for free for the last 10 years and as much as I love the kids it's too much now. I am upset and feel like you've both been taking me for granted. Therefore from now on, I won't be doing anymore babysitting". You could also add 'unless .....state you terms here....it's an emergency, you agree to my payment terms which are £25 in advance and taxi fares" etc.

Stand up for yourself.

Just say NO. No is a full sentence and repeat to them that it is a full sentence. Do not ever say SORRY. You are not sorry. It is them that should be sorry for treating you like a slave at their beck and call.

If you can, ask for full recompense for your services. For example you can quote the National Minimum Wage for the hours you have spent being cold, hungry, driving to and from their homes, and having to cancel your social life for theirs.

They might not have thought of all this and could be angry. Do not let their anger deter you. You have a right to live your own life as you wish. They do not have any right to your time and goodwill.

It sounds like what you want is a lie to make it easier to refuse?
Take up a class, go to the gym or go running?
Get a part time job in the evenings?
Start fostering dogs that can’t be left?
Get a boyfriend/ girlfriend and go there all the time?
Emigrate?
Btw, you’re a nice person for not wanting to upset other people. It’s a shame that they don’t consider your feelings in return. Perhaps saying no and being a bit more explanatory would help them understand that this doesn’t make you happy? Or make a joke of it by saying “I’ll do it, but you’re going to have to leave me a pizza and put the heating on, and send me £30 for drinks at the weekend. Your choice!”