How do I extricate myself from family childcare?

[fernandesricksmyworld]

I’m in my twenties and have been giving free childcare for my siblings for the last ten years. It has been expected I will be free pretty much every time they ask.

I don’t want to do it anymore. It’s uncomfortable for various reasons, it takes a lot out of me, and I don’t enjoy it anymore. I don’t feel they appreciate it. I’m expected to supply my own dinner, and transport. They won’t turn the heating on in the house if I’m here so it’s freezing come winter, and at Christmas/on my birthday I get a small token gift (under a fiver, and never usually what I like). If my services are worth less than a tenner a year to them I don’t want to do it anymore.

The issue is if I start saying no to everything both siblings will be so angry with me. I can potentially stretch the “sorry I have plans” a few times but I don’t know what to say long term. I would be happy to do it a few times a year, but not as frequently as I have been (3 times a month).

How do I do this without making it awkward?

Is it possible for you to move to another area? Or take another job that you can frame as more demanding?

When I began to attend uni as a mature student it was only a distance of 45 miles but it could have been another planet. I don't drive so I used that as an excuse plus my studies. When I stayed on to work in the new area I "invented" a European job where I had to go to Paris or Brussels a couple of times a month when in fact it was only every few months as an excuse to be difficult to contact and unavailable. I was not providing childcare like you but I had my own reasons for putting physical as well as emotional distance between myself and my family.

Why do people havecto come up with dramatic period drama back stories or move, why is just saying no not an option

Why are women so unintelligent they cant just say no

I was you when I was younger. Now I have children. How many times has anyone minded them? 0

They are busy now. Their children are older. They have social lives.

I used to even do whole weekends for them. My eldest is 10 and has never been away from me, except for the odd sleepover with his friends. Which is a v new thing.

The younger one has never, ever been without a parent in their entire life apart from nursey. Like seriously, not even for 10 minutes at age 4.

Say what you said here.

OP, you haven't really GOT a good relationship with them: they are not treating you with respect or reasonable levels of concern for your wellbeing. You are cold, out in a storm, not paid and not really thanked.

I know it is going to be hard, but you need to be brave. Just say what you have said on here:

"I have not liked to raise this, as I value our sibling relationship and I love my nieces and nephews, but increasingly I don't want to do the babysitting any more. Having to go out in the terrible weather and sit alone without the heating on made me realise I am being taken for granted. I don't get fed, I don't get paid, I don't even get reimbursed for the transport. There is nothing fair about that and I don't want to do it anymore."

It should be them feeling awkward.

Also, if you try the "sorry I'm busy approach" they are just going to get exasperated with you because they have come to think of you as being at their beck and call. Better to give it to them straight and give them something to think about.

Good post

You don’t currently have a good relationship with them. They are civil to you simply because you are their unpaid babysitter. Can you imagine them turning the heating off if anyone else were to babysit? The relationship you have with them now is just a facade. It’s completely conditional on you being there to care for their children whenever they click their fingers. Is that enough for you? Wouldn’t you rather have one built on mutual respect? Rather than them pretending they care and you pretending you believe them?

If you just don’t like saying no because you don’t want them to be upset with you, then only you can fix this. You have to let them be upset with you. The alternative is that you just give up your life and any plans you had for your own future, and just be there until the children are too old for babysitters. If you feel like you can’t say no to them because you’re worried about the consequences, that has echoes of abuse about it.

OP, you should be angry first, at the way they take advantage of you.

This was me, and trust me, all those free babysitting hours will never be reciprocated once you have kids.

You have to prepare for the fall out being inevitable, otherwise you could sacrifice many hours and end up regretting it just to avoid being honest.

My key moment of realisation was when I had to say no to a babysitting session because of a work demand and the way I was treated suddenly changed. They were annoyed that I had put my job first. It made me realise how there was such an expectation on me to always be there'll. I gradually pulled away by making excuses each time. It was for the best as I moved away for work and they had to eventually rely on paid babysitting anyway!

It’s going to be awkward. But pushing back always is. You have to say the words ‘This arrangement no longer works for me, you’ll need to make other plans going forward’ and keep saying it. You don’t need to justify your decision, it will just give them more to argue about. They’ll likely drag in other family members, stay polite, state your boundary, do not engage. There will be awkwardness for a while, just keep calm and carry on, they’ll get over it eventually!

Search: How to stop people pleasing

There’s only one person going to stop this and that’s YOU!

You are going to find yr backbone, stand up and say no. And keep on saying no, are your siblings only on good terms with you so they can use you?

Can concur... the second you start drawing boundaries, you are going to "become the problem" in some way.

Practice... "I am not available" on repeat until you can say it confidently without guilt.

Please don't do this. People who don't respect your time, hunger and comfot don't care about your feelings. Don't waste your breath explaining to adults who really should know better. Their response will only be offence, and they will list ALLLL the ways they have helped you.

Build a life outside your family and treat them how they treat you... as an option.

Yes, they'll be irritated. And it'll be awkward. Deal with it - it's part of life.

Just start, as you say, with "Sorry, I'm not free then." If you like, you can start by saying it 10% of the time, and work your way up.

If they say annoyedly, "You were busy last time we asked!" - you can say, "Yes, I have better things to do with my time than provide free labor."

You sound like you're not used to speaking up for yourself, so this is a good way to start. They sound like stingy ingrates, and you shouldn't be catering to them. Maybe at some point you can even say, "No thanks - it's not that I'm busy, it's just that I don't like to feel used and unappreciated."

Good luck. Don't let them bully you.

Only chose YABU because it’s ridiculous to not start building boundaries about things like this. You can’t always be free, surely you have some personal things to do? You need to do what matters for you and that will certainly include saying NO to even family.

This. They are using you and that is not a good or healthy relationship.

To not even leave you a plate, ready meal or snacks. To leave you freezing with no heating because your time, effort and petrol costs means nothing to them.

I’d have just text saying ‘Sorry won’t be able to babysit tonight, I’m not coming out tonight in this storm, it’s too dangerous to travel!’ If they pushed back I’d be the one getting cross as really they should respect you enough to accept your cancellation..

Think you need to text both sisters asap and say that you don’t wish to babysit anymore, if they’re happy to use you for babysitting I can’t believe you don’t feel comfortable enough to say you don’t want to do it anymore!….

Something like…

Hey guys, as much as I’ve lived helping you both out with the ids over the past 10 years, I’m afraid I’ve now got a point where my free time is my own and I just want to relax at home and watch a film (or whatever it is uou like doing)…

if they’re happy to push back I’d be calling them out for being ungrateful for all the years you have looked after their kids! They’re taking the piss and you’ve let them

This is not a good relationship!!
You have no boundaries which is really unhealthy and they walk all over you by the sounds of things!

Saying no doesn’t t come easy to everyone especially if you are someone who doesn’t like confrontation.
This poster has come on here hoping to get some advice in sorting this out and other posters are trying to give her that advice in which way the see fit.

OP maybe next time try saying something next like….. No sorry I can’t because you don’t have the heating on and it’s costing me money in petrol all the time.
Your siblings sound so tight that maybe enough to put them off asking in future.

Good luck.🤞

It's not a good relationship though is it? They are using you. You have to say no and let them get mad. Yes it will be difficult but this won't end until you end it❤

They show you no consideration and are taking the nick not paying in anyway . That might be acceptable once in a blue moon but they are abusing your kindness . If you do not want to speak directly to them just send a message saying that as of know you are no longer available for baby sitting more than occasionally and will require paying moving forward. They have a brass neck. You do t have to give a reason and owe them nothing so just refrain from saying anything other than the current arrangement/expectation no longer works for you

You just need to learn to say no. They can be upset. They can be angry. They can try to argue. That's ok. You don't have to try to stop that from happening. You just calmly hold your boundary and don't get into the ins and outs. "No sorry I'm too busy" "blah blah blah, angry angry angry argue argue argue" "yeah I hear you're disappointed, but that doesn't change the fact I'm too busy to babysit anymore." "Whine whine whine pity party pity party" "that's not my responsibility but I hope you manage to sort something out." And then it's just "no" "I've already had this conversation with you" "You've already asked and I've already answered"

What have you actually got to lose? What do you gain from your relationship with them?