How do I extricate myself from family childcare?

[fernandesricksmyworld]

I’m in my twenties and have been giving free childcare for my siblings for the last ten years. It has been expected I will be free pretty much every time they ask.

I don’t want to do it anymore. It’s uncomfortable for various reasons, it takes a lot out of me, and I don’t enjoy it anymore. I don’t feel they appreciate it. I’m expected to supply my own dinner, and transport. They won’t turn the heating on in the house if I’m here so it’s freezing come winter, and at Christmas/on my birthday I get a small token gift (under a fiver, and never usually what I like). If my services are worth less than a tenner a year to them I don’t want to do it anymore.

The issue is if I start saying no to everything both siblings will be so angry with me. I can potentially stretch the “sorry I have plans” a few times but I don’t know what to say long term. I would be happy to do it a few times a year, but not as frequently as I have been (3 times a month).

How do I do this without making it awkward?

OP you could show them this thread or you could say you were reading on the net about someone in your situation and the advice was blah blah blah.
Or you could give them a nice card with your explanation with your reasons for not continuing.

You need to tell them how you feel about childcare, but make it clear you wil only agree to a few times per year because the truth is they are taking advantage, they will just have to make other plans for child care because you are saving them eye watering amounts of money.

Set a boundary and do your best to keep the peace, for the sake of your relationship with your family.

Youa are more than right to speak up about the situation because they have you between a rock and a hard place with this and it will continue until you communicte how you feel.

You know the choice is completely your own about the low quality cheap gift you recieve on your birthdays, but I suggest you don'y bring this up in your conversation at the same time because even though your points are absalutely more than valid, it may come as a shock to your parents that you are reducing childcare which, quite rightly, they will have to fund themselves and it may blow up into an argument if they decide to kick off about it I just think let your decision to pull away from childcare sink in first.

There is no way to make this less awkward because for some reason you have all created a situation that is very unfair to you. I wonder why you let that happen for so long? You can and should say no, and their reaction is outside your control (prepare for them to be upset, try to win you back etc)

Saying no isn’t that easy when it’s to people you love and you don’t like conflict. I don’t think there’s a need for a long speech or message ahead of time but I do think they will question a ‘no’. What do you want to do with the time? Can you make plans and be less available? If you say, I can do 2 a month, they will keep taking advantage and push for more so a simple I’m busy doing …that day. Would you consider working for others who you can charge?

You can't do it without making it awkward. They are used to taking advantage of you. Replacing your services will cost them a lot of money. They obviously don't appreciate you as a sibling, and if you cut off their free babysitting services, resentment is inevitably going to build up. They are in the wrong, but that doesn't seem to matter to some people.

Be honest and tell them that you know they don’t appreciate what you do for them. I highly doubt your siblings will babysit when you have children! Or charge them £20 an hour up front otherwise they won’t pay. Why are you worried about upsetting them? They’re users. You sound lovely but a bit of a door mat (another term for people pleaser). Time to say no and tell them why.

They don't care about about upsetting you and using you for free childcare. I am much older than you and I can tell you youth is fleeting. You can't get those years back and you should not be spending your twenties as some unpaid babysitter. Children are the responsibility of their parents - I can't imagine my husband ever expecting his much younger sisters to babysit our children on an ongoing basis, (I'm an only child.) His sisters were too busy going out enjoying themselves in their twenties, working overseas and meeting the men they eventually married. I know it's an old fashioned expression but don't be the "old maid" aunt in this scenario. Frankly, if you can't stand up to your family, I'd relocate overseas.

What will they do, drag you from your house and force you to sit there? Come on, where's your backbone on this.

what is the token gift under £5?

This is disgusting and entitled behaviour from them. You deserve so much better!

Are they considering you and your feelings?

I found the book ‘Are you mad at me?’ by Meg Josephson very helpful in dealing with patterns of people pleasing. It has a very compassionate approach.

Oh for goodness sake stop being a doormat and woman up. Turn the heating Up and make yourself some food. I don’t understand people who continually pussyfoot around issues. Tell them what what you aren’t happy with and that either things change or you stop doing it it’s really that simple - in this modern age of text communication you can type out a group message and click send within seconds

Well done you for providing free childcare for so long. Your family have been very lucky.
Shame on them for taking the p**s and being entitled.
I think the best way forward for you is to give a little notice...... no longer than a month in order for them to make alternative arrangements.
Your reasons?
I'm feeling tired as I get older
I no longer feel confident to drive in the dark /weather conditions
I have a new hobby which now takes up my time.
Assure them that you want to stay connected with them and the children.

I would hope that, on a night when the weather is really bad like yesterday, they would at least offer you a bed so you don’t have to go out late at night to drive home again?!

What is the first rule of Mumsnet?

No, is a complete sentence.

Grow a spine and use it.

And what are they doing to facilitate a good relationship with you?
Sounds a bit like a one-way street to me.
And as someone else said, you do know that one day when you have children of your own, you won’t see them
for dust?

It comes across as you being the Victim and wanting to remain so.

It sounds like there is a much much bigger back story than childcare.

have you thought about getting some counselling so you can understand your past and how you can build the tools and language you need to hold your own in what sounds like a very unhealthy family dynamic.

how many are there of these family members making you drive through a storm to look after their kids. That isn't normal family relationships by the sound of it. You're the Cinderella of the family but make sure you don't wallow in it, take a stand and express your needs rather than letting people walk over you. Don't you have a social life yourself?

They are taking advantage of you. As a fellow people pleaser, the only person that can end the imbalance is you.

But they don't care if they are upsetting you, so it's already not a good relationship even with you being a doormat!

Good morning OP. Just wondered if you got home safely in the awful weather? What did you do for the rest of the evening once you were there and the kids where in bed? You should have stayed and chatted on this thread and engaged with the responses a bit more, discussed some of the ideas offered for standing up for yourself. Or at least engaged somewhere else on MN to keep you company while you provided unpaid and underappreciated childcare. I guess you must have been watching an amazing film in the unheated house instead? What about the children? Aren't they freezing too?

I can't believe you have TWO such entitled siblings doing this to you.

This quote changed my life and stopped
me being a people pleaser

If you face the choice between feeling guilt and resentment, choose the guilt every time.” It is wisdom I have passed on to many others since. If a refusal saddles you with guilt, while consent leaves resentment in its wake, opt for the guilt. Resentment is soul suicide”.

You don’t need mumsnet to help you. Everyone is saying say no and you’re telling us why you can’t. You need to speak to a therapist and work out why you are such a people pleaser, avoid conflict and can’t put your needs first. This is the only way this will be fixed. Or you carry on as normal.

You stop trying to control their reaction and get comfortable with people being upset with you.

The bottom line is, it doesn't matter if they are angry or upset that you don't want to babysit. You're allowed to prioritise yourself in this and their reaction is theirs to work through.

Otherwise you continue to make yourself feel bad in order to protect the feelings of people who don't care enough about you to make sure you're fed and comfortable whilst doing them favours.

How do I do this without making it awkward?

You can't. Accept the shit will hit the fan and they will be angry with you for a good while.

You might also want to reflect why you don't stand up for yourself more. You are letting them walk all over you.

Tell them you’ve joined a nanny/baby sitting agency/started your own paid babysitting side hustle for a second income so can no longer commit to babysitting for them. Each time they ask, tell them you’re already booked with another family.

Hi OP. Ive been in a similar situation before, babysitting up to 4x a week for years. I loved seeing my nieces and nephews but would only ever be on siblings terms of babysitting. Things only really changed when I had my own children who are now both primary aged. One of my DS has babysat once while I went for breakfast on my birthday and said that was my gift so I didnt get a present that year other than the 2 hours of time she spent with my child (only had one then so it was that long ago). Other siblings never have. As a parent I dont expect anyone to babysit for me so I dont feel they owe me, I just realised that they would have known how unreasonable their request for me to babysit so much was. Granted my children gave me a natural reason to stop babysitting for them all, but ive noticed that I dont have anywhere near as much access to my nieces and nephews and when I ask (weeks or months in advance for example if a film is coming out they will love) to take them out Im often told no or that it doesn't work for the parents etc but i can have them x evening to put them to bed etc. It has made me realise that my childcare service will be my siblings priority above my actual relationship with my nieces and nephews.

It would be great if 'just say no' felt like an option, but it didnt for me either. There are other excuses you could use that would last longer term such as 'im enrolling in a day / evening college course' depending on when they usually want you to babysit. And that means lots of class time, assignments and revision for exams. Then ask to spend time with your siblings children on your terms if you want to that is. Your siblings reactions to this might help you determine next steps. If theyre unhappy that youre doing something positive for you because it impacts their childcare then you may feel more justified or better about saying no to them and calling them out on their attitudes.

Just tell them due to the cost of living you can't afford to do unpaid childcare anymore- propose at least 315 an hour.
No one, not a sibling, not a parent not your partner can expect you to do unpaid work for them on a regular basis without renumeration of some kind.